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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH right?

45 replies

Doodlesplodge17 · 30/12/2018 17:12

That my 18 year old DS is taking us for granted?
He’s in college 2 days a week and part time work (usually 25 hours) for the rest of the week.
We have asked him for the last 9 months to contribute towards the house but he simply won’t. He has two priority bills, mobile phone £60 and his monthly anywhere bus pass £80 and begrudgingly he’ll occasionally part with £20 for petrol when we’ve taken him to work or collected him if the bus is over an hour wait etc but this isn’t every month either. Over the Christmas period DH and I have been off so he only bought a weekly ticket, pocketed the spare cash and we’ve had to run him there and back, this is also due to being rural and having limited bus services but we’ve spent £40 in petroleum doing this and it just goes right over his head!
He’s on decent money for his age and is bringing home £700+ per month. He works hard and I’m proud of him but I just feel like he should contribute something, even a small amount - he eats only certain branded foods too so shopping is costly and he eats like there’s no tomorrow.
Both of us had to pay £50 per week way back when we were at home and working. DH says I’m flogging a dead horse and should let it go because when we try to talk to him about anything it’s like having Kevin from Kevin & Perry stropping around the house.
I just don’t know how to get through to him that the free ride needs to stop.
Any advice would be good.

OP posts:
JohnLapsleyParlabane · 30/12/2018 17:15

Stop buying his special.food. Change the WiFi password. No more lifts. If he has a problem with this he has 2 choices. Pay his keep, or move out.

highheelsandbobblehats · 30/12/2018 17:16

Summed up perfectly by JohnLapsley

Hazlenutpie · 30/12/2018 17:17

It's your house, you make the rules. Settle on an amount that is reasonable and insist he pays. If he doesn't apply sanctions. You must be prepared to follow it through.

HollyandIvyarelivingitupagain · 30/12/2018 17:20

We are you giving him lifts?Why are you buying him special good.Get ordinary stuff ,if he wants branded he can buy it.Are you also doing his washing,changing his sheets?
Why would he give you money when you give in to him?
If he doesn't pay for petrol he gets nolifts,if he doesn't contribute to food bills then he is free to purchase his own and therefore whatever he likes.
You're causing problems for yourselves and not teaching him the value of money.

Toombumber · 30/12/2018 17:21

Not quite the answer to your problem, but he is 100% being ripped off on his phone contract and should look into that.

Munchyseeds · 30/12/2018 17:26

You just tell him he pays you an amount of rent, transferred to your account on pay day or he finds somewhere else to live and mean it - simple

Original poster
Doodlesplodge17 · 30/12/2018 17:26

Toombumber he’s on O2 and for the phone he wanted that’s what he has to pay I’m afraid 😟

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 30/12/2018 17:29

If ye are not going to police it don't ask.
My dd was in college and working part time and older than your ds. We had to drive her a bit but we didn't ask her for money as we were happy to have her around. She was studying hard and working hard. We were ok financially so let it be.
He is only 18. I would leave him until he is working full time.
But if ye really need the money don't suggest it unless ye are going to force it.

Maelstrop · 30/12/2018 17:31

Stop doing anything for him, tell him what his contributions are. If he's unwilling to fork out and carries on acting as though he were 12, then tell him to start looking for somewhere else to live. I swear, some of the current generation have me shaking my head in disbelief at their sense of entitlement.

Gina2012 · 30/12/2018 17:34

He's only 18 and he's working full time with the job and college.

So he's doing well in that regard

I'd suggest a compromise and deal with what YOU have control over.

So for example stop buying 'his' food

Stop all lifts

Make the WiFi password chargeable ( he pays £5 a week to use it)

You can't FORCE him to pay you 'keep' and you don't want to chuck him out on the street

All you can do is amend what you already provide which is OTT

MeredithGrey1 · 30/12/2018 17:37

If you want him to pay rent and he refuses, then I agree with PPs that you’ll have to take the money in other ways, such as not buying the special, more expensive food that he wants. He probably knows that realistically, you aren’t going to kick him out onto the streets so has assumed there is nothing you can do, but if you’re doing favours for him (giving him lifts, buying his expensive food) then there definitely is.

Does he contribute in any other ways, housework etc? If he doesn’t do any of that I’d be tempted to also stop doing his laundry.

HolyMountain · 30/12/2018 17:38

I have two of mine working and bringing in a fairly decent monthly wage.

I told both of them what I wanted for keep and they ping it over without a second thought because they respect me and what they are getting at home.

Your Son needs a kick up the arse so stop being so accommodating until he starts showing you both dons respect.

HolyMountain · 30/12/2018 17:38

*some, I’m sure you’re not dons Smile

EnglishRose13 · 30/12/2018 17:39

You're giving your son all the power when really should have none.

Stop pandering to him.

Original poster
Doodlesplodge17 · 30/12/2018 17:45

Ok, I see where you’re all coming from. Things definitely need to change and I need to use what you’ve suggested to implement the changes.
For the record, I definitely don’t want him on the streets and junebirthdaygirl I’m happy to have him around and as stated proud that he works hard and goes to college, thanks, but unfortunately we aren’t financially well off and can’t realistically keep him the way we are.
No he doesn’t lift a finger either. Yes he’s spoilt and we are reaping what we’ve sown, DH just reminded me of this too 😳

OP posts:
Original poster
Doodlesplodge17 · 30/12/2018 17:48

HolyMountain you’ve literally hit the nail on the head. He doesn’t respect us or our home. Yes, he’s spoilt but since her turned 18 he’s lost all respect for us as a family and I’ve no idea why 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 30/12/2018 17:52

Just agreeing with previous posters. Don't buy any food for him, don't do his washing etc. Change WiFi password and stop with the lifts. You will save some money that way at least.

ThePinkOcelot · 30/12/2018 17:55

I think you need to sit him down and tell him how things are going to be! He pays ??? Per month. Don’t ask, tell! If he’s not happy with that, here’s what is happening- no special food, no washing, no picking up after him. I would also have a newspaper (or similar) with rooms to let ringed. Show him you mean business!

Gina2012 · 30/12/2018 18:31

I think that respect is earned.

So I'm imagining he simply thinks life will continue to bring him the 'good life' as it always has (the spoiling)

You need to show him that now he's an adult you'll treat him with the same respect he treats you - adult to adult

Snowydaysaregreat · 30/12/2018 18:37

When I was 16 I paid 50 a week I worked 26 hours. That was nearly 20 yrs ago.. If I didnt like it I knew where the door was.. I had the choice of 50 a week or 1/3 of all household and food costs ( between me, bro and dad) I chose the 50. Much cheaper. Made me learn the value of money.

4catsaremylife · 30/12/2018 19:10

I'm afraid that all my adult children have to contribute to the household expenses as my income is minimum wage ( I am desperately trying to get a role better suited to my qualifications) we get no benefits and I've only fairly recently finished university as a mature student. So even as 'poor' university students they've paid. It means that they have a genuine say in running the household, we discuss service providers and things like broadband. My ds chose a fairly expensive package but agreed to pay a bit extra because he understands how it works.
I'm not able to completely subsidise them and it feels crap as their mum. But my DC say that I have done them a favour because they totally understand household budgeting and when they do eventually move out they've got experience with managing their money.

grimupnorth1 · 31/12/2018 00:19

I would say it depends on what his plans are- is he saving to move out at any point?
I never paid my parents anything as I agreed a rough date I would move out and was saving all my spare cash to do so.

If he is simply sticking around for a free living then he needs to learn that's not how the world works. If you don't teach him that now by laying down some ground rules or changing your behaviour then you're doing him a huge disservice.

waterplease · 31/12/2018 00:26

For reference: I make £630 monthly from a part time job whilst studying for my Law degree. I pay £150 rent monthly (live with my boyfriend who rents our home) and buy all my own food & cover transport costs. I'm 19. He should be paying rent and providing for himself with that kind of money each month.

What an ungrateful sod.

Corbynscat · 31/12/2018 00:38

For perspective I was paying £350 rent when I was 18 along with other bills and food

Not saying he has todo that but as others have suggested he can buy his own preferred food and you can stop lifts/free WiFi access

If he gets a taste of how real life works he’ll start respecting you and your home pretty fast

19lottie82 · 31/12/2018 00:49

but he is 100% being ripped off on his phone contract and should look into that

I guess you haven’t checked the monthly price for a latest top of the range iPhone contract recently?