AIBU or is DH right?

[Doodlesplodge17]

That my 18 year old DS is taking us for granted?
He’s in college 2 days a week and part time work (usually 25 hours) for the rest of the week.
We have asked him for the last 9 months to contribute towards the house but he simply won’t. He has two priority bills, mobile phone £60 and his monthly anywhere bus pass £80 and begrudgingly he’ll occasionally part with £20 for petrol when we’ve taken him to work or collected him if the bus is over an hour wait etc but this isn’t every month either. Over the Christmas period DH and I have been off so he only bought a weekly ticket, pocketed the spare cash and we’ve had to run him there and back, this is also due to being rural and having limited bus services but we’ve spent £40 in petroleum doing this and it just goes right over his head!
He’s on decent money for his age and is bringing home £700+ per month. He works hard and I’m proud of him but I just feel like he should contribute something, even a small amount - he eats only certain branded foods too so shopping is costly and he eats like there’s no tomorrow.
Both of us had to pay £50 per week way back when we were at home and working. DH says I’m flogging a dead horse and should let it go because when we try to talk to him about anything it’s like having Kevin from Kevin & Perry stropping around the house.
I just don’t know how to get through to him that the free ride needs to stop.
Any advice would be good.

"petroleum"

Id only ask if theyre working full time and hes not

Who's paying for his further education?

I sat mine down when they turned 18 and explained that we are all adults living under the same roof. Therefore everyone need to be treated as adults. That means treating each other with kindness and respect, just as you would any other roommate.
That meant helping with household chores and a chore chart was produced it lives on the kitchen door. Everyone is responsible for their own laundry,
Everyone cooks at least one night a week and cleans up at least twice a week.
If you can’t do your night you swap. Mum is not the default.
This has worked very well so no board has been charged yet as they are both studying and saving to overseas.
If he does not agree, there is the door.

Crikey OP you have a little charmer right there don’t you, I agree with everyone on here, he wants to live at home he needs to contribute an appropriate amount, not silly money, but money to cover his ‘special’ foods and everything else. It’s not hard, he pays he stays.

You have no idea why he doesn’t respect you? If he’s never had to lift a finger then of course he doesn’t - he’s never learnt the value of what he has. Even our 2yo understands helping around the house and knows he has to help wipe his high chair after meals, tidy his toys at the end of the day, and put his clothes in the laundry basket. If you can’t afford it, stop giving him lifts and buying special food, and just tell him you can’t afford it.

For an absolute start, I'd compare the prices of the branded goods with the cheap versions and tell him that you're going to downshift (assuming that you and DH are happy with the cheapies), but you're willing to keep buying the branded versions for him, on the understanding that he pays the price difference between the Aldi basic version and Kelloggs/Hovis etc.

If he's happy to pay £720 a year for a diamond-encrusted NASA-approved phone rather than a perfectly decent one at a third of that or less, he can do the same for the food. If you want the most expensive option, you pay for it - simple.

Also, he does realise that vehicle fuel isn't free, doesn't he? If he pays £20 each month for (hopefully) a seat on a bumpy bus that comes according to its own timetable and follows its own pre-defined route, why ever would he not at least offer the same to you both in exchange for a comfy door-to-door service pretty much at his own convenience? He must have budgeted for it.

It sounds like you need to sit down with him and give him some basic financial lessons - maybe show him your budget and how his extra demands negatively impact on it. Otherwise, he won't be doing himself any favours once he leaves home and discovers that, when he needs a taxi because there's no suitable bus, it actually costs much MORE than the bus rather than being free as long as he mumbles a thankyou to the driver and 'forgets' to 'offer' to pay.

What does he do with the remainder of his money? I think he is taking advantage but then you are letting him. If he throws a tantrum or sulk just ignore him. Tough to start with but once he sees he can't manipulate or bully you into doing things his way he will either have to comply or life will be tougher for him. Tell him he either contributes weekly or there will be no more special food and he can buy his own and no more lifts. I cannot really believe though he refuses to contribute. Both my girls did as they were asked when they started work. Your house, your rules.

I have managed to have a talk with him and also sent him an extensive email detailing how much everything costs us per month and he straightaway transferred me £120 even though I didn’t ask for any specific amount, just some help towards his particular requirements, so I think that’s progress right there. Although he knows we have bills etc, he’s never really known how much we pay which I hold my hands up to for not telling him. I guess that might’ve helped to start.
petroleum was autocorrect.
His mobile contract is no ones business but his own. He was warned not to take it out and to wait for a better deal but he chose not to and he pays it himself.

Thanks to everyone for all the helpful advice, it’s helped to get us where we need to be and fingers crossed for next month.

What Junebirthdaygirl said. Why do you expect an 18 year old to pay you for petrol? You and his dad are his parents! He's still in education, and work is part time.

Perhaps he doesn’t realise how much it costs to run a home/ buy food etc? So easy not to until you try it.
Maybe give him a list of all household expenses and explain why you need him to contribute.
Eg -car &depreciation&insurance&tax&fuel &maintenance = £x.00 per month. If you want lifts you need to contribute £y.
Do the same for food, energy, household maintenance, council tax, WiFi etc. Might bring him into the real world.

On mobile phone deals, if you have the capital, it is best to buy the phone you want, and then go for some of the great SIM only deals (eg Giffgaff). With what he is earning and you charging him nothing, he could easily have done this.

Penguins1, why on earth wouldn't you expect an 18 year old to pay for petrol when the cost is directly down to giving him lifts because he doesn't want to get the bus? Particularly when you are already giving him free board and lodging?

@Snowydaysaregreat had a good plan.

If you give him a choice of 1/3 of household costs or a fixed amount, and let him do a bit of research into your household bills, you will be doing him a great favour in managing money.

You need to start preparing him for life away from home. Nobody is going to want to share a flat with him if he can't cook a meal, do his laundry, clean the flat, do his own shopping, pay his share of bills etc. Time for lessons on all these things. Or his future partner will be on here complaining about their manchild.

I insisted on my children preparing some family meals from around 16. Son in law appeared perfectly trained in laundry and expert at ironing his own shirts. All of these are seen as positive traits by future partners. Your son should leave home competent in some aspects of running his own home in future. Time for you to give your son the gift of showing him how to do things himself rather than just serving him.

OP well done for getting a breakthrough with your DS. It isn’t easy to change habits/attitudes but you’ve obviously got through to him. He has a lot of disposable income after his phone and bus pass so hopefully he continues to contribute.

I think you’ve handled this really well OP, and good for your son that he transferred money without being asked as soon as he realised costs of running a home. Happy New Year

Smashing OP, you did the right thing. Well done.

His phone contract is awful. He can buy his own food and find his own way to work. Stop doing his washing etc.

My sons all understood that they paid for extras.

Deepankrispaneven because the bus has been an hour wait!