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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my DSC to be allowed to talk to me when they come stay with me and my DH?

41 replies

Cherry83 · 30/12/2018 16:22

Long story cut as short as I can...my DH's ExP sends their 2 DC to our home with terms and conditions attached. She does not allow us to plan family events together nor in all the years we have lived together have we been able to holiday together with their DC. She has in the past instructed my DSC to not talk to me where they are with me and has done this again recently.

DH has put up with this to keep her onside insisting that as long as he is able to see his DC, that is all that matters. My reasoning is her behaviour is emotionally damaging to the children and he is guilty of complicity as am I if I allow it to continue. It also obviously has a massively negative affect on our relationship.

Since we planned a family event this month and he told ExP of plans, he has not been allowed to bring his DC to our home but he is still allowed to see them. He says he will ask for mediation and then go to court if she will not agree to reasonable access (for more than 5 years we had them with us every weekend).

He could ask for mediation now but has put it off until the new year when he can print necessary forms off at work (we have a printer at home!!😒...don't ask).

Seems to me he is stalling...this has been going on to a greater or lesser extent for 6 years. He has talked about taking action on occasions in the past but never has as he stalls and she eventually calms down/he agrees to go along with her wishes and nothing gets resolved.

I have told him doing nothing is no longer an option as I will no longer enable it and if he will not do something formally about it, I will be talking to social services(?) for advice...not sure who else to turn to...

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 30/12/2018 16:27

I imagine he is scared of going nc with the children .

I think though you need to sort this out once and for all

PikaPikaTink · 30/12/2018 16:30

Those poor children. I agree that not being allowed to talk to you while in your home must be emotionally damaging for them.

Your dp needs to fight this but I can understand his desire to keep her onside so he doesn't lose touch with the children. I think all you can do is support him.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 30/12/2018 16:34

Have to ask why you married him without a proper relationship with his dc?

Squeegle · 30/12/2018 16:41

This sounds a horrendous situation. I think he has to get legal advice here, it is an outrageous and unreasonable way to behave.

brownmoose · 30/12/2018 16:43

The children are being used as a pawn, and your husband needs to grow a pair and deal with his ex wife.

Xmastinseltown · 30/12/2018 16:51

Something must've happened for the ex to at one point allow her dc's to be in your company, but now she doesn't.

Does she feel as if you haven't treated her children properly in the past I wonder?, and that's why she is stopping you seeing them?

PaleRider1 · 30/12/2018 16:53

Legal advice, even a strongly worded solicitor letter might help do the trick.

He also needs to grow a pair, stand up to her and stop letting her pull his strings and emotionally abuse those children.

How old are the children anyway?

rwalker · 30/12/2018 16:55

He"ll be frightened of her withholding the kids from him .Disgusting behaviour she can do what she wants and he will have to jump through hoops to the court for access, that she can then piss about with .How sad and damaging for the kids .
If he goes through the courts she can still not follow court instructions very little in the way of consequences and it take forever to deal with.

DistanceCall · 30/12/2018 16:57

This is insane. That woman is insane.

Get legal advice.

Bluebell878275 · 30/12/2018 16:58

Xmastinseltown My husband's ex used to have similar terms and conditions until we went to a solicitor and put a stop to most of it. I'm not the OW and my DSD and I are very close, some ex's just can't cope with it. If you haven't experienced this type of situation I can see why it would be hard to believe a parent could use their children like this..it does happen, jealousy plain and simple.

Aridane · 30/12/2018 17:08

How old are the children?

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 17:17

My DHs ex also insisted on similar terms to contact.

DH did take it to court (several times, as did exW), and eventually CAFCASS recommended that contact with DH should take place away from our home (without me) on exW terms. They stated that the alternative would have been to remove DCs from their mothers care and place them with DH as exW was deemed to be "implacably hostile", but that they feared that she would then refuse to have any contact, so wanted to avoid that option if possible. They wanted DH to compromise as exW wouldn't.

In DHs case, going along with his exW and seeing his DS on her terms was the "least worst" option and has meant he has maintained a relationship with his DS over the last 6 years (he's now 16), and he's now happy to see me and spend time at our house.

bridgetreilly · 30/12/2018 17:27

She absolutely does not get to dictate their behaviour while they are with their father, and telling them not to talk to you is a particular vile attempt to control things. I would be encouraging your DP to seek legal advice on this, and I would suggest to him that he encourage the children to engage with you as they have in the past, rather than going along with what their mother has said.

Mouse14 · 30/12/2018 17:33

It's not her place to dictate how the children behave when with you. How old are they? We have a similar issue with my DH's 3 teenagers. Following several years of poisoning from their mum, they rarely visit now and choose to have little contact with their step brother who is 1. They hardly want to see their dad. Really sad. If you don't sort this out now, the poisoning will have a detrimental effect on either her relationship with her children or with their dad. Feel so sorry for kids in this situation. You too, dealing with an ex is shit

CanuckBC · 30/12/2018 18:25

That is so vile as poisoning to the children. I feel so bad for them. I can’t imagine how the are feeling about this.

How is your relationship with them normally? How old are they?

I would print up the papers for your DH! Do you have children with him?

Chocolate50 · 30/12/2018 18:43

Yes agree with other posters awful - she's trying to control your relationship with your dsc.
Sad to say it happens all of the time though. You could get some advice from the nspcc about how to best help the situation? Its s freephone number I've used them & they're really good.

Original poster
Cherry83 · 30/12/2018 21:33

Thanks Chocolate50, I hadn't thought of nspcc...I will try them if this drags on any longer.

Coldheartwarmhands sorry you have had a tough time. I think ExP would likely take same line. I never imagined this would count in her favour though :(

DSC are 15 and 11 both lovely children with who I get on well, no issues other than I can tell youngest is conflicted when I talk to him and he has to respond. Really difficult for him as he does love his mum.

DH and I have been talking. We think there must be something going on in her private life...if she is suffering so does everyone else as this has come out of the blue after a storm then calm for some months. Similar situations have happened in the past but that's us just speculating...I really cannot understand her behaviour which is unreasonable and irrational to the point of making herself sound unstable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherry83 · 30/12/2018 21:47

Mouse14 sorry you have had a tough time. Dealing with an ex should not be s**t though. I have no such issues with my ex and his new wife...I am perfectly happy for my children to travel the world with them as long as children are happy. We're not allowed so much as a weekend away on the south coast as a family...she refers to it as us "playing happy families". Last time we went for a proper day out (in May) my DSS said it was the best day out ever and could we do it every weekend...you can imagine how well that went down with his DM!

OP posts:
Xmastinseltown · 30/12/2018 21:59

Bluebell
Thanks for your advice but the thing is, I have experienced a situation with my ex Dh's wife.
I had to stop her from seeing my girls as she was a nasty piece of work to them.

I'm not saying that's the situation in this case, but surely if the mother was being awkward about contact, then she'd have been like this from the word go.
Something must have happened I would say that has made her decide to stop contact with the OP.

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 22:59

Xmastinseltown

Like the OP has suggested, my DH, his DCs, and I, were at the mercy of whatever was happening elsewhere in the life of DHs exW.

My DHs marriage to her ended after her affair, and from the point at which he chose to leave, her hostility towards him, and myself after we met, was directly proportional to other turbulence in her life. When she faced problems - at work, financially, or with family - she would escalate her hostility; on two occasions applying to court to prevent contact, (one of those, applying to have his PR removed) or just withholding contact unilaterally, by keeping the DCs off school or hiding them at her mothers house. Other times, she would demand handover in car parks - where she would either abuse or try to kiss DH Shock

It's comforting to believe that there must have been some underlying trigger for her hostility and hatred of me; but the reality (that I have spent £££ in therapy coming to terms with) is that it has nothing to do with me at all!

whiteworld · 30/12/2018 23:01

She’s bonkers, and so selfish - poisoning her dc’s lives.

Get legal advice.

Bluebell878275 · 30/12/2018 23:21

Xmastinseltown Well it sounds like you are just a normal person looking out for your children's welfare Smile For me, I'm a normal person with good values, a good job, good morals, I don't understand the vitriol that has come from someone that I have nothing to do with apart from contact EOW. I have researched, I've done so much to try and understand the hatred (almost to my MH detriment). Not saying I'm blameless but I honestly can't think of anything I've done to cause 10 years of this shit..I just exist, which is enough reason for some ex's.

Original poster
Cherry83 · 31/12/2018 00:18

Xmastinseltown Yes, your situation sounds very similar to mine and my DH says it's not me, it would be the same no matter who he was in a relationship with, his ExP would use any SO as scapegoat to justify her irrational behaviour.

Her behaviour has been bad enough for me to seek advice from the police. They want my husband to press charges but he is refusing as it would be too upsetting for the children. She has been in trouble with the police on previous occasions (not related to us) and each time she has made us all suffer. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

OP posts:
Myotherusernames · 31/12/2018 04:50

@cherry83 so sorry you are going through this. Its hard to get your head around things like this when the actions of the ex are so crazy, surely we all want what's best for the kids but these women seem to focus on their ex partners new life. My dh & I met when my dss was 4, a result of a one night stand, I've loved him from the day I met him but she did everything in her power to stop us having any kind of relationship, going to view a house, arranged to collect him, no answer when we called, 2 hours later a ranting abusive call that the child was so upset we never came for him, weekend away same thing, we were long distance at the time so everything was well planned in advance & my oh had dss every other weekend anyway so foolishly thought there'd be no issues, anything she could do to make things awkward she would, so annoying at time but held my tongue. Here we are 18 years later, I have a wonderful relationship with my dss to the everlasting annoyance of his mother & now that he's an adult we barely speak, our attitude now is we don't need your permission for anything so go fuck yourself, I can't begin to tell you the joy that brings after all the years if her dictating when & what we could do with our kids even though it wa perfectly fine for her to do same with her own

SnowsInWater · 31/12/2018 05:53

I work as a mediator. Your DH needs to tell his ex that he will go to court and go for full custody if she doesn't stop being a bat shit crazy bitch. Those poor kids are being put in an impossible situation by their mother because she can't get her head around the fact that they are the ones who matter here, not her. Your DH also needs to grow a pair!

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