AIBU to expect my DSC to be allowed to talk to me when they come stay with me and my DH?

[Cherry83]

Long story cut as short as I can...my DH's ExP sends their 2 DC to our home with terms and conditions attached. She does not allow us to plan family events together nor in all the years we have lived together have we been able to holiday together with their DC. She has in the past instructed my DSC to not talk to me where they are with me and has done this again recently.

DH has put up with this to keep her onside insisting that as long as he is able to see his DC, that is all that matters. My reasoning is her behaviour is emotionally damaging to the children and he is guilty of complicity as am I if I allow it to continue. It also obviously has a massively negative affect on our relationship.

Since we planned a family event this month and he told ExP of plans, he has not been allowed to bring his DC to our home but he is still allowed to see them. He says he will ask for mediation and then go to court if she will not agree to reasonable access (for more than 5 years we had them with us every weekend).

He could ask for mediation now but has put it off until the new year when he can print necessary forms off at work (we have a printer at home!!😒...don't ask).

Seems to me he is stalling...this has been going on to a greater or lesser extent for 6 years. He has talked about taking action on occasions in the past but never has as he stalls and she eventually calms down/he agrees to go along with her wishes and nothing gets resolved.

I have told him doing nothing is no longer an option as I will no longer enable it and if he will not do something formally about it, I will be talking to social services(?) for advice...not sure who else to turn to...

What SnowsInWater says. My ex friend is the ex wife. There was no end to the crazy stunts that she pulled. She did not want her children having a relationship with a step mum or their Dad. I came to the conclusion that she is a psycopath (note the ex friend part). You will not be able to reason with your DH’s ex so stop trying and tell him to grow a pair and take it to court for the sake of his children. I have seen the damage that this craziness does to children. My ex friend’s ex eventually took it to court, far too late in my opinion. He now has regular access, can take them on holiday and has every other Christmas etc. She daren’t put a foot wrong as he called in social services too and she was petrified that she would lose the kids. It was terribly sad that it came to that. The kids were never at risk physically but they were being used by their mother to punish their dad for leaving. When her life was going well their dad got a break and was allowed to see the kids but if there was any drama in her life she would get nasty towards the ex. There is nothing you can say or do to reason with someone like that. Do not let this go on any longer. Court is the only way forward.

I think it is worth playing the long game here, yes she is completely unreasonable but in 2 years they will be 13 and 17 and unlikely to listen to her anymore. If she stops contact now it could be a long time before your DH sees his DC again, unless you think she is bluffing and would not go through.

At those ages it should be increasingly their choice if they have contact with their father and how and when.
"Parental alienation" is an offence too I believe.

To be honest your DH needs to talk to a good solicitor and get it straight what his and the children's rights are. I would also consider getting them some counselling, as she is not doing them any good with such unreasonable demands. (At 15 I would expect "contact" to be more popping round and phoning when they felt like it, unless they have an SEN.)

CaveyWavey Your ex friend sounds much like this person and I would not use the term psychopath lightly but this is what I have been asking by DH if there is a chance she has these tendencies. More recently I have wondered whether she is bipolar as it fits the mood swings. Whatever she is, she certainly has issues and cannot be reasoned with.

Bekabeech She has told the children "her house her rules whatever their age". I told DH he should be telling her "his house his rules" but he has been so compliant over the years I don't think he has it in him. This has also lead to his children being equally compliant to her "instructions"...that's how she has phrases it..."I will be instructing my children to ...x/y/z"

SnowsInwater DH went to a solicitor for advice months ago. DH says ExP needs to refuse contact with DC twice and have documented evidence of this before requesting mediation. Does he have his facts wrong as my ExH and I went to mediation to resolve a financial dispute but first session was spent setting out child access arrangements (despite there being no dispute over this) ?

Cherry
I'm just wondering what actual reason has the ex wife given as to why she expects her dc's to not talk to you?

Surely, the dc's are old enough to know that, even if their mum is insistent on them not talking to you, she wouldn't get to know if they took no notice of her and just spoke to you anyway.
Also, why did you have to speak to the police about her?

I'm just wondering what actual reason has the ex wife given as to why she expects her dc's to not talk to you?

Surely, the dc's are old enough to know that, even if their mum is insistent on them not talking to you,

I can't speak for the OP, but in the case of DHs exW, she used a combination of emotional blackmail "I know you have to see your father, but it's just so upsetting for me and I know^ you wouldn't want to do anything to upset me more"^ (she also used to sob openly when DH collected them from her house, and even though the DCs headteacher talked to her about it, eventually, the court ordered handover through school).
Coupled with this was subtle threats - she used to tell her DD "I've got spies everywhere, so know where you go and who with"

In DHs case, it helped that his ExW was so open about it, she used to tell CAFCASS and other professionals that she saw no reason for DH to be in her DCs lives. Unfortunately, her behaviour was so extreme that the only way for the DCs to retain a relationship with both parents means that they have has missed out on a childhood with their dad.

And in relation to the pp who suggested counselling, my DH was so worried about his DS's MH that he took him to the GP, who agreed that there was a problem but said bluntly that CAMHS counselling would only work if both parents engaged and as ExW was against it, the GP wouldn't make a referral because places were limited and another child would benefit more from it than DHs DS would.

Cold - that GP was wrong, but actually I would recommend an in school counsellor to start with. As to be frank this behaviour sounds like a possible Safeguarding concern (emotional harm).
But if your DH won't create a fuss then he is part of the problem and is enabling her.

But if your DH won't create a fuss then he is part of the problem and is enabling her.

If you'd read my pp you'll see that the Courts decided what was best for DHs DCs. and that was to accommodate exW demands in order to prevent them losing a parent.

His DCs had, and continue to have, emotional support from school - but their mother has regularly put a stop to it.

And yes, the school referred it as a safeguarding concern to SS. What could they do?

Reason why she kicked off earlier this year was because I purchased a gift for DSC to give to their DD for Father's Day. She went crazy and phoned me demanding I never ever gave her children a gift to give to their dad again as it was her job to do that and not my place. Bizarre statement for her to make because my MiL has always funded gifts and DH has had only odd token gift from his DC funded by ExP. The gift I gave was also very small value, nothing that would outshine anything she would fund if she decided he was worthy of a gift at all. I told her we would have to agree to disagree on that one. She considered this disrespectful hence children were instructed to not speak to me.

Even if she considered my failure to abide by her demands as disrespectful, it is a total overreaction to order children to not speak to me. She screams at my DH that she will ruin his life and destroy our marriage. She has sent my DH sexually explicit text messages and topless (thankfully headless) photos of herself ...now THAT is disrespectful but we have not risen to the bait, completely ignored her behaviour so she is not getting the response she wants.

Reason why I talked to police was because she made threats in a text if I was to talk to her DC. Told police whole sorry story as well as showing them text and an email from past issues. They said they could arrest her on three different charges including DV (coercion and control).

Police informed social services which they said is normal for reported DV incidents (even though no physical violence took place they say her behaviour is classed as DV. SS decided not to pursue matter as things stood at the time.

Both DSC are lovely, both are doing well at school so no outward signs of emotional well-being problems but I am concerned about issues longer term.

Out of the three adults in this situation you sound like the only one with a sound emotional head!

Thanks Mousetolioness. Feels like I'm the only only who is actually giving consideration to my DSC's short and longer term welfare but tbh I am at breaking point with the stress of her being so irrationally controlling and DH enabling her. Several friends have commented that up until now I have enabled him and I know this is true but it's sad that it's taken me being on the verge of a breakdown for him to realise the situation cannot continue.

OP if you look up borderline personality disorder (and emotional dysregulation) I think that will hit the nail on the head for you! My DPs exW has this, undiagnosed unfortunately (and she's never likely to get help). We have very similar problems to you. I agree that a court order is probably the way forward - these people aren't really suited to mediation because they simply can't compromise or understand others' points of view, that's part of the problem. Good luck.

I agree with PP - although this sounds awful, you got into this with your eyes open and have enabled the situation to continue over several years.

I am not sure what you can do now as DH would probably/should choose his DC if you give him an ultimatum. I suspect all you can hope for is that as the DC get older, they will become more likely to stand up to their mother. Of course they may not....

I couldn't tolerate being ignored in my own home like this, but you have accepted it.

Meg70 You are more than likely right. One of the first questions the police asked was does she have any mental health issues? My answer was none diagnosed but I do believe it is most likely a BPD which is behind it all. Lately my DSD has made reference to her DM's deep mood swings so I am now wondering whether it could be a bipolar related issue. I don't know enough about mental health but to have something to blame her bizarre behaviour on makes it easier to feel pity for her than to feel angry.

Cuppycakey I don't like giving ultimatums as it feels like emotional blackmail which makes me no better than her but I have said to DH that ignoring the situation is no longer an option. He says he was planning on dealing with it this week with Christmas and new year out of the way and insists me having my say is not what is spurring him on. He has made similar promises in the past but always held out for the storm to pass and for her to act normal again so I have little faith in him right now.