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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DP doing drugs?

36 replies

hutata · 30/12/2018 15:04

DP used drugs a lot when we first met, not just recreationally. It caused a lot of arguments as he lied a lot, and I didn't want to be with him if he was doing drugs at all, so he kept doing it behind my back.

Fast forward a bit and he wasn't 'addicted', but used them recreationally (behind my back). We had DS and split when he was a few weeks old because I stepped back and didn't want anything of the sort associated with my baby.

Fast forward a bit more and we got back together after he'd tried to get back the relationship for months. He stopped using drugs recreationally so altogether as he knew I wouldn't have a relationship with him otherwise.

And then we got into a conversation with a stranger after a few drinks last night, and she basically said I was unreasonable and I have to let him do I want and accept it as a part of him if he wants to do it. He didn't object to this and kind of made a face like she had a point, although he insisted he wasn't bothered about recreationally taking anything anymore.

I never thought I was being unreasonable to ask the father of my child not to go off and take illegal/recreational drugs on nights out.
Am I???

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 30/12/2018 15:07

Why did you take him back in the first place?

Chickychoccyegg · 30/12/2018 15:09

yanbu at all, he knows what you're willing to put up with, he either stays away from drugs or from you, his choice, you dont have to accept anything you're not comfortable with.
I would also be unwilling to have a dp who took drugs

Original poster
hutata · 30/12/2018 15:10

@IAmAlwaysLikeThis he's an excellent father and he was going above and beyond for us. He hadn't recreationally used anything in months and I trusted that he wouldn't - it's now been over a year since he has.

OP posts:
HollyandIvyarelivingitupagain · 30/12/2018 15:10

You gave him a choice.He could have carried on with drugs but without you.It seems he chose you.
You are also entitled to bring up your child in a drug free environment.

Original poster
hutata · 30/12/2018 15:11

Nice to hear I'm not being unreasonable. I was a bit shocked by this woman looking at me like I was being controlling and unreasonableConfused

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 30/12/2018 15:12

“he's an excellent father”

an excellent father who does drugs behind the mother’s back.

aye right.

SierraSmythe · 30/12/2018 15:13

YANBU at all. She may not care if her DP sleeps with prostitutes, takes drugs and mugs people because "it's a part of him" that she has to accept.

Most of us expect more from a DP though!

Handsfull13 · 30/12/2018 15:13

She has a point in that you shouldn't have to force him to give up drugs the same way he can't force you to deal with him being a drug user.

You are both you own people and make your own decisions. You've decided you can be in a relationship with someone doing drugs. It's up to him whether he wants to take drugs or be with you.

He has the choice every day if he wants to go back to taking drugs but he knows you won't be there if he does.

You haven't forced him into anything you've just given him a better option.

overnightangel · 30/12/2018 15:15

“He’s an excellent father”
I think you may be on drugs too

Original poster
hutata · 30/12/2018 15:18

He is an excellent father. He hasn't touched or been associated with anything of the sort for a long while. His priorities are straight (now) and he accepted that to be a family unit, he couldn't recreationally take drugs if he had a night out. There's a good reason we split but also an equally good reason we got back together and we wouldn't have reconciled if I didn't 100% trust him.

OP posts:
Onceihadaname · 30/12/2018 15:21

You aren't being controlling in the slightest. He has free choice, just like you do too.
I would totally agree with your stance, although you were more trusting than I may have been and am not convinced I would have let him back into my dc's life at all, so he has plenty to be grateful for!

HollowTalk · 30/12/2018 15:23

For some reason that woman was trying to put you in your place. Does she fancy your husband?

zippey · 30/12/2018 15:24

I think you are unreasonable.

You knew he was a druggie when you first met and got to know him. It’s part of who he was.

And you knew he liked drugs when you decided to have a child with him.

I think it’s unfair for you to want him to change the person you fell in love with.

I would split up with him and try and figure why you made those choices. A drug addict will make for a bad partner and a bad role model for your child. He will always choose drugs.

Original poster
hutata · 30/12/2018 15:24

@HollowTalk she was just a stranger we had a conversation with while out for a drink, and must've been about 20 years older than us, so potentially! 😂

OP posts:
WTFIsAGleepglorp · 30/12/2018 15:25

DP used drugs a lot when we first met

How the fuck did you meet?

That first line is the clue.

You're effectively a drug addict's girlfriend.

longwayoff · 30/12/2018 15:25

Do you often take advice from random strangers in pubs? Do what's good for you.

Original poster
hutata · 30/12/2018 15:26

@longwayoff no, it's definitely not advice that I'd ever consider taking, just wanted to see what people generally thought of that but glad to see that I'm not being unreasonable!

OP posts:
PumpkinKitty82 · 30/12/2018 15:28

How bizarre that you had this conversation with a random stranger

JellySlice · 30/12/2018 15:28

You chose to have a child with a man you knew did drugs, and who you knew would continue to take drugs. You chose to accept him. What gives you the right to insist he now changes his ways?

This online random stranger agrees with the random stranger you met in RL.

RochelleGoyle · 30/12/2018 15:31

You're effectively a drug addict's girlfriend

Erm, have you read anything the OP has written?

longwayoff · 30/12/2018 15:31

Sorry, do ignore her. If you've got something workable between you, that's the important thing. You sound perfectly reasonable. Drugs are a rite of passage for many young men til they're persuaded to reach the age of reason.

Calvinsmam · 30/12/2018 15:33

What drugs is he taking?

I think you’re being unreasonable if he’s having a joint to unwind on a night out and never does it in front of you the baby.
Not if he’s taking crystal meth.

You have every right to split up with someone for whatever reason you like and can have whatever boundary you wish.
Your partner is an adult though and you can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to do or not do.

nonevernotever · 30/12/2018 15:34

This online random stranger agrees with the random stranger you met in RL. And this one doesn't - PP have it right for me - you're not forcing him to do anything, you're just setting down the things that matter to you and it's his choice if he stays or not.

starzig · 30/12/2018 15:35

YABU. You knew he took them when you met. Would you give something you enjoy doing permanently for a man? I get the cutting down, but the occasional night out is fine.

Original poster
hutata · 30/12/2018 15:35

@Calvinsmam no, I appreciate that that'd be unreasonable. This is along the lines of party drugs, cocaine, MDMA, LSD etc.

OP posts:
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