To not want DP doing drugs?

[hutata]

DP used drugs a lot when we first met, not just recreationally. It caused a lot of arguments as he lied a lot, and I didn't want to be with him if he was doing drugs at all, so he kept doing it behind my back.

Fast forward a bit and he wasn't 'addicted', but used them recreationally (behind my back). We had DS and split when he was a few weeks old because I stepped back and didn't want anything of the sort associated with my baby.

Fast forward a bit more and we got back together after he'd tried to get back the relationship for months. He stopped using drugs recreationally so altogether as he knew I wouldn't have a relationship with him otherwise.

And then we got into a conversation with a stranger after a few drinks last night, and she basically said I was unreasonable and I have to let him do I want and accept it as a part of him if he wants to do it. He didn't object to this and kind of made a face like she had a point, although he insisted he wasn't bothered about recreationally taking anything anymore.

I never thought I was being unreasonable to ask the father of my child not to go off and take illegal/recreational drugs on nights out.
Am I???

People get on their high horses on here as if recovering drug addicts shouldn't be allowed a family or second chance. If he's not using anymore that's brilliant. And that woman was wrong.

And he never does it in front of you or your baby?

It’s a hard one, me and my husband used to take a lot of drugs when we were younger but both decided to give it up as we got older/wiser/more mature. Neither of us take any but a lot of my friends do when it’s a big night.
I’m glad my husband doesn’t but I don’t think I’d be annoyed if he did as a one off.

But these are your boundaries so it’s what you think is acceptable.

What is it about him taking them that you don’t like?

Is he a recovering addict? I missed that bit.
I think that changes things.

@Calvinsmam I wouldn't classify him as a recovering addict. He got very dependent on legal highs at the start of our relationship - we were quite young. For a while it wasn't recreational, it was most nights he'd be taking something.

A few months before I got pregnant he'd stopped being dependent on anything and was only using recreationally. But all of this (and above) was behind my back.

It's been over a year since he touched anything now and he is aware that if he did, I wouldn't stay in the relationship.

An old BF used drugs a lot when we met. He was quite open about it. I said I hate drugs and he was not to do them in the house. He agreed but then kept trying to persuade me to try them - he even baked a whole batch of brownies once, full of cannabis, and nearly didn't tell me of the "secret ingredient". I don't think it is at all unreasonable to set out what you can and cannot tolerate, and it is then up to him whether he is prepared to abide by your wishes or not. I do not think you are being at all unreasonable - it is not as if the activity is legal.

No-one who is using drugs is a "good father"

I'd have ditched him the moment I realised he was doing it and certainly never ever would of had a child with them.

He may not bring taking them now because of you but it may not always stay that way and if you split he wouldn't have you to answer too.

I would assume this woman also uses drugs and is looking to enable/excuse her behaviour.

Addicts always flock together because it normalises their behaviour and lets them tell themselves they don't have a problem and "everybody does it".

Your DP has accepted "no more drugs" as the price of entry to your continued relationship. Don't second guess yourself due to some random in a pub.

You chose to have a child with a man you knew did drugs, and who you knew would continue to take drugs. You chose to accept him. What gives you the right to insist he now changes his ways?

What utter rubbish! OP is not forcing her DH to stop taking drugs is she? They are both free to make choices. OP is simply making clear that she will not choose to continue to be in a relationship with someone who takes/abuses illegal substances (the fact she accepted it before is irrelevant now, people are allowed to change their minds about serious issues like that). Her DH is also free to choose whether to continue to take drugs or be in a relationship with OP, entirely up to him- but he cannot do both. He seems to have decided, thus far at least, that he would rather be with OP than take drugs. He may, at some point in the future, rescind that decision and decide he wants to take drugs more than he wants to be in a relationship with OP (assuming she didn't change her mind and decide that she would accept him using drugs). Nobody is forcing anyone to do anything- just clearly stating their own boundaries, which is perfectly reasonable.

@jacks11 thank you. I also never accepted it though, that's what all the lying etc was about from him. I was just naive and young and thought I could stop him from doing it. People only change when they're ready to I suppose but I'm so glad he did grow up from that phase!

Whrre do you draw the line rosehip. Alcohol? Painkillers? Prescription drugs? Cigarettes? Caffeine even?