To feel this judged for my child’s behaviour?

[MrsHobbs]

DS is 3 next month. Myself, DS and DP stayed the night last night at a family friends of DP’s. Another one of DP’s friends, his DW and their 4 year old DS were also there.
DS is a very ‘spirited’ child and always has been. He is very strong willed and doesn’t like to be made to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I feel we usually discipline and deal with this accordingly as best as we can, whilst also realising that he’s only 2 and is still figuring everything out. He is also bright, funny and very loving- I feel like he has a split personality lately.
So yesterday he was very well behaved, no meltdowns or kick offs, played lovely with other child there. He went to bed later than usual (wouldn’t settle in unusual room) and woke earlier than usual this morning- so was tired today. He all of a sudden started tantrumming badly over me trying to get him dressed and screaming very very loudly. I took him upstairs to calm down. This continued for a while and he was even hitting me and kicking me as I was trying to get him dressed. (No one else saw that though thank God). He has not been that badly behaved for around 6 months now. And I was mortified.
The main reason being is that DP’s friends DW is the most judgmental person I have ever met. I have never encountered a mother who makes another mother feel worse when they are already struggling. Only sympathising and empathetic fellow mums. When we speak and I tell of DS’s tantrums, she replies “my DS has NEVER had tantrums like that”. When DS struggled to settle last night and was messing about “we’ve never had that with DS, it’s one story and then we go- and he knows not to get out of bed”. (Her DP then entered the room and told me of how they used to have to take their DS out in the car to get him to sleep and how he used to shout for them when they did controlled crying- so it wasnt even completely true ). She has this time and on previous visits told me of her friends children and their behaviour (which sounds very similar to DS’s at times!) and refers to them as ‘turds’. She tells me how her DS’s private school is so much better than state schools and how much more advanced her child is than other kids his age because of it. She is very strict with her own DS and often scolds him for simply being a child (laughing loudly, being moderately hyperactive etc). He’s very well behaved all of the time I have seen him- and looks visibly shocked when my DS tantrums.
I would have been embarrassed anyway but felt all the more for her being there to the point I was in tears in the toilet. DP tells me I’m over sensitive and it has nothing to do with her. I know I shouldn’t care what she thinks, but I can just imagine her calling DS a ‘turd’ and judging my parenting because of how she is. AIBU? Is she?! I don’t think i’ll be going back there whilst they are staying again.

I’d just give a good old mn tinkly laugh when she is spouting off about her son and say ‘well we can’t all be perfect like x’ no doubt she’ll backtrack out of embarrassment but I would highlight every time she makes her ridiculous comments. Like when the child’s dad said about having to driven to sleep just say ‘oh that’s strange as according to mum he’s never misbehaved in his life’. Make it a joke that he is the precious son and I’m sure she’ll pack it in.

Just for balance, with the autism thing... I have DS who is diagnosed with high functioning autism, he never had tantrums at 3 (he did later on at 5 onwards and even now he's 11 is extremely challenging to the point of multiple school exclusions) and I have a DD who is neurotypical and had the most ferocious tantrums from 18 months til 4 years (the normal time to have them)... They are all different. Best of luck to you.

Maybe she was judging. Or maybe you were already sensitive about his behaviour and anything she said would sound judgey. Our girl never had tantrums. If I was with a mum who had a tantrumming child I might have said so in an attempt to empathise that I’d have no idea how to deal with it. That might come across as judging.

I agree that saying they are spirited and that you do what you can does rather sound like you don’t think it’s a problem or don’t know what to do.

She's a jammy woman, I always said that if my son had been my first born he'd have been my only born. He's grown up to be the calmest, most level headed person I have had the pleasure of knowing (unlike his stressy older sister who never had a tantrum as a child).

I work with someone who gives highly edited accounts of her child's behaviour/sleep/ability, and is also quite judgy on the sly about other mothers.
She's insecure and struggling, and this is her coping mechanism.
I try to limit my contact with her to the bare minimum as mine.

Very few children will go all the way through childhood being easy at everything, and it's more luck than judgement.

I have DCs of very different emotional responses. Pretty much the same parenting early on. DS2 was articulate from an early age and has rarely tantrumed, and on the few occasions they are short-lived... thank goodness because DS1 was and still can be hard going. A speech delay made it worse, and tantrums did ease as his vocabulary improved. On the flip side, he had an amazing attention span and could happily entertain himself for ages.

You can only do the best with the child you have and what you know at the time.

Anyone who has a child who never tantrums/ goes to sleep on time/ eats everything etc etc has had as much luck as good systems. If there was one method of perfect parenting, there would only be one parenting book on the market

I’m posting this with a tainted view after spending Christmas with a ‘spirited’ family member and being immensely annoyed by parents unwillingness to discipline in anyway as it is nature to be spirited.

She’s judging you, you’re judging her. We all have different ways of raising our children. We have different boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. She may have low thresholds to noise and hyperactivity and we do not know if there is a reason for this. She is likely stressed by the different noise level.

You’re calling you’re son a 2 year old, he’s 3 next months so adjust your expectations of him and his behaviour accordingly.

She sounds controlling, gloaty and a bit full of herself. Hardly the best example to set for your children. Just ignore her. Your son was tired and had a meltdown. Perfectly normal behaviour.

By the way. I was the most perfectly behaved child and never tantrumed, but I certainly made up for it as a teenager! At such a young age, you can never really say your child is always going to be well behaved. You never know who they might mix with when they are older, and if she is as bad she sounds in telling her child off for normal behaviour, they might end up rebelling at some point anyway.

There are some strange comments on this thread. Why on Earth would ANYONE presume to diagnose autism based on a few paragraphs on a website, especially when the behaviour in question was atypical for the child? Also, the weird assumption that using the word "spirited" meant that the OP wasn't prepared to address or correct behaviour.

It sounds as though you are doing a great job OP-toddlers are hard work. Also, all credit for you to sticking with a friend even if you aren't keen on his partner. Loyalty and love are good things.

Armadillo I thought that autism comment was a little off too. Surely it's an unusual 2 or 3 year old who doesn't have a tantrum after Christmas when over tired? Plus the diagnosis process is so complex.
When my DS (hfa) was that age everyone thought I was such a great mum because he was so placid and did everything I told him too. Little did I know he was developmentally delayed and the tantrums hit a few years later!!

My DD once threw a twenty minute fit in the middle of our damn high street when she was around your DS' age. Why? Because the green tractor bumbling up the road didn't stop for her, and she wanted to say hello to it. Passers-by poured their judgement all over me while I tried wrestling the flailing, screaming, out of control octopus back into her buggy with zero fucking success. I really hurt my back in the process as well, so I was struggling even more. Some super lovely woman actually crossed the street to come and help me strap her in! I'd never been so embarrassed - or shocked at DD's sudden change in behaviour!

DD was, generally speaking, what most would consider a VERY placid, well behaved toddler. The loud outbursts were few and far between. She did grind her teeth, ball up her fists and smack her head against the floor/walls quite a lot out of total frustration though. Weirdo!

Your DS is 3 and learning his way, OP. There will be tantrums about getting dressed and meltdowns because he wants to eat chocolate for breakfast. He may very well kick off if you don't let him leave the house wearing underpants on his head. His whole world may collapse come dinner time if his peas end up touching his chicken. Fact is they're just not very reasonable at 3! Please don't beat yourself up.

Oh, and ditch this 'friend'. She sounds bloody awful!

anyone who refers to another as a "turd" has no right to be judgemental about anything.

When my DS (hfa) was that age everyone thought I was such a great mum because he was so placid and did everything I told him too. Little did I know he was developmentally delayed and the tantrums hit a few years later!!

Hahahaha yes! This was my experience too. People used to comment frequently about how good my never-had-tantrum perfect-little-sleeping child was. I thought I had parenting sorted 😂

Nope, developmentally delayed. More than makes up for it now though!

I also found the suggestion of autism to be very off. A 3 year old tantrumming when overtired after Christmas is hardly abnormal. Try coping with that from a 9 year old! (My DD1 is 9, adopted and has Attachment Disorder, awaiting therapy.)

The OP has explained what she meant by 'spirited' so some PPs are reading more into it than they should IMO.

Take no notice of this woman. I've had to learn to be thick skinned about this sort of thing, being an adoptive mum of 2 DDs. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what other people think; you should just focus on being the best mum you can be.

Sounds like pure frustration at not knowing why he felt like he did & not being able to express it.

We often expect a lot from kids-taking them here & there, expecting certain behaviour.

"but I can just imagine her calling DS a ‘turd’ "

Then why see her?

Send her over to the private school thread currently raging on MN.
She’ll fit in fine

You do know she's lying, OP?
No way would a child be that robotic.

Her comments were unkind and unhelpful, but I don't think that kicking and hitting your mother in the face twice as she gets you dressed is OK/normal behaviour for a child of almost 3 as some people are saying here. However, you know that because you were mortified and it's touched a nerve. So YANBU, she was judging you and you are judging her style of parenting.

FWIW it sounds like you are uncertain of how to parent your child at this stage of his life: on the one hand you admire his sparkiness and strength of character (which is fine) but on the other, you want him to obey what you consider to be reasonable requests (like getting dressed). I am not sure you can have it both ways at 3! It might be time to adjust your expectations of his behaviour, he's not a toddler any more.

She’s a nob OP. My DS was the most adorable, well behaved boy ever, no terrible twos/threes tantrums. Then he turned 4 and found his attitude and at 6 he is much harder work than DD who did have massive tantrums as a toddler. Mrs Judgey pants might find she gets a rude awakening!

Just to clarify again, I am under no illusion that my child is an angel, and saying he is sometimes ‘spirited’ was more polite than saying sometimes my kid is a “little shit”. I have in the past struggled with his behaviour and found it overwhelming- I have posted on here about it about a year ago asking for advice and if it was normal etc. However as I’ve said previously in the last 6 months I have seen massive changes to his behaviour. He’s much more reasonable, calmer, pays attention to things for longer and is generally better behaved most of the time and I have stopped worrying and come to the conclusion as pp’s have said that it IS normal, and that all children are different and develop in different ways.
This does not mean I let him get away with playing up. I’ve worked hard to ‘reign in’ in his behaviour and teach him what’s acceptable and what’s not and am definitely more of the ‘bad cop’ than DP (but that’s another thread!) I didn’t realise that connotations associated with the word spirited implies that I make excuses or let him get away with being disruptive.

As for calling him a 2 year old- he is currently 2 and has been for 11 months. I was referring to ‘realising that he’s 2 and still figuring things out’ as this is what I’ve been doing when remembering not to be so hard on him since he has been 2.

As long as you don't allow your child to disrupt others and are trying to help your son learn NOT to tantrum, then you're doing fine.

On the reverse side, I had two basically well behaved sons. Never threw a tantrum and were pretty easy to parent when they were young*. I put it down mostly to temperament, but also a united parental front when it came to limits. My (former) BFF once asked me if my sons were 'slow' because they pretty much did what they were asked to do with a minimum of fuss. Her son was a tantrumming terror who was constantly given in to and had a pretty chaotic home life. It got to the point where I'd only see her without her son because of the way he spoke to and treated my sons and their toys.

*Let's not mention the teen years!

"spirited" - middle class way of saying my kids run wild.

My(non)favourite comment (slightly off subject - but similar) "we never argue - do we darling?" - amazing how some people have such poor memories - there must be a syndrome for that! Ignore - you noted that your dc didn't get enough sleep & that was the root of his mood - Think as an adult - how are you if you don't get enough sleep? So - I think you need to forget her & her opinions & when dc are uni age the students who work hard in state schools & accomplish good marks are more likely to succeed at uni (or where ever) because they have learnt to work independently. If you can do things with him out of school like museums & other trips & read to him - he will be able to compete with any private school kid

realising that he’s 2 and still figuring things out

I think if his behaviour was surprising to you despite the excitement of Christmas, change in his routine and a lack of sleep, it’s mummy who is still figuring things out 😄