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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for how i feel about my sons autism.

202 replies

saffkey1 · 30/12/2018 12:12

My DS is 5 and is severely autistic.I have two younger children with my DH.AIBU to not,as everyone else suggests i should,be really ott positive about my child being autistic .I have tried,but I find alot of people say shitty things like ‘i wouldnt change a thing’ when i really would.I love my son dearly and i will support him until i die but if i could give him a tablet i would.I just worry so much about him,about his life being hard.I also get incredibly jealous of those with ‘normal’ 5 year olds who complain about them.Im not sure whether im being awful for feeling this way.

OP posts:
redexpat · 30/12/2018 12:14

No youre not. I love my DS but my god our lives would be so much easier if he could speak normally.

Fairylea · 30/12/2018 12:16

Of course you’re not awful.

I have a son with severe autism and learning disabilities and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish he didn’t have these difficulties, just the same as I’m sure any other parent of any child with other disabilities would. It doesn’t mean I love him any less, or that somehow I feel ashamed of him or anything like that. I love him to the moon and back and am incredibly proud of him but yes, it’s hard for him and us in so many ways.

The media has done a great job of putting a positive spin on autism - and whilst that’s great in many ways, I do think it’s left many people unable to say actually this is really tough!

You’re definitely not alone. Every other parent I know from my sons complex needs school would say the same thing.

JaneAustenFanClub · 30/12/2018 12:20

YANBU. My son has milder difficulties than yours does but if I could wave a magic wand and remove his difficulties I definitely would, and so would DH. I worry about his future, and I also worry about him now and I worry about the impact on our other two children now.

MumW · 30/12/2018 12:22

Of course YANBU to want him to have an easier life. What mother wouldn't.

It doesn't matter whether our DC are NT or not, whenever they are struggling with life or illness we want to wave a magic wand and make it better. Wanting this for him doesn't change the fact that you still love him for who he is or make you a bad person. I think it just shows how much you love him.
Flowers

rarePDA · 30/12/2018 12:25

Of course you aren't.

Of course people can find positive spins but, on the whole, autism makes the lives of those with it more difficult and who would wish that upon a child (or adult).

I was a SENCO for years. You're saying what many have said to me in confidence.

Darkbaptism · 30/12/2018 12:25

YANBU, my so has ASD and with it anxiety- I would take that away if I could as his and all our lives would be so much easier.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 30/12/2018 12:25

YANBU. Also I have a child with milder SN. Would absolutely wave a wand and take them away if I could. In some ways my life has been made richer by the people the deeper friendships I have made with people on a similar path and the much greater understanding of people with behavioural issues has made me more empathetic but for him, my greatest wish would simply be for him to be on a level playing field.

MrsFoxPlus4 · 30/12/2018 12:27

YANBU, growing up with autistic siblings was very very hard. I can’t imagine how it is as a mother, obviously we just cope and get on with things but just like we’d take away a cold or a sickness bug. We would take all our children’s problems fi we could x

Sirzy · 30/12/2018 12:28

Someone has just shared some shit on fb about autism and adhd not being a disability blah blah blah. I had to scroll past quickly before I said something

Spieluhr · 30/12/2018 12:29

YANBU. I have autism and I hate having it even though I can live independently. I don't expect everyone to feel the same way but your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. In my experience it does make like more difficult, much more difficult and not just because of the world being 'designed' for people without autism as some say. It's very much a disability to me, not a mere difference, though that will vary by individual.

Original poster
saffkey1 · 30/12/2018 12:31

This has made me feel alot better.
Its not even maybe about my life being easier,its about his.Not a week goes by that I dont have somebody stare at him or point.I get so angry and just imagine him older,without me.It worries me to death.
Totally correct about the media too @fairylea everyone has to be positive!Well not everything is always positive,some things are shitty and hard.

OP posts:
Sickoffamilydrama · 30/12/2018 12:34

I'm with you on this my DD is high functioning so gets away with being considered quirky by most. I worry so much about her future she's very naive & easily manipulated, she wants to be liked if I could take it away I would.
Your not alone this is the hand we were dealt so 🤷

Original poster
saffkey1 · 30/12/2018 12:34

@sitzy this is why im not on FB I’d probably end up on a charge ha!

OP posts:
Original poster
saffkey1 · 30/12/2018 12:35

@sirzy this is why im not on FB I’d probably end up on a charge ha!

OP posts:
Ouryve · 30/12/2018 12:36

Yanbu. My 12yo is fairly severely autistic and, much as we love him, he is exhausting. We can't even all go out for the long bus rides we used to love because he gets loud and excitable and upsets other passengers. Now he's no longer small a d cute, rather than nods and smiles from sympathetic grannies, we get verbal abuse from grown men. Said grown men might not have banked on my well developed rhino hide but DS1, who is also autistic and highly anxious, can't deal with it at all.

BlimeyCalmDown · 30/12/2018 12:37

I would feel the same xx

Dimsumlosesum · 30/12/2018 12:38

YANBU, op. You are a human being with feelings. No one is ever allowed to feel less than 100% positive about their kids, it's absolutely taboo to feel otherwise but it means it just stays bottled up inside, festering.

Original poster
saffkey1 · 30/12/2018 12:38

I think im feeling hyper annoyed/upset/worried today,i have just had a bad experience at swimming.I have told DH but he just says ‘fuck what people say/think’ but i cant.

OP posts:
danni0509 · 30/12/2018 12:40

YANBU!

My son is 5 and has asd. He has learning difficulties too, he is mentally like a toddler bless him.

I love my son to death and would do anything for him.

But by god it makes life v v hard.

Original poster
saffkey1 · 30/12/2018 12:40

@Ouryve that’s terrible,and i bet it doesn’t get easier with time.I go ballistic if anyone dares to point or be abusive towards my boy.I need to learn to ignore it,but then again why should I.

OP posts:
bookworm14 · 30/12/2018 12:41

YANBU at all. Autism is not always about interesting, quirky ‘neurodiversity’; for many it is a profound disability.

manicinsomniac · 30/12/2018 12:43

Of course you aren't. For most people, if we're honest, having a child with any type of significant disability, is going to be one of our big fears and dreads for our children. It doesn't affect your love for your child to say you wish they didn't have anything that makes their life more difficult, limited or painful.

But I do think it matters where and to who you voice your natural feelings. To people in real life, whose circumstances you know, I think you should be able to be as honest as you want to be. But on an internet forum read by 1000s, many of whom are autistic themselves, I think it's perhaps better not to say it? I'm not sure about that as I know this is supposed to be a place to support parents with parenting rather than to support adults with their own issues. But I have seen autistic individuals very upset by the idea that other people think they would be better off cured or changed.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/12/2018 12:43

I don't think you are ever wrong for how you feel. It is what it is.

It seems like sometimes society would rather put children with disabilities and their carers on pedestals, "what a brave child", "God only gives special children to special people", "you are such a selfless angel" that we don't want to listen to what such people really have to say especially when it's at odds with this narrative.

Colourfullanguage · 30/12/2018 12:44

I absolutely agree. I have several family members with high functioning autism (adults and children). It has massively affected me throughout my life Flowers

posthistoricmonsters · 30/12/2018 12:45

What happened at swimming?

Both of my kids have special needs and both are finally waiting to be assessed for a variety of things.

But it's been so difficult. I love them and my eldest wouldn't be here amazing cool self if it wasn't for her blatant ADHD and probable ASD. But I do wish we could be normal sometimes. I have ADHD and ASD and physical disabilities. It's hard and I just want to be able to kick a ball around the park with my eldest daughter, or watch her playing football without cringing (I won't even explain that one, I don't know if any of her teams parents are on here).