AIBU to think cosleeping leads to bad sleepers?

[Mrsharper88]

The mums I have chatted to who promote cosleeping seem to complain about their children being bad sleepers. This seems to be until their children are at least toddlers if not even older. This leads me to believe that cosleeping makes bad sleep patterns in babies and toddlers, and does not promote sleeping through. Am I wrong?

For context I am currently cosleeping with my 12week old out of necessity as I can't get him to settle any other way. My older child did not need to cosleep but did need rocking to sleep, this was something he grew out of naturally. My understanding is that children don't grow out of the need to cosleep naturally and I am creating bad habits and should persevere with helping baby to sleep on his own

So Aibu to think that cosleeping leads to a bad sleeper?

My kids were both awful sleepers, initially for health reasons. We ended up co-sleeping for years! They always slept better in with me, though my son used to wake ready for the day about 5 am.

Now my dd is almost a teenager and I never see her these days, she sleeps like a log (in her own room!) then likes to chill out up there. My son's still quite cuddly and usually ends up with me during the night but I guess that will stop sometime soon.

Now they're getting older I look back at the dreadful baby/toddler/poor sleep days that used to take up so much of my headspace. My philosophy is very much "enjoy the cuddles while you can/do what you need to get sleep/don't angst over the rights and wrongs of it" because the days come when they become independent of you, and the cosleep cuddles are just a lovely memory.

It depends what you class as a bad sleeper really, doesn't it?

Yes DS1 was in my bed until 2 and didn't sleep 12 hours in a block until he was 2.5, but I was perfectly happy with his sleep and very well rested, unlike most of my NCT group who were permanently exhausted for at least the first if not also the second half of the first year. Their night time parenting duties ended sooner (for most of them) but mine were never particularly taxing in the first place, meaning I wasn't in any kind of rush or urgency to change these sleep habits. I never did sleep training (which sounds awful to go through) and we all got enough sleep.

Of course they grow out of cosleeping naturally, can you imagine a teenager who actually wants to sleep with their parents? There was a definite shift point at about 10 months/a year where DS1 probably could have easily been transitioned out of it too if I'd wanted to be more pushy about it but I chose not to at that time.

Those of you who have/do cosleep how do you maintain a decent life balance? I am struggling with not being able to drink, not having any evening with DP, not being able to sleep in same bed as DP (let alone anything else!), having to sleep uncomfortably on my side, not being able to go away with or without the baby. How do you do it without feeling trapped and miserable?

One of mine was a terrible sleeper and slept in her own bed. My other was a slightly better but still not great sleeper who coslept ( because she fell asleep immediately in our bed).

Both are good sleepers now, although we often wake up with the one who coslept in our bed. At least she doesn't wake us 😂

I co slept because I was an exhausted single parent and breastfeeding.
The DC's have never had any sleep issues and will sleep through a thunderstorm.
I don't think you can create bad habits with babies; I think they are all individuals, and we just have to meet their differing levels and types of need.

We co slept after 6 months (I was in hospital for a month, and DH desperately needed the sleep).
I’ll admit, it’s not always ideal; but I’m baffled as to why so many people want to offer their opinion on it

@Birdsgottafly that's really interesting, where is that research from?

I didn't co sleep with any of my children, we had terrible nights for long time. We did room share till 4-6 months.

If I hadn't co slept with my 2, I would hardly have slept at all. Both slept well next to me but dreadfully in a cot.
At age 2 both went into their own beds and are now brilliant sleepers. 2 was the age they were ready to do that.
My co sleeping times are some of my most special times of their babyhood.It might have seemed a bit difficult at the time but looking back it wasn't really. It was a lovely close time with them that now they are older I now treasure. I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Most parents of a 12wk old baby don’t have a life balance regardless of where they sleep. Are you BFing I found that made me feel more trapped than the co sleeping. If you’re not BF then it doesn’t have to be you in the bed with the baby and you get your space by taking turns with your DP. I guarantee very few mums are getting to spend quality time with their partner or in the evening at this early stage but your baby will sleep for longer stretches on their own as they get older and you will get your time back. This stage is hard but it isn’t forever (it just feels that way).

I think they are much better ways to deal with bad sleepers than co-sleeping. Co-sleeping seems to make a bad situation worse.

Nah. I co slept with both of mine, the first till she was about 3, the second till he was 7 (he stayed longer as no younger sibling I guess!). My main thing was just never to create ructions and stress around bedtime so I would put them to bed in their own beds and if they came in with me later, fine, whatever.

Both gravitated in their own time to their own beds and are wonderful sleepers now, no training or crying required, and once past the night-feed stage I always got a decent kip too. Would 100% do the same if I ever had another baby (which I wont, though).

You’ve either got a good sleeper or bad sleeper. More people with bad sleepers co sleep out of necessity. People with good sleepers just get lucky.

Yes, probably but I coslept with mine, perhaps they would have been bad anyway? The good news is by 5 or 6 they were fine and they still (grown up) like a hug!

I've done a variety co-sleeping / not with my different children. By the time they're 3 - no noticeable difference.

Yes is it not more the other way around? We co slept very early as DS wouldn't sleep any other way. We did reduce the co sleeping as the months went by and he still didn't want to sleep alone. We eventually did CC (prepares to be flamed) and ds still sleeps beautifully at 5.

Or bad sleepers lead to co-sleeping.

We had a lovely cot. DS screamed all the way in it, screamed while in it and didn't stop screaming until he was taken out of it. It ended up as the most expensive laundry basket ever.

We didn't like co-sleeping. We were scared we'd squish him as a teeny tiny and we did not love the Ninja elbow and knee attacks when he was less tiny. But we needed to sleep at least some of the time.

He didn't do a lot of sleeping in our bed. More whiffling around, grabbing a boob when he fancied a nibble and playing with his toes.

But at least he wasn't screaming his head off, driving us and everybody else in the neighbouring flats insane. It is true, Italians love kids. But not so much when they scream like a tortured banshee throughout the night. And at least in our bed he'd stay mostly quietly in one place while DH and I dozed fitfully on the outside edges of the bed through the night.

Well some of it. DS didn't like going to bed before midnight and got bored of his toes by 5am so would explore our faces with poky little fingers until we got up in defeat and made the world more interesting for him again.

We finally got him to spend an entire night in his own bed when he was six.

The older generation on DH's side of the family were all deeply sympathetic and surprised none of their time honoured tricks worked on the Mini Insomniac.

The older generation on my side of the family thought it was hilarious. The word Nemesis was used a lot.

My parents did not co-sleep with me. They just slowly lost the will to live due to extreme sleep deprivation. By the time I was seven they were drugging me with Phenegan on the advice of the family doctor. I still didn't sleep, but at least the hallucinations were interesting enough to keep me in bed and not clattering around my bedroom with all my Cindy and Pippa dolls.

We have one child. We weren't at all keen on the idea of risking another one who'd inherited my insomnia gene.

Dd1 moved into her own bed at 4 to but didn't reliably sleep through until aged 5.5.
Dd2 has slept through from age 2.5 but still chooses to bed share at age 5. Every time we put her in her own bed she wakes multiple times so bedsharing works there.
Ds is still bedsharing and waking at 2.5, but he is down to waking once or twice now - at age 2 he was still waking every 2 hours. He also prefers to bedshare.

They are all individuals. Different things work for different families. I do not think bedsharing leads to poor sleeping though, and don't forget that pretty much all cultures around the world apart from "western" bedshare.

I agree you have cause and effect the wrong way round. Bad sleepers leads people who wouldn't originally have considered it to try co-sleeping. But if it doesn't work for you.... don't do it?

I enjoyed co-sleeping, got more sleep, and now my 18month old sleeps like a rock. I would recommend and do it again!

In response to your specific problems - I would take baby to bed, when asleep (on video monitor) come down and spend few hours with DH, then we'd both go to bed. (We had a big cotbed sidecar onto our double so no issues with space, baby one side of me, DH the other). I'm not a big drinker (unit or two) and side sleep so never had those issues.

But as I say, if its not working for you/your baby, just don't do it. It's not magical, it's just something that works well for some people.

We coslept from 6 to 20 months then DD went into her room straight into her big girl bed. Still we would hop in when needed. Now show is 2.5 years old and apart from the recent dummy fairy visit she sleeps through reliably.

Mrsharper88 I tended to BF baby to sleep and when deeply asleep go downstairs to spend an hour or so with DH. We used a monitor and pillows around the edge of the bed so baby couldn't fall. This was after baby was about 4 -6 months old. This was the time of evening that both mine slept better. It was later on they would wake.I used to have 1 glass of wine sometimes. As I was BFing I never drank very much.
We have a king size bed so there was enough room and I slept comfortably on my back with baby next to me. DH did sometimes go in the spare bedroom though which was actually more comfortable all round. Getting sleep was more important to us than all being in the same bed.
I worked for us.

Those of you who have/do cosleep how do you maintain a decent life balance? I am struggling with not being able to drink, not having any evening with DP, not being able to sleep in same bed as DP (let alone anything else!)

At 12 weeks I think you grit your teeth and know it will get better with time. It's not at all unusual for a 12 weeker to need comfort at night but it won't last for ever. I found my bad sleeper had a period of deep sleep which started about 20 minutes after going to sleep and sometime in the 3-6 month age (can't remember exactly now) could be transferred to his crib next to our bed as long as I waited until he was deeply asleep. This then gave us some evening time. Once DS woke he would be back in bed with us for the night. You will find he's then happy to stay in the crib for longer and might quickly outgrow cosleeping. Even if he doesn't when they're bigger you don't have to worry as much as they're much sturdier.

Like others I co sleep because since the 4 month regression she won't sleep apart from me. I can sometimes sneak her into the cot but she only lasts one 45 sleep cycle. We get way more sleep co sleeping.

It - not I.

I co-sleep because DS is a crap sleeper. Putting him in his own room makes him way worse and I can't deal with prancing back and forth across the landing all night, especially now I'm back at work full time.