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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help: 8 months pregnant husband lied to me

46 replies

fizzywiz · 30/12/2018 09:00

My husband lied to me about where he’d been yesterday. He told me he’d gone to take a book to a friend and that that friend wasn’t in and he’d drop it through the letter box. He was gone most of the afternoon
The next day I found the book in the glove compartment. When I confronted him he said it was a duplicate copy (I know for a face it wasn’t)
I knew this was a lie. Later when we went to bed I asked him where he’d been and he said he’d been to take the book but his friend had let him down and he wasn’t home so he came back home because he was embarrassed to be let down.

He said originally he wasn’t expecting his friend to be in in the first place
I gave him to opportunity to be honest and he continued to lie
He didn’t leave the book in the letterbox. He said he wanted to see him face to face but again this contradicts what he’d said the day before.

I’m 8 months pregnant (due 3.5 weeks) and am really very upset by this. I can’t stop crying. It seems trivial but I didn’t think he was capable of lying to me like this. He has treated me like an idiot in the process lying about his friend being in/not in and about the number of books. He says I’m being silly and unreasonable when I question where he’s been. What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:

Wer2Next · 30/12/2018 09:02

He met up with someone.

Mumtoboy123 · 30/12/2018 09:02

Sorry but that 'embarrased to be let down' story is bollocks. Theres something else here im affraid

Allthewaves · 30/12/2018 09:03

Perhaps he just wanted an afternoon at coffee shop or something alone? Does he get his own space? Is he bit stressed about baby arriving - My own dh was terrified though he only admitted after dc was here

The lie would upset me, prob be more annoyed than anything but if he hasn't shown any other behaviours then perhaps.u need to let this go.

Original poster

fizzywiz · 30/12/2018 09:03

That’s what worries me

OP posts:

Move2WY · 30/12/2018 09:04

Embarrassed to be let down? What does he take you for.

You tell him you’re not an idiot and he chooses to be honest with you, or pack a bag.

gimmeadoughnut123 · 30/12/2018 09:07

I would explain to him that you are a bit upset that he seems to have lied and have a chat. As allthewaves has said, he could be a bit anxious and wanted some time to himself, but not feel comfortable telling you he is anxious, as you are hormonal.

SenoritaViva · 30/12/2018 09:07

His story doesn’t make sense and therefore he’s lying.

He could be seeing someone. But equally he could be needing space, the thought of impending parenthood is daunting, maybe he doesn’t want to admit it to you.

Either way, he owes you the truth.

Singlenotsingle · 30/12/2018 09:07

It's an odd thing to lie about. He obviously didn't go to the friends house, but where did he go? Don't be jpset about him lying, though.. People do it all the time.

gimmeadoughnut123 · 30/12/2018 09:09

How long have you been together? Has he ever done anything to break your trust before?

It does annoy me when everyone on this site jumps to say kick the bloke out he must be cheating. When there are other completely plausible explanations.

Original poster

fizzywiz · 30/12/2018 09:10

Together over six years married 3

OP posts:

IceRebel · 30/12/2018 09:12

When there are other completely plausible explanations.

If there was another plausible explanation then why wouldn't the husband come clean? For example if he was planning a surprise for the OPs birthday / impending baby arrival, he could have said well ok I didn't go to the friends house but it's a surprise and I really don't want to spoil it for you. The continued lying would make me suspicious.

BaeBae · 30/12/2018 09:15

Check his phone.

FrazzyAndFrumpled · 30/12/2018 09:17

It does seem suspicious, I’m afraid. Has anything been said this morning? Does he have form?

gimmeadoughnut123 · 30/12/2018 09:21

Ifthere was another plausible explanation then why wouldn't the husband come clean?

Because he might not want to stress out the OP? I have a friend who was anxious about the arrival of their baby. It took him a while to actually come out with this because he thought that his partner knew what to do regarding every aspect of parenting and he didn't, so was worried about stressing her and admitting to this.

Of course, when he finally spoke about it, she was fine. But be was reluctant to say anything at first and was doing things like going to the gym etc or out on his own for a bit to destress.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 09:28

He's lying. He has changed his story about the book twice, completely pointlessly if he had nothing to hide.

What was does he say he doing for most of the afternoon if his friend was out?

This stinks to high heaven. Sorry.

OliviaStabler · 30/12/2018 09:29

Because he might not want to stress out the OP?

A plausible explanation would not stress the OP though, would it.

ShesABelter · 30/12/2018 09:33

gim and was he lying about those simple things he was doing when he went out alone such as the gym (which helps desetress) and instead of saying be was at the gym making up things like I went to drop off a book to a friend. Whilst you have nice intentions. That story makes no sense. Why would you need to lie about going to the gym cause you are worried about an impending baby. You would just say I'm going to the gym.

AlaskanOilBaron · 30/12/2018 09:45

Sorry, he's lying.

Tell him any reasonable person in your shoes would assume he was doing something illicit unless he can prove otherwise, given that he's squandered several opportunities to be honest.

Really sorry. Please don't let him turn this around like you're being unreasonable.

AlaskanOilBaron · 30/12/2018 09:47

Are you friends with the person who was to receive the book?

AlaskanOilBaron · 30/12/2018 09:48

How long is the round trip to his house?

This doesn't make any sense.

Original poster

fizzywiz · 30/12/2018 09:50

Not really. One of his friends. Hypnobirthing book too 🙄

OP posts:

gimmeadoughnut123 · 30/12/2018 09:51

Whilst you have nice intentions. That story makes no sense. Why would you need to lie about going to the gym cause you are worried about an impending baby. You would just say I'm going to the gym.

What I'm getting at is the friend I mentioned was looking for ways to get time to himself to clear his head. He wasn't fussed about the gym, it was getting out the house and trying to think. Obviously when he spoke to his partner he realised everything was fine. But because she was heavily pregnant, likely hormonal, he probably didn't just want to turn around straight away and say "I'm really nervous about the fact I'm about to have a little person that I am responsible for" in case she took it the wrong way. We don't know the OPs DH, how rational he is, if he would have felt the need to lie about where he was going in case having time to himself somewhere it out of character or not.

Don't read in to the exacts of what I'm saying about the gym.
OP, talk to your DH and explain that lying when you are about to have a baby is the last thing you need. Hopefully it turns out to be something and nothing.

AlaskanOilBaron · 30/12/2018 10:04

It's a naively charitable interpretation to assume that the whole episode is attributable to the stress he's dealing with related to becoming a father.

If he's a nice guy he should understand that lying about it has caused the OP stress and that he needs to come clean, rather than treating her like an idiot for her temerity to demand an explanation.

ThePurpleFairy · 30/12/2018 10:05

Are you sure he didn’t just drive somewhere quiet and actually read the book for a few hours to himself? As others have said, he could just be feeling overwhelmed and under pressure, as at this stage (and rightly so) there will be a lot of attention and support required for you - people often forget that the expectant father is terrified at the prospect of now being responsible for the safety and happiness of both a lovely wife and beautiful baby. He likely doesn’t want to worry or feel like a burden to you.

I agree his story stinks, but to me, the fact there was actually a book in the glove box means he hasn’t just pulled some story out of his arse in covering up meeting somebody else (and if he had pre planned an excuse I would like to think it would be a better one or he would have actually ditched the book!)

Just sit down together and explain the way you feel, that you know something is off about his story, that this isn’t normal behaviour for him, that you’re worried about him and that it is important he talk to you about it no matter what it is.

IceRebel · 30/12/2018 10:08

A plausible explanation would not stress the OP though, would it.

Exactly Olivia the fact the husband would rather keep telling versions of the book story speaks volumes. If there was a plausible reason; even if it was a surprise for the OP, he should have come clean when the OP asked. The fact the Op has repeatedly asked him, and is upset, but he is still trying to peddle the book story and calling her silly shows him for what he is.

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