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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wrestle with guilty feelings at family pressure to look after DF- Soz Long Post

26 replies

deedeegee · 29/12/2018 23:24

DF has Alzheimer's and has had for three or so years. He can do personal care, but is frail and his short term memory is shot. His DP has been with him for 25 years- my DM died 37 years ago. She has lived with him, both of them eschewing marriage because of their own children and inheritance complications. She has rented out her flat since then, but refuses to move back in as she needs the money, apparently.They had many and frequent holidays abroad every year and DF treated DP as a defacto wife.

DF's DP had an abusive and bizarre childhood followed by an early marriage to a wastrel, alcoholic and womaniser, sadly having 3 children die at various ages.

After her divorce she hooked up with DF and things went well for many years. She is now very conflicted, as she can't come to terms with his illness as she obvs resents DF for his illness and thinks that despite his diagnosis he is 'putting it on'. DF is very easy to manage once you distract him from the constant repetition.

Both she and my DB have more or less said that I should be involved on a daily basis, despite there being care for 2x2 hours and 2x6 hours a week plus my half day at weekends. DF's DP has refused daily social care to help with DF's frailty, my offers of doing the heavy shopping or getting in more cleaning support.

I am due to retire in a few weeks, going on holiday then shortly moving house after which I intend looking for a part time job, but... DF's DP has been very short with me and has exploded at me for not doing more. I have power of attorney and deal with all the financials, insurance, bank, utilities etc having relinquished dealing with the care aspects as I have been the butt of both DB and DF's DP ire for not getting things done quickly enough via social work.

AIBU to feel guilty when in my heart of hearts I know that I have done/am doing a lot, especially when DF has said he wants me to lead my own life...?

OP posts:
2isur2isubicurtis4me · 29/12/2018 23:59

I think we need to know how much help your brother is given, given his generous volunteering of your time.
But no you are not unreasonable and it is natural to feel guilty but it is not
Your job and if his DP can't cope they need to organise more paid for care.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/12/2018 00:06

So...
No you should not do more than you want to... You're his poa, NOT a slave/unpaid carer...

Sexism in action... Presumably no one is putting pressure on your sibling with a penis??

CanuckBC · 30/12/2018 00:11

No, you do not need to give up your life for your DF. He can get in more carers if needs. Just because his DP doesn’t want it shouldn’t matter if that is what needed. Whose house is it? His?

Why is his DL against more carers??

Is DB helping at all, if not why?!?

scaryteacher · 30/12/2018 00:26

YANBU, and don't let them get at you. We had hell on wheels with my mil cancelling care for my dfil, as it didn't suit her to have them in. we had to use POA to put our collective feet down, with the result of a family rift before he died, her threatening us with legal action after he died, and us all being NC since 2012/13.

if care is available and your df can afford it, then they should use it.

Have you thought about moving many miles away? It does help!

frazzledasarock · 30/12/2018 00:35

Another nope.

Caring for an adult with limited capacity is bloody hard. How dare your brother and df’s Partner demand it of you.

If they want to do it, they can. They’ve no right to expect or force you to do it whilst they sit back.

Don’t feel guilty.

Weenurse · 30/12/2018 00:38

How much is DB doing?

Reflexella · 30/12/2018 00:40

I think it’s time to draw a rota and they both either chip in or piss off with their expectations.

Are their motivations based on safeguarding inheritance at your expense?

GooseberryJam · 30/12/2018 00:45

Do you have health and welfare power of attorney as well as legal? If so, overrule the partner and speak to social services directly about accepting the daily care visits. Be brave and tell your brother and partner to butt out since they aren't interested in helping themselves - you have POA and it's right for you to make the best decisions for your dad now he's not capable. (I am in this position with my dad too.) Put your dad's interests and your own first, the other people's come way down the list.

curlykaren · 30/12/2018 00:50

So the partner doesn't want help/carers from SS but doesn't mind if you do it? Utter nonsense, please don't feel guilty for not agreeing to this madness.

VimFuego101 · 30/12/2018 01:38

If the option of caters is there and she has turned it down, she doesn't get to ask you to it instead.

HighlandSh0rtbread2 · 30/12/2018 07:22

If you didn't live close, you would not be available to help out. I would point them towards paying for more care

countrygirl99 · 30/12/2018 07:28

Head over to the Elderly Parents board. Masses of experience and support there for anyone wrangling olds.

Tweakanddashi · 30/12/2018 08:05

It's ridiculous to say that you should be an unpaid carer while saying no to paid carers. I know a lot about family pressure to become a carer and I can really sympathise. I've given up work to help my mum support my dad and my brother has not had a single day off work. Despite this I am usually in the wrong for not doing enough.

My DB "can't afford" to take a day off as he is self employed. I'm on unpaid carer's leave and there is no recognition in the family that this would have any financial impact.

You are already doing loads.

mogtheexcellent · 30/12/2018 08:12

I think we need to know how much help your brother is given, given his generous volunteering of your time.

this

Also would your fathers partner expect him to look after her if the roles were reversed? She sounds very selfish.

Sarahjconnor · 30/12/2018 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trojanpony · 30/12/2018 08:56

So you are doing over 20 hours a week (I.e. a part time job)

What exactly is your brother doing?

Also when you say she won’t move out as she needs the rental money from her flat - what is her plan when your father needs full time care and the house must be sold???

Original poster
deedeegee · 30/12/2018 09:00

Very grateful for all your support and advice.

DB lives 400 miles away and used to visit infrequently until say last 12 months- now monthly for weekends.

Snag is we ie DB & I -have joint POA for legal and welfare & he sides with the DP who admittedly is old as well as DF and screwed up psychologically. Neither seem to be able to put themselves in DF’s shoes who is very aware of his condition but has come to terms with dignity and resignation. He is profusely and pathetucally grateful each time I take him out. Makes my heart bleed...

So I can’t impose my will, nor can I insist on the daily 15 mins of care coming in to get DF used to it before he’s too far gone.

Both DB and DP receive money from DF- I don’t-DB to mitigate travel expenses, which he uses for everyday living as it’s excess to requirements- he’s single, no family and earns ~£50k. DP receives the equivalent of the Attendance allowance as she complained of not having money- she has OAP pension and her retail income. When mooted she accepted with alacrity and then told her friends and family that she was the ‘hired help’! Think she suffers from a mix of ‘poor me’ and attention seeking behaviour.
As for the inheritance DB thinks we should rewrite the will- DF does not have capacity- as DB wants it spilt 3 ways! He has no children & I have a daughter so am not agreeing to that. DP is getting money in the will, but the estate is small as badlyadvised DF did equity release on his house , so nothing much will be left...

Hop this puts things into context better

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 30/12/2018 09:31

You need to resist and ensure that your whole existence isn't swallowed by unreasonable demands from DB and your DF's DP.

The most successful strategy I have seen is taking the DP to the GP for support; anti-depressants can be very useful to carry people through caring for Alzheimer's.

Changing the Will is absolutely off limits imo, although it might be worth talking to your DF about a living will. Sorry, it's not pleasant to think of, but may be really worthwhile.

Last thing I'd do is put my foot down hard on the putting care workers in place so you DF can get used to them. Just do it. It's your DF's house and you are his daughter, and you have every reason to put his needs (and yours) above the complaints and convenience of either his DP or your DB. If she doesn't like it, she can move back to her house and you can redirect her carer's £. She sounds like she can do sums just fine, so I'd be surprised if she went.

You sound like you are doing a stand-up job and your family are fortunate that you are. Don't let them take any further advantage. It's so difficult; be kind to yourself because nobody else will be able to prioritize that. Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 30/12/2018 09:46

My own DF is at a very similar stage of dementia and my great sympathies to you, it’s awful. My DM has also been resistant to outside help although she doesn’t demand anything of us. She did finally accept a claim for AA ( I’m not clear if you have claimed this or whether the DP is given this from his own funds?)

If you haven’t claimed AA please do. There is a minimum of six months delay now as there is apparently always the chance the person will ‘recover’ Hmm. When mum did eventually get the money she did, for the first time, hire a cleaner and more recently has used the cleaner ( who is expand experience) to leave dad with while she goes out for a while.

So although it’s frustrating and slow my DM is doing it her own way which I feel we have to be respectful of. She literally doesn’t know what she needs most of the time other than for dad to be well.

In your place I would continue as you are, as he declines you will have to be more involved in all likelihood unfortunately. His DP isn’t going to change. AgeUK are really helpful and might be able to assist with helping her accept more outside help.

Sorry, that’s not even helpful but I do empathise.

Original poster
deedeegee · 30/12/2018 13:12

Thanks all... AA has been claimed/received &local carers’ Support group have offered daily telephone support but DP refused as reminds her of the AL Anon support she had for alcoholic ex husband...Alzheimer Scotland’s involved but think DP feels trapped by conflicted feelings of guilt, resentment and duty....she has seen GP re depression but I’m getting to the stage where my sympathy is running out as she won’t take the help being offered & then blames me...don’t think she knows what she wants...

Feel like I am family whipping boy in all this as brother is supposed to be arranging the care& weekend respite but hasn’t.....

Feels like a no win situation...Confused

Now after family meal I had in order to give DF favourite foods as he doesn’t eat well/ much- have aunt on my case saying she’s v worried about DP & wants to meet to discuss it...
That means she’ll be instructing me to do more— bossy ex primary teacher who thinks I’m still 7!! argh!!

OP posts:
B00kedEarly8 · 30/12/2018 17:15

Other people can complain and ask you to do more. The fact is that you CAN say NO to doing more. If you a part time job, run your own house and 20 hours of care, you won't have the time to do any more. I would stick to your plans

Maelstrop · 30/12/2018 17:24

Decide what level of help you are prepared to give and stick with it. You may have to override the dp's wishes, she is not next of kin. She clearly has issues but these should not affect your df's care as this is obviously unfair.

rookiemere · 30/12/2018 17:24

Oh FFS I am exasperated by the DP even reading your few posts.

Your DF has been offered care - that means he definitely needs it as in this day and age it's in short supply.

You're already doing far too much - you're going to end up ill if you keep on doing all that . I'd call her bluff and tell her that unless she accepts the external help you're going to cut right back on what you provide. Presumably the additional help would give her a bit of respite as well although if you're providing 20hrs per week and DB is doing a weekend per month doesn't seem like she needs much more.

MrsFezziwig · 30/12/2018 17:51

If your father has lost capacity then his will cannot be changed or rewritten. The only way it can be changed would be after his death and if all beneficiaries were in agreement (which clearly won't be the case here). Presumably if DP has her own assets then your DF's intentions that only his children should inherit are clear and perfectly reasonable. Why is your brother siding with DP?

In addition, Attendance Allowance is paid to a person (your father) to use to pay towards care needs. Admittedly it's a pittance but if if your father's partner is taking it then the presumption is that she will either help to fulfil these care needs or buy them in. She doesn't just get to pocket it!

I would continue to do what you feel is reasonable. I've both been in and seen this situation, and generally those who pontificate the most are the ones who do the least.

Original poster
deedeegee · 30/12/2018 18:31

Yep- you’re right. Annoying aunt said I should be providing 2 weeks respite for DP who last night at family meal said to aunt that she felt no one cares... give me strength!

Am going on hols to celebrate retirement in a couple of weeks and aunt said, who is going to step into breach to help DP, then...!!!!! Care provision is currently 16 hours per week with hours banked also available which DB is supposed to be accessing for DP. ... he’s not really talking to me since he thinks I should be round there every day as well as the rest of the family- apart from DF, who is a sweetheart, really ... compared to the rest of the swines...!!

OP posts:
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