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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH was really out of order?

45 replies

Pernickity1 · 29/12/2018 22:49

We have two DDs (aged 1 and 2). They’ve been ill all week (eldest not quite recovered from vomiting bug and both have colds/runny noses) so they haven’t slept well and woke up a little cranky this morning.

I got them up, changed and was sorting out their breakfast. DH was getting them into high chairs/putting on bibs etc. they were both crying and whining so it was quite a stressful noisy morning. I handed him a bowl of porridge to feed the baby. She’s a notoriously fussy eater and is always trying to hit the spoon away and is admittedly a bit of a pain to feed but he doesn’t do it too often. He gave her a plastic spoon to play with to keep her hands occupied and I didn’t quite see what she was doing but I think she was trying to hit his spoon with her spoon so he took it off her (he wasn’t rough but his face was livid) and promptly threw it across the room in anger.

Our two year old looked at me shocked. I told him calmly to get away from my child with his aggression and told him to walk away from the table if he couldn’t handle it. He said nothing kept trying to feed her, she wasn’t interested and he was flustered. I was acutely aware of My toddler watching my reaction so I didn’t want to get angry with him and just told him to get her some fruit so he did.

He left shortly after breakfast without saying a word and I assume went to his dads who lives close by. He came back in the afternoon and asked if I wanted to go to the supermarket and he’d watch the kids (eldest was napping anyway). I said ok and I went, was less than an hour. We still hadn’t discussed what happened at breakfast.

When I got home I asked him to peel veg for dinner. He huffed a bit (?!) but did it and then he walked down the hall and into our bedroom where he stayed for 3.5 hours. I had to go in to get my charger at one stage and he was just lying across the bed asleep.

He heard me trying to get dinner ready while trying to look after two poorly children all afternoon and he just stayed in bed? The youngest was hysterical a couple of times when I was changing her as she has a really sore nappy rash. My eldest was having multiple tantrums, the dog was barking out the window at our neighbours and yet he stayed in bed only getting up when I put the baby down for the night.

AIBU to think this was horrendously selfish?

OP posts:

Original poster

Pernickity1 · 29/12/2018 22:54

Sorry that was quite a bit longer than I intended!

OP posts:

Frosty66611 · 29/12/2018 22:55

It all sounds very stressful. If he’s never normally like this and usually kind and helpful then could there be something else going on with him at the moment? Stress at work or something? Not saying it’s an excuse but no one is perfect and he might be close to breaking point. Does he have anyone other than you he can vent to about things?
Can you try and have a calm conversation with him where you make it clear that you would have hoped for more help today and does he need to talk to you about anything?

Thehop · 29/12/2018 22:57

He sounds a nob but couldn’t you have called to him to help?

Original poster

Pernickity1 · 29/12/2018 23:01

The only reason I didn’t call to him to help is because I’m sick to death of having to “nag” him to do anything with the children/around the house.

He would have been well aware I wanted him to help but I felt like he was deliberately not helping and sulking with me - which makes no sense to me since it was him who had a tantrum this morning? Why “punish” me?

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CripsSandwiches · 29/12/2018 23:01

Like a PP I would wonder whether he's normally helpful and this is just a one off. I would be annoyed to be left alone with two sick toddlers without warning. Those are the kind of stressful days where Dh and I would do most of the day together and then tag team a little bit to give each other a break. Just taking himself off would be annoying. Perhaps though he's especially stressed at the moment? I would still have expected at least a word of explanation though.

Original poster

Pernickity1 · 29/12/2018 23:03

Sadly Frosty66611 he does have form for doing the bare minimum with the children. Throwing things though - that was a first. I didn’t like it one bit...

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FuckingYuleLog · 29/12/2018 23:03

I’d be more concerned about the aggression than him being a lazy sod tbh (but both are u). I imagine he thought he deserved the rest after having them both on his own for under an hour.
Although I wouldn’t have been keen to leave them with him at all tbh after him throwing stuff. Has he done anything like that before?

Original poster

Pernickity1 · 29/12/2018 23:08

Yes the aggression has me concerned FuckingYuleLog. He’s never done that before. He’s lovely to the DC when they’re happy/compliant but gets very impatient when they’re being difficult/defiant.

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AnyOldPrion · 29/12/2018 23:10

He doesn’t like helping with the children, especially when it’s difficult and he’s acting up so you don’t ask him again.

It’s an escalation from simple laziness to a more abusive behaviour pattern.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/12/2018 23:22

He's a prick, and it's going to get worse. Sorry. He thinks that dealing with the children is your job, and he's only obliged to engage with them when they are happy and obedient (and even giving a cheerful, compliant baby some food is a heroic task for which he deserves praised and probably blowjobs).

It would be a good idea to put together all the information about how you would cope if you ended the relationship ie finances, housing etc. You don't have to act on it yet but it's worth having. It won't be good for you or the kids to live in a situation where you are desperately trying to teach them to Not Upset Daddy or stuff will get thrown around and people will be shouted at or hurt.

paintinmyhairAgain · 29/12/2018 23:24

i would find this difficult to live with tbh, you have 3 dc. being a part time disney dad really isn't good enough. you really need to talk about this, would he visit his gp ? ultimately do you see a long term future together if he won't help himself or engage more with you and the dc ?

Original poster

Pernickity1 · 29/12/2018 23:24

It’s an escalation from simple laziness to a more abusive behaviour pattern.

That’s quite a worrying thing to read. What do I do?

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Original poster

Pernickity1 · 29/12/2018 23:31

He definitely thinks it’s my job ReanimatedSGB there’s no doubt about that. It doesn’t help that I’ve been a SAHM since DD1 was born (DD2 was NOT planned). I’ve tried having conversations with him about this and he does improve but theres no consistency. He does have good points but I think when it comes to the division of labour he’ll always see childcare and housework as “women’s work” even if he wouldn’t dare say it out loud. His parents had very traditional gender roles.

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whiteworld · 29/12/2018 23:36

God. He’s a useless lazy nasty twat. He’s no parent to your dc, he has no self awareness. You’d be better off on your own.

beansontoastfortea · 29/12/2018 23:40

My partner does the sulking in bed thing and it pisses me off something chronic!! Leaving me with 3 kids to deal with while he sulks in bed and then gets up when I'm putting the youngest one down... I would categorically not get away with doing this.

I'm sorry I've got no advice for you but I know the hurtful feeling you feel when he does that to you

Good for you telling him to back off when he got aggressive

Original poster

Pernickity1 · 29/12/2018 23:50

I wouldn’t get away with it either beans. That’s why I’ve been seething all evening. It’s like he feels he can just check out of parenting whenever he feels like it. It’s someone else’s problem. I think he’s so entitled in that sense.

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AnyOldPrion · 29/12/2018 23:54

I’m not the best person to ask. It’s taken twenty years for me to recognise the abusive behaviour patterns for what they are and now I’m stuck.

Others may be able to advise what helped them. I’ve seen the freedom programme recommended on here. I’ve also read (most of) Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

The relationships board might be a good place to start. Maybe the thread could be moved. There are loads of fabulous women here and I’ve often wished Mumsnet had been around twenty years ago.

robynadair · 30/12/2018 00:01

Please don't take this the wrong way but you said 'get away from my child' not ' our child'. Was this a one off rather careless statement or a reflection of a dynamic being played out and rather than being selfish and thoughtless he just feels excluded, isolated and frustrated. No excuse for poor behaviour but could be where it stems from,

AnyOldPrion · 30/12/2018 00:04

Suggesting he showed aggression when dealing with his baby because he feels excluded is the epitome of making excuses for him.

An adult would communicate with his partner and remove himself from the situation.

posthistoricmonsters · 30/12/2018 00:08

I spent 2 1/2 years with an awful, abusive, gaslighting, narcissist who I had to try stop three kids of varying ages from upsetting. It was awful. The eggshells. The hiding. The abuse escalated. It started very casually and within moments of being on the scene, I was expected to look after his child, he didn't go any proper parenting ever. I should have seen the signs.

Saltandsauce · 30/12/2018 00:18

I think he was pissed off because of the way you spoke to him in front of the kids. He was frustrated and as you said he wasn’t aggressive towards the baby, he chucked a plastic spoon away, not at anyone, just away. And you said ‘get away from my child’. I’d have been livid at you.
He shouldn’t have checked out for that long no, but as parents you need to be on the same page, the kids are both of yours. You need to learn to communicate better, actually talk to each other.

I realise I’m being devils advocate and totally against the mumsnet norm of calling him every name under the sun, but I think you’re completely exaggerating the situation. If he’s a shit dad and a shit husband, leave. If there’s a few things you don’t like, speak to him about it, I bet there’s things about you he doesn’t like too.

pineapplebryanbrown · 30/12/2018 00:20

Although it is wrong i think some men find the baby stage boring and opt out because they can. They can be much better parents when the children are more interesting. I know it's not fair and it's shit of him but maybe he'll be less of a dick when the children aren't so little.

FuckingYuleLog · 30/12/2018 00:25

Whether he chucked the spoon at anyone or not, being aggressive because an ill baby won’t eat isn’t on.
Kids can be frustrating at times but adults need to be able to remove themselves before they get to the lashing out stage. Since he didn’t do that and was scaring their older child the op was well within her rights to ask him to leave.
He would be better placed adreessing his anger issues rather than sulking.

KnightlyMyMan · 30/12/2018 00:31

Why not take yourself off to bed tomorrow - say you’re feeling unwell and as he had tonight off to nap - it’s your turn and you are not to be disturbed!

See how he likes that!

HirooOnoda · 30/12/2018 00:35

It sounds like you have two small children and was a fairly run of the mill scenario for such a stressful time. You are likely both short of sleep and more sensitive to such things, I wouldn’t overthink it if this was a little out of character - everyone is allowed a bad day once in a while

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