To think DH was really out of order?

[Pernickity1]

We have two DDs (aged 1 and 2). They’ve been ill all week (eldest not quite recovered from vomiting bug and both have colds/runny noses) so they haven’t slept well and woke up a little cranky this morning.

I got them up, changed and was sorting out their breakfast. DH was getting them into high chairs/putting on bibs etc. they were both crying and whining so it was quite a stressful noisy morning. I handed him a bowl of porridge to feed the baby. She’s a notoriously fussy eater and is always trying to hit the spoon away and is admittedly a bit of a pain to feed but he doesn’t do it too often. He gave her a plastic spoon to play with to keep her hands occupied and I didn’t quite see what she was doing but I think she was trying to hit his spoon with her spoon so he took it off her (he wasn’t rough but his face was livid) and promptly threw it across the room in anger.

Our two year old looked at me shocked. I told him calmly to get away from my child with his aggression and told him to walk away from the table if he couldn’t handle it. He said nothing kept trying to feed her, she wasn’t interested and he was flustered. I was acutely aware of My toddler watching my reaction so I didn’t want to get angry with him and just told him to get her some fruit so he did.

He left shortly after breakfast without saying a word and I assume went to his dads who lives close by. He came back in the afternoon and asked if I wanted to go to the supermarket and he’d watch the kids (eldest was napping anyway). I said ok and I went, was less than an hour. We still hadn’t discussed what happened at breakfast.

When I got home I asked him to peel veg for dinner. He huffed a bit (?!) but did it and then he walked down the hall and into our bedroom where he stayed for 3.5 hours. I had to go in to get my charger at one stage and he was just lying across the bed asleep.

He heard me trying to get dinner ready while trying to look after two poorly children all afternoon and he just stayed in bed? The youngest was hysterical a couple of times when I was changing her as she has a really sore nappy rash. My eldest was having multiple tantrums, the dog was barking out the window at our neighbours and yet he stayed in bed only getting up when I put the baby down for the night.

AIBU to think this was horrendously selfish?

Yes it was horrendously selfish. But from what you've said he clearly thinks it's horrendously selfish of you to expect him to look after his own children. I think you should tell him exactly how you feel. That he's lazy, entitled, immature, sexist and actually not a good father, because he only wants the good bits. Say that you find his sulking and moods deeply unattractive, and if you'd known this was his personality at the outset you'd never have stayed with him.

I winced at the "get away from my child bit too". That was pretty out of order.

Although it is wrong i think some men find the baby stage boring and opt out because they can. They can be much better parents when the children are more interesting. I know it's not fair and it's shit of him but maybe he'll be less of a dick when the children aren't so little.

Well it's a bloody good job most women don't feel like that or the children would be in a pretty bad place, no?

If he's a dick now, he'll be a dick later. And even if he wasn't, who can respect or love a man who treats a poorly one year-old like that?

It’s an escalation from simple laziness to a more abusive behaviour pattern.

Abusive behaviour pattern? He threw a plastic spoon because the baby was playing up. Come on, we all know how exhausting little children can be.

He sounds stressed, you sound stressed. I would have shouted at him to get up and help you, not let him sleep for 3 hours.

I also agree that saying 'get away from my child' was out order.

robynadair you might be right. There has been times where I feel territorial of the children when he gets irritable with them and it probably does come across like I see them as “mine” rather than ours. I should say though this has only happened a few of times, if I think he’s being too harsh on them or if I feel his behavior is escalating a situation unnecessarily. Generally I dont undermine him if he’s disciplining but sometimes it’s so hard not to when he makes things so much worse.

For example In the last couple of weeks DD1 has been a bit “defiant” towards him and showing a preference towards me (like all toddlers this changes like the wind!) he takes this personally and is blaming me saying she’s getting her “attitude” towards him from me. I’ve explained to him that she’s only two and it’s normal to push boundaries but he can’t handle it. He says things like “I’m your father, you will listen to me and do as I tell you” and he argues back and forth with her as she gets more and more wound up, like he has to have the last word.

I do discuss with him better ways to discipline and try to get us on the same page but it’s like he wants to be “obeyed” and adored by her and isn’t willing to put in the hard work to build their relationship. I don’t know... maybe I have been micromanaging and he feels excluded? I think I’ve just gotten so used to doing it all.

nicenewdusters how have you gotten inside my brain? I’ve said this exact speech inside my head many times...

Maybe the advantage of being on the outside looking in....plus being a parent myself, and having seen this attitude in many men, friends partners, relatives etc. Maybe time to have that conversation out loud ? But only if you feel safe to do so and in the knowledge that it may change everything but not for the better.

I wrote a long response, OP, but my phone lost it.

The essence was; I’ve been with my DH 20+ years - we’ve had tense times, but he has never, ever , had a view of ‘man’s work’ versus wife work.

Your posting style indicates that you are a bright, intelligent woman. Only you will know if your DH is worthy of your respect.❤️

Well look at the plus side - DH has had a nice nap today which makes him more suitable to get up in the night/ wake up early with your DC. Something you can remind him off when one of them needs a cuddle or a feed.

Thank you bbcessex.

I think that’s the crux of the issue really. I feel so frustrated and upset with myself that I’ve ended up in a relationship with someone who is inherently sexist and I’m even more annoyed with myself that I didn’t see it before I brought children into the situation. Thinking back there were subtle signs but it really didn’t become apparent until I was pregnant.

I think I’m going to have to do some soul searching.

That’s a tough realisation, Pernickety.

It’s not necessarily an irreparable situation.. if you can get through to your DH how precarious your situation is, he may make steps to mature.

If he doesn’t or can’t - I guess the decision is yours. Don’t ever settle for someone who doesn’t match you in respect and values though, OP. Happiness does not lie there 🙁❤️🙁

I think you are too.

If it were me I’d be getting my two girls out of that environment asap. YES, it’s difficult to admit to friends and family that you got it wrong, but better that than subject your girls to growing up in a house with him.

He is horrible to/about you and only ok with them when they’re adoring daddy.

I know it’s not what you wanted from life and it’s not easy, but leaving him is the lesser two evils.

NOTHING out say will change his attitude to women.

Are they his children? You keep referring to them as ‘my’.

So sorry, I have just read your updates. It is more than clean that he is the father of the children so please excuse my ignorance. I really don’t have any advice, just huge wishes that things work out best for you and your children.

Well when my DH used to use the 'MY child' card I too left him to deal with HIS child alone. They can't be just your child when you want it and then two hours later be his as well when you want a helping hand.

What you are saying is that you can't trust your partner to look after your kids because he is aggressive
All the 'is he lazy, it's not fair' etc is secondary, he's an arse and you know it. You didn't ask for his help because he would be grumpy or worse. You might be better on your own, time for a serious talk

How awful for you and your DC. Throwing a spoon is aggressive and childish behaviour. We all have times where we get frustrated but most people are mature enough to count to 10 and take a deep breath! I think you need to speak to him and tell him that opting out of looking after his children isn’t an option and that if he does it again you will leave.

He's sexist and aggressive
Do you want to stay with him? Your children will notice how he treats you all and think its ok

Well you need to have a proper sit down discussion for a start.

Break it down. He got frustrated and threw the spoon - not great, he needs to learn to cope bit better but many parents have been there.

You then reprimanded him. I'm guessing resulted in him feeling useless and even more cross so he left. Then he did huge manchild sulk in the bedroom.

I wouldnt have let him laze around in the bedroom. I would have gone in and handed him one of the kids.

@Pernickity1 you sound like a lovely mum undergoing a stressful time. The good times with two such young children are fabulous, but a lot of it is exhausting. As others have said (and it's easy to advise on the outside looking in) best thing is to sit down and have a good talk with him. Ideally with someone looking after the children for an hour or two so there are no distractions and when you're not both too tired. Not sure if the lack of tiredness is feasible! At the end of the day, you will know in your heart of hearts, the best way forward for all of you. Wishing you the best