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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interfering mother in law!!

32 replies

Dragonfly8c · 29/12/2018 22:26

Hey,
Trying to work out if I'm going insane or not lol!!!

So the back story.... I got with my partner 6 years ago after his marriage failed and so did mine, we both had 2 kids each to our ex's.
We found out we were expecting pretty early on and progressed to have another, so 6 in total.

My OH is the Apple of his mummys eye!! Her baby boy, the problem starts that she is still with his ex wife everyday.
I DO NOT have any problem with this and never have had, they can do as they please.
The OH mum did everything possible to cause trouble between me and his ex but I never rose to it. I respected her as the mother of his children and never bad mouthed her despite what was said about me...
Things have progressed and me and his ex now talk and she is welcome in our home anytime.
I feel his mum hates this as she is still always trying to cause trouble, she is with the ex 24/7 and doesnt come to see our kids unless the ex is with her.

Her new tactic that I am losing my mind over is....... as soon as his mother walks in she turns to our kids, aged 5 and 2 and says repeatedly.... ' go and give AUNTIE a cuddle'
Sorry but eeeehhhh????
Should my kids be calling their dads ex an auntie cause his mother says so, with no discussion with us 1st, we aren't close friends, just talk for the kids sake.

His mum is desperate to have him and her back together in her perfect little world!!!

What should I do??? Am i over reacting?? Or do I lose my cool and blow it all up??

Tia

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 29/12/2018 22:29

Just turn quietly, calmly and politely and say “Mil, the children won’t be calling X Auntie, please don’t ask them to. They call her by her name”

Thehop · 29/12/2018 22:32

As nona grey said. Stay calm and correct her.

3boysandabump · 29/12/2018 22:42

I called my dads ex wife Auntie her name. She was also my childminder.

But if you aren't happy with it next time she says it just say no she's not auntie she's just xyz

Moussemoose · 29/12/2018 22:45

Some people think auntie is more respectful than using an adults name.

CardsforKittens · 29/12/2018 22:47

Can you talk to the ex about it? I think if she's reasonably sympathetic she'll be well placed to back you up and put a stop to it. Your partner could also have a word with his mum.

BertrandRussell · 29/12/2018 22:49

Lots of children call all the non related adults in their lives Auntie or Uncle. I don’t care for it personally, but if it’s how another family does it, then i’d go along with it.

And your children' all having good relationships with their sibling’s mother is a fantastic thing.

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/12/2018 22:58

it's not so long ago that "auntie" was used as an honorific for female friends - using the person's first name on its own was considered rude if they were older than you, and "auntie Sophie" is not as formal as "Mrs Smith".

I've dropped the "auntie" for my parents' friends, but their adult children still refer to my parents as auntie and uncle.

CemetaryGates · 29/12/2018 23:07

I find it really rude when people tell a child to give a physical display of affection to another adult. They aren't puppets.

NonaGrey · 29/12/2018 23:09

There’s nothing wrong with called a family friend “Auntie”, but the OP doesn’t want to.

The children can call this women by her name perfectly respectfully.

Original poster
Dragonfly8c · 29/12/2018 23:15

Thanks all, the MIL doesnt ask them to call anyone else auntie so it's not a family thing, it's just his ex wife that she is desperate to get into my girls lives.

I suffer with MH issues which is why I was asking in the first place but knowing how the MIL works I wouldn't put it past her at all to be getting her as cope to my kids as humanly possible in the hope my OH will go back to her and take the kids.

MIL also said 2 days before Xmas to my 5 yr old that she could go to his ex's on Xmas morning to open presents with her, the ex, my OH and thier brothers!!! But not me as i had my older kids....... see the picture now?? Anything to cast me out and she is all over it but she is going through the kids to do it.

OH will not have a word wrong said about the scheming woman and always the same reply... She just doesn't think before she speaks.... personally I believe she knows exactly what She is doing!!!

OP posts:
ShinyPinkLipgloss · 29/12/2018 23:33

I’d call her out on it. Calm but clear statements such as, “It’s not appropriate for the children to spend Christmas morning at Xyz’s home” . Or the classic “that doesn’t work for me” to all her loon ball suggestions.

However under no circumstances get angry/ lose your cool. You’d be playing right into her hands.

Maelstrop · 29/12/2018 23:46

Lots of calm 'That's not appropriate and you know it '. Nice and assertive and works in so many situations. 'Auntie ex's name'. Now, mil, that's not appropriate, they're going to call her 'name'. If she persists, stop her and stare at her, repeat 'That's not appropriate, we will do-appropriate way of doing stuff'- as desired. Basically, stand up for yourself and stop allowing her to call the shots when it comes to YOUR children.

Original poster
Dragonfly8c · 30/12/2018 01:20

Thamks for all your advice.
My only problem is I don't want the ex to feel uncomfortable as she is ok really but goes along with everythig MIL says to avoid confrontation.
The last thing I want is for her to feel more awkward than she must do already.

I was told that the first time it happened and she called her auntie to the kids was my eldest daughters birthday party, so all my family was here and I invited them ( MIL and ex out of politeness)
My SIL said the ex felt like the world is swallowed her up as all my family was there.
I know she is doing it just to get to me and I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing she is getting to me but I can't say anything as she is always with the ex and as i said I don't want bad feelings between me and his ex as we are friendly and civil now for the kids.

Feel like I'm in a no win situation but driving myself mad in the meantime thinking im over reacting xx

OP posts:
WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 30/12/2018 01:38

Are you able to get the ex alone for a bit and have a talk with her? Maybe a phone call? It must be rough for her to be stuck in the middle like this. She might well be feeling as uncomfortable as you are.

This shouldn't be for you to deal with alone, unfortunately it appears you are the only one with balls as big as your MIL. In your shoes I'd be mighty unimpressed with your OH right now. Has he even acknowledged the situation ?

Original poster
Dragonfly8c · 30/12/2018 02:11

Now..... I wish, just pretends he hasn't heard it.
We had one of his boys stay over and even he has started saying it now to his sister's and it still wasnt acknowledged arrrggghhh x

OP posts:
aconcertpianist · 30/12/2018 02:12

He won't be going back to her. Remember he divorced her and married you and you have two children with him so, even if your MiL did hope that, it won't happen.

Just ignore it.

Original poster
Dragonfly8c · 30/12/2018 02:29

Thanks hun, i know he wouldn't... We are worlds apart. He has learnt how to love himself and be happy now thank god, he is so special, he just needs to man up to his control freak mother and make her aware that she cant control his life now.. That's my job lol.

MIL hard the fact that I don't need r rely on her and I will do EVERYTHING myself or die trying, where as the ex needs everything done for her and is very reliant on MIL.
Jealousy and control at its finest.... She picked the wrong mama to play with my kids heads ad try pull them into her little games :)

OP posts:
Marshmallow91 · 30/12/2018 03:33

Tell her to stop it - if she doesn't then she's no longer welcome at your home. Silly mare.

PerspicaciaTick · 30/12/2018 04:14

Why is the Ex living with your MiL? Do neither of them work? Are there mental health issues which might mean the Ex is unable to make her on decisions about how she spends her time, what she is called and when she visits you?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2018 05:20

I also think you need to talk directly to the ex and reduce your mils power. Your dh doesn’t want to listen to how his mother is being. I therefore think you need to be smart. If she then complains to him about you cutting her out, you can be clear you’re not doing it to upset her just being good mums ensuring all the children are important. Perhaps add on a “y’know mil gets confused sometimes or talks before thinking” so this way everyone gets to be thought about.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2018 05:22

Persipicacia
She isn’t. Op said the mil invited the littlies sans op and her dcs to the ex’s house.

Hortonlovesahoo · 30/12/2018 07:15

You've got a DH problem and not just a MIL one. He needs to back you up. I'd agree with correcting her and using the lines that "mummyofthelittledragon" suggests.

PerspicaciaTick · 30/12/2018 10:47

Thanks for clarifying Mummyoflittledragon, I think I assumed they were because they are with each other 24x7.

Original poster
Dragonfly8c · 30/12/2018 23:59

They don't live together but spend all their tine together when the ex isnt working. MIL is carer for OHs kids when ex is working.
They are just really really close, no issue with that.
I can visit the ex's house for kids parties ect and there are still family pics of the ex and my OH all over the walls 6 years later lol.
Nobody other than me dare speak up to the MIL because she spits venom and no1 wamts to upset her. She is nasty but I have no time for her games :) xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonfly8c · 31/12/2018 00:06

Thanks all, I'll keep you updated.
One of the boys left his coat here so I can guarantee there will be a full family visit tomorrow to collect it.

I have spoke. To my 5 yr old today and asked if she knew what an auntie was, and explained it was a brother or sister of mummy or daddy.... then said as much as MIL tells u to call ex auntie, she isn't your auntie and you do not have to call her that. That way i felt she was informed about what an auntie is amd that the ex is not her auntie but if she feels she wants to call her it then she can, but i was naughty amd said MIL is naughty for telling u to call people auntie and making u cuddle them. Only cuddle who u want to!!!

OP posts:
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