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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change child minder

42 replies

Londonlife85 · 29/12/2018 21:02

I've been unsure of the childminder for a bit now. Basically my faughter doesnt have milk in the day any more and I've expessed this to her but she still gives ny daughter milk. And finally the last day before christmas, I picked her up and she had been crying for about 30 minutes, there was only 2 older children still there age 5+ who were playing a game nicely, so I dont understand why she had been left to cry. Aibu to change child care for these reasons, she only goes 1 day a week atm but as soon as she sees the building she starts screaming. Im thinking of changing to a nursery for 2 days a week. What would some of you more experienced parents/childcare workers say?
Btw my daughter is 15 months.

OP posts:

Original poster

Londonlife85 · 29/12/2018 21:02

Also, the kids that were there said she had been crying all day long, although i took this with a pinch of salt as they are children.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 29/12/2018 21:05

If you think it would suit you both then change her.

But the points you have made don’t concern me?

iano · 29/12/2018 21:07

Change her. If you don't trust the CM that's the end of the road really.
I wouldn't care about the milk. Why is that an issue for you?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 29/12/2018 21:07

There’s a difference between being ‘left to cry’ and ‘crying’. Some of my mindees have unsettled days where they cry even if I hold them. I have to put them down occasionally to get things done, as I’m sure any parent has had to.

I also give my mindees milk to drink- is that odd? What’s your reason for no drinking milk? I offer water too but milk is ok too

Have you spoken to the childminder?

Original poster

Londonlife85 · 29/12/2018 21:09

Its not so much her having the milk, more the fact that the childminder didnt listen when we said we dont want her to have it in the day anymore. But our HV did say not too much milk as my daughter is at the high end of weight for her height.

OP posts:

iano · 29/12/2018 21:09

Do you mean formula OP?

KimchiLaLa · 29/12/2018 21:10

Trust your instinct. It's your child and you don't want to be at home/at work and worried she's unhappy. I couldn't bear the thought of my baby unhappy at nursery.

I do think giving milk in the day is fine, but if you have made that decision and expressed it to her then I would bring it up again.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 29/12/2018 21:10

It’s just a drink. I could understand if she was giving her Fanta.

Poodloo · 29/12/2018 21:11

It's normal for toddlers to be offered milk or water.
The fact you asked her not to and she went against it is concerning. But I wanted to let you know it's normal and ok for them to drink milk. It's not like she's feeding her an entire pack of wine gums.

The crying thing is concerning. Yes toddlers have off days but I'll still always try to comfort them

Nicknacky · 29/12/2018 21:12

So don’t give her milk at home then? I just wouldn’t lose an otherwise good childminder over a drink but that’s just me.

But if you aren’t happy, then you aren’t happy. I’ve changed a childminder when I instinctively wasn’t happy.

Drogosnextwife · 29/12/2018 21:13

I am a childminder. If you told me you categorically didn't want your child having milk through the day the. I would not give them it. Why is it a problem for her to have milk though? Perhaps the childminder is trying to give her some comfort and knows milk will do that.
Has your DD just started? It is quite normal for some children to cry for a while, sometimes every time they go. My DS cried every day before nursery for 2 years, he didn't like leaving me.
Do you mean your DD was left to cry as in she was ignored? I have a child who has not long started, he cries a lot, I do everything I can to calm and settle him but at around 5 o'clock, if he starts crying there is just no consoling him, a combination of tiredness but I can't let him sleep because he leaves at 5.30, sore gums because he is teething and probably missing mum by that time.

iano · 29/12/2018 21:13

I think your HV is giving you bad information about milk OP.
Nevertheless, your CM should try to do what you asked. I do think you need to pick your battles a bit. The milk thing isn't a biggie. But it doesn't sound great on the whole.

Worsethingshappen · 29/12/2018 21:14

You sound like you really care for your little one.
I wouldn’t be so concerned about the milk - I would explain again and talk about it with the childminder.
But of course you are right to be concerned with the fact she was crying for so long, apparently without comfort and that she is distressed when she just sees the building - that’s so sad.
Also I wouldn’t dismiss what the older children say. I have been busy raising 4 kids and often see how many adults present a different side of themselves to children than they do to adults. My kids noticed this too. In my experience children speak the truth about this sort of thing.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 29/12/2018 21:16

Is she giving her milk out of a bottle? Is that the problem? If shes on the too heavy side i doubt one day with cm is doing it. Plus shes 15 months. I cant imagine shes that big she needs to worry about her weight! Some HV are crazy

Drogosnextwife · 29/12/2018 21:17

I try very hard to keep him happy but I can't ignore the other children to do this. Also I have 2 other children who are quite young and they will both tell theor parents that the baby cried "all day" sometimes it's pretty accurate, sometimes it's completely made up, they just feel like the baby cried all day 😂. He's been with me for 5 weeks now and is starting to settle though, so if your DD has just started perhaps give it a while.

Original poster

Londonlife85 · 29/12/2018 21:19

About the weight thing, her weight is okay but my HV was just very clear 'not too much milk! ' As it could make her over weight, so at home we just do morning and night bottles

OP posts:

Original poster

Londonlife85 · 29/12/2018 21:20

Shes been going since september, so its been a while now but only 1 day a week.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 29/12/2018 21:22

Honestly don’t worry about her weight. I hadn’t seen the HV for months at this stage!

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 29/12/2018 21:25

One day a week means a maximum of 17 days (probably less with holidays/ sick days). If she were full time you’d still be in the first month. That’s still quite early in to the settling in process especially at prime separation anxiety age.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 29/12/2018 21:26

How did you know your dd had been crying for 30 minutes?

ChristmasUsername · 29/12/2018 21:26

I wouldn't be happy about my child being left to cry at all. I never leave her for longer than maybe 3 minutes. I'd except they comfort her in that sort of timescale, if she continued to cry despite constant comfort then I'd expect them to investigate what was wrong, she doesn't cry much though so that's why I'm the way I am. So therefore id be horrified if anyone left her alone with no contact to cry for half an hour and would change childminder.

The milk thing though is a bit worrying, your little one needs calcium needs met, perhaps the child minder feels this isn't so, so continues to provide milk. I wouldn't change childminder for this reason unless she was ONLY giving milk instead of food.

I also wouldn't like my child to get upset going anywhere so this would send red flags up for me too if it seemed to be the childminder and not the separation from mummy causing upset.

Good luck

TheHauntedFishtank · 29/12/2018 21:28

I’d change cm. If your instinct is that your child isn’t happy and you can change easily then I would go wit( your gut. There were odd things my cm did that I wouldn’t but nothing big and she adored DS, still does actually and even though we’ve moved away we keep in touch.

Nicknacky · 29/12/2018 21:29

christmas How do you know there was no contact when the baby was crying and she was just left?

And I left my kids longer to cry than 3 minutes. It can’t be helped when you have an older child and need to see to them too.

CripsSandwiches · 29/12/2018 21:29

I would definitely change if you're unhappy. It sounds like your daughter isn't bonded with her anyway so look for a new childminder or lovely nursery. You could try asking on local facebook groups to get a personal recommendation.

OrigamiZoo · 29/12/2018 21:31

It is very hard for a baby to settle when it is only one day a week, 2 days minimum.

Discuss the milk issue again, be clear.

If you know she had been crying for 30 mins, then the the Childminder told you and is being honest?

Communication is key.

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