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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children and whatsapp

42 replies

worthygirl · 29/12/2018 20:13

I made the epic mistake of allowing my 11 year old to have whatsapp. It was meant to be with very strict boundaries (me checking it) as he is underage so he could keep in touch with a friend that has moved away.
But it’s almost instantly become out of control - he’s still in primary and there is a class group that is literally constant- 500 messages a day. I have been out all day & come home to find he’s been on it all day & is an emotional wreck now.
Aibu to ask what the hell to do? Do I delete it? We have talked about boundaries. I feel so stupid for letting him have it- it’s instantly very unboundaried. In the first instance I have confiscated his phone but I am genuinely unsure about how to deal with it.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 29/12/2018 20:15

Delete it.

gamerwidow · 29/12/2018 20:17

I think you have to delete it. He has shown he is not mature enough to be trusted not to stray from the boundaries you have given him. I would tell him he can WhatsApp his friend from your account only from now on. That way he can still keep in touch but you have control.

gamerwidow · 29/12/2018 20:18

Ps it’s hard knowing how and when to give your kids more freedom. Don’t feel silly.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 29/12/2018 20:19

I am unclear on what boundary he has broken. Did you tell him he couldn’t join his class WhatsApp?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 29/12/2018 20:20

Remove him from the class group. I'm in a group with 7 other folk and while I'm at work it can easily have over 100 messages if there is a big conversation going on, I put the notifications on mute for that group when I arrive at work. I can imagine a few in a class can quickly rack up a massive conversation.

I'd let him keep it for messaging the friend though as I imagine it's better than maybe Skype or facetime. Being able to chat as you think of something or send pictures is the reason I have it.

orangeicecream · 29/12/2018 20:21

Delete it. WhatsApp has an age limit of 16+.

IfNotNowBernard · 29/12/2018 20:22

Yeah delete it! It's a bit of a no brainer tbh.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 29/12/2018 20:23

Actually, I take back what I just said as I didn't realise the WhatsApp minimum age is 16. Delete it. The school should also be made aware that the class has a group on it in case of bullying/sharing inappropriate material.

Original poster
worthygirl · 29/12/2018 20:23

@whattodo yes, I said he could use it for one purpose only- contacting his mate

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 29/12/2018 20:25

Why is he an emotional wreck? I'm confused

Original poster
worthygirl · 29/12/2018 20:27

@lazy he’s overwhelmed I think - he was getting upset by all the notifications etc and his phone constantly pinging!

OP posts:
Beamur · 29/12/2018 20:27

Delete it. He's too young and today has proven it. My DD is also 11 and not allowed to use it. The group chat dynamics are a pain and breeding grounds for bullying and upsetting each other.

nancy75 · 29/12/2018 20:30

Why is he an emotional wreck?
Is he year 6 or 7? It’s pretty normal for kids in secondary school to be in a class group chat, they use it for homework. As it’s xmas holidays a few of them probably got new phones & are using it more than normal

nancy75 · 29/12/2018 20:30

You can mute notifications

Original poster
worthygirl · 29/12/2018 20:31

@nancy he’s year 6 - he’s overwhelmed. He got added to a couple of other groups too by school kids- plus a class group- loads of messages and he doesn’t know how to handle it

OP posts:
StoorieHoose · 29/12/2018 20:32

Leave all the group's or learn how to use the app - notifications can be muted

Original poster
worthygirl · 29/12/2018 20:33

I just don’t know whether all these messages are a good idea as he feels like he needs to respond- hence being on it all day. As I said, he was just meant to use it for one mate

OP posts:
SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 29/12/2018 20:33

In the first instance I have confiscated his phone but I am genuinely unsure about how to deal with it.

I honestly don't understand the issue. It's an app that he's too young for, and it's causing him emotional distress. So you delete it. Why the uncertainty about what to do?

motortroll · 29/12/2018 20:35

My 11 year old has WhatsApp. She regularly deletes herself from groups for the following reasons

  1. Someone joins who she doesn't know
  2. A pair of people start arguing
  3. It's a group with all the same friends as another group.

I also check her phone randomly whenever I feel like it. I have had no problems. If I did have any problems with her I'd delete it.

We've had lots of chats about it. She is obviously able to self regulate. A lot of her friends aren't?

Original poster
worthygirl · 29/12/2018 20:35

@shecame because it’s new territory for me. I also don’t want him to feel left out

OP posts:
StoorieHoose · 29/12/2018 20:36

Why did you give him access to an app that YOU don't know how to use and control?

If he is feeling overwhelmed then he is too young for a phone nevermind social media or WhatsApp

ArabellaUmbrella · 29/12/2018 20:36

What everyone else said, also a good time to have a discussion about hiw you don't have to respond to every single message that comes your way. Give him a sense of control over it if you're going to let him have it.

nancy75 · 29/12/2018 20:38

Rather than just deleting use this to help him learn that he doesnt always have to read & answer everything. Read through some of it with him - I bet most of it is just the kids in his class messing about & could be ignored without any fall out.
When he goes into secondary almost all kids will have WhatsApp & it is useful for discussing homework & just generally getting to know new class mates.

Original poster
worthygirl · 29/12/2018 20:39

@stoorie I do know how to use it- I have it myself. I just don’t know how to manage kids using it as it’s new territory. I am trying to set boundaries that he’s not following but also trying to understand how kids use it and not alienate my son. I am trying my fucking best

OP posts:
StoorieHoose · 29/12/2018 20:41

If he is not sticking to your boundary's remove the app til he is a bit older then?