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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Children and whatsapp

42 replies

worthygirl · 29/12/2018 20:13

I made the epic mistake of allowing my 11 year old to have whatsapp. It was meant to be with very strict boundaries (me checking it) as he is underage so he could keep in touch with a friend that has moved away.
But it’s almost instantly become out of control - he’s still in primary and there is a class group that is literally constant- 500 messages a day. I have been out all day & come home to find he’s been on it all day & is an emotional wreck now.
Aibu to ask what the hell to do? Do I delete it? We have talked about boundaries. I feel so stupid for letting him have it- it’s instantly very unboundaried. In the first instance I have confiscated his phone but I am genuinely unsure about how to deal with it.

OP posts:

Larasshadow · 29/12/2018 20:42

Personally I'd read through the chat groups he's in. If it's all just normal kids chat then I'd get him to leave the group. If there is any kind of bullying going on I would copy the messages and tell the school.

I had to do this with DD when she started in year 7. Luckily she had no interest in being in a chat group with her whole year group at school and left the group of her own accord when she got home and switched her phone on to find almost 1000 messages from just one day!

She has a friends chat group that I will check often. She finds it really helpful for homework chat.

Eilaianne · 29/12/2018 20:43

You don't seem to know how to put reasonable boundaries in place - you should know, and have taught him how to, mute the barrage of messages. You should have had a conversation about technology use with him - what's fair, how often he would like to check it, how other people may expect responses but it's up to him to do what he's comfortable with and no more (etc).

Some adults can't manage social media well (look how common the threads are about e.g. "I work full-time and my friend/elderly relative/partner constantly harasses me if I don't respond immediately to trivial messages, phoning and texting asking if everything is ok").

How on earth did you expect an 11 year old with none of the self protection in place to manage it?

Delete it NOW, and try again in a couple of years once you have better prepared him.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 29/12/2018 20:43

because it’s new territory for me. I also don’t want him to feel left out

I'm not being obtuse, really I'm not, but I still don't understand: you granted him the privilege with certain boundaries. He transgressed those boundaries and as a result has got into something he can't handle emotionally. So the privilege is revoked until he's old enough to respect the parameters and has the emotional resilience for it.

What's more the more important issue: being distressed and breaking the rules you set for him, or being part of something he's too young for in order not to be left out?

Jaxhog · 29/12/2018 20:45

If the age limit is 16yrs, then delete the App.

Jaxhog · 29/12/2018 20:47

Just checked - the What'sApp age limit is now 16yrs. Until earlier this year it was 13yrs. So either way, he's at least 2 years too young to legally use it. Delete it.

Beamur · 29/12/2018 20:49

My DD is at high school. She doesn't have WhatsApp, it's not a big deal. At least one of her friends has removed herself from class chats as they're more trouble than they're worth.

PerverseConverse · 29/12/2018 20:52

If it's any comfort my year 7 dd doesn't have it and isn't allowed her phone for anything other than her homework app and contacting me should she need to. She's proved since September that she can't keep to the rules over usage and has done inappropriate and potentially dangerous things. I've removed google and safari, and she just has the school app, my number, schools number and some emergency contacts. She just can't self regulate. Message after message from a friend just saying "hello" ffs. Friends calling her for an hour and being in the background, looking up inappropriate stuff, using all her data, phoning her dad who is not allowed her number as he's abusive, being late for school because she's messing on it etc etc. Now she gets it handed to her just before she leaves the house and has to give it back when she gets home. I've had to do it because she's been out of control with it. She'll have to show me she's ready for increased time with it but at the moment she's still messing with things I can't delete.

Dd (10) has lost her tablet due to the tantrums she was throwing over restrictions on playing minecraft. She'd lie about the time she'd had on it and her general behaviour was awful. Now she's gaming for hours on ends at her dads and her behaviour is at times very concerning.

My waffling point being I think they are too young to handle all the things that technology brings socially. It's damaging. Good for you for recognising the issue and seeking to do something about it.

StoorieHoose · 29/12/2018 20:52

OP it's a phase anyway. First it will be WhatsApp that everyone uses in his class, then it will be instagram then it will be Snapchat then they will start on the anonymous apps where they will leave anonymous awful messages. Not everyone in his class will be on all of these platforms and I would recommend you don't allow him on any other ones until he is a bit older

Trills · 29/12/2018 20:54

Rather than just deleting use this to help him learn that he doesnt always have to read & answer everything

I think this is a lesson that a lot of adults have not yet learned, and would be a great thing for him to get a handle on now.

JoeLycettsSparklyArmSling · 29/12/2018 21:07

My year 6 DD has WhatsApp and so far minimal problems with it. She’s quite good at self regulating it- today she “couldn’t be bothered” so the phone has been off.

However if your child is stressed out and upset it’s probably best to delete it at least for now.

IfNotNowBernard · 29/12/2018 21:17

Perverse I did the exact same thing in year 7 and I think it was actually a bit of a relief to dc.
And to whoever said almost all of them will have it in yr 7- loads of kids where I am don't have whatsapp in yr 7 or yr 8. Aside from which, "everyone else is doing it" isn't a valid reason to me.
I wish parents would get a backbone sometimes and say no to their kids.

LadyFlangeWidget · 29/12/2018 21:22

11 year olds have no self regulation
They're kids. Let them run free in parks and explore nature. Social media is for teenagers!!!! Whats app..no way

Starlight456 · 29/12/2018 21:25

I am of the don’t delete it but who was with him all day ?

He needs teaching if there is an argument keep out.

I think year 6 is a great time to teach them about social media while they are still open about it.

You need to teach him how to mute conversations

vickyh22 · 29/12/2018 21:29

@worthygirl my son is 9 coming up to 10 so year 5, he has been asking for a phone i have resisted as he is far too young in my opinion and quite immature! I too have the feelings of not wanting him to feel left out! So can totally see where your coming from! I think its best if you delete WhatsApp for time being! He may be upset and angry about it but i think its best in the long run!

Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme · 29/12/2018 21:36

Delete the app.
Have a conversation about his phone number being personal information, he should only share with people he trusts. WhatsApp means his number can be shared with people he doesn’t know.

Don’t get sucked into the whole ‘if they don’t have it they will miss out and be bullied’

My dd doesn’t have WhatsApp, makes sure her number is only given to people she trusts and isn’t missing out at all. Yes there are class WhatsApp groups but she isn’t worried about not being on it. Teaching your child they have to be on something to be ‘in’ is dangerous for their emotional health.
Teach they to be happy with themselves, happy with what they like doing and not influenced by others.

Mudmonster · 29/12/2018 21:46

Dd is in year 7 and I said no to WhatsApp.
She asked once and I said no and she’s not asked since.
I do allow snapchat but there is a feature where you can save chats for 24 hours, once a week or so I have a check but so far it’s just her and her mates sending emojis to each other
She’s very good at self regulation and turns her phone off when she’s had enough.

orangeicecream · 30/12/2018 08:16

My year 7 and and year 8 kids don't have WhatsApp, snapchat, twitter, fb etc in accordance with the age guidelines. My year 8 does have Instagram but only on my phone and he very rarely asks to go on it. I would rather have control now and loosen the reins gradually than have to deal with addicted and stressed preteens. I know personally of children under 15 who have taken overdoses, self harm and even committed suicide and I feel that social media does have a role to play in this. Harsh but reality.

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