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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop access because of SIL

35 replies

Wildcat22 · 29/12/2018 19:28

Hi, I think I know the answer but AIBU to stop access for my daughter (15), husband of 26 years walked out after nephew committed suicide and moved in with his sister, I just heard that SIL was/is dating a paedophile who was charged back in August for having images on laptop?..I am disgusted with H as I see it, him staying with her means he approves??

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 29/12/2018 19:55

If SIL is no longer dating the paedophile, it's a bit late. I suggest the first step is finding out if she is or was...

If she is, I think having a conversation with your husband and daughter about how to protect her is your best starting point.

I doubt your husband 'approves' this but presumably your SIL is in a bad way after the suicide of her son and he wants to support her.

greendale17 · 29/12/2018 19:57

If she is still dating the paedophille then yes absolutely I would stop access

legalseagull · 29/12/2018 19:59

If he's been convicted he'll be on the sex offenders register and therefore unlikely to be able to stay at a house where a child is present without social services and parental approval.
I wouldn't blame your husband for wanting to support his sister but I wouldn't let DD in that house if the boyfriend is anywhere near!

InsomniacAnonymous · 29/12/2018 20:00

What kind of person would date a paedophile? I just don't get it.

user139328237 · 29/12/2018 20:04

There is no point in attempting to prevent a 15 year old seeing their father.
At that age trying to prevent contact if she wants it will be anything but successful and if anything will put her in more danger.

mindutopia · 29/12/2018 20:06

As pp said, if he has been released back into the community, he will likely be under a sexual harm prevention order which restricts the sort of contact he can have with children. He likely wouldn’t be allowed overnights with a child in the house without permission of both parents (the police will want to come meet with you to discuss this and have you sign off to consent, you’d be amazed how often people do!). He may have other restrictions. Unfortunately, we have first had experience of this with a family member. We no longer have contact with said individual (obviously!) and any other family members who live with that person, it’s supervised only and on our terms.

I would raise it as an issue with social services myself. He needs to get his own place and commit to not allowing contact with the partner or even your dc going to their house if there are any concerns that photos or videos could be taken covertly.

Nicknacky · 29/12/2018 20:07

Have you spoken to your husband about this?

OoohAyyye · 29/12/2018 20:07

I think your DH should arrange to see his daughter outside of his current home. He should totally respect why you want that.

Does your 15yo know that her aunt is dating a paedophile?

JoeLycettsSparklyArmSling · 29/12/2018 20:08

Would you be able to physically stop your 15 year old from seeing their father if they want to? I’m not saying you’re unreasonable to feel this way I’m thinking of this from a practical point of view. If she’s likely to ignore you and see him anyway would it be better to encourage her to be open with you and talk to you about things and so you know she’s safe? My children are younger so I don’t know exactly but my main aim is making sure they’re safe.

Original poster
Wildcat22 · 29/12/2018 20:13

InsomniacAnonymous....I don't understand that one either....
Legalseagull.......Yes just read report in paper , community service, sex offenders register and attend and complete some program! I get that H wants to support SIL but don't get how he could potentially put D at risk....Thanks for your responses,

OP posts:
posthistoricmonsters · 29/12/2018 20:20

I would ring social services and let them know. They may be unaware she is meant to have access there, currently

Original poster
Wildcat22 · 29/12/2018 20:24

Nicknacky....no, not yet....conversation is very limited due to asking for maintenance but that's a whole other story!!
OoohAyyye....H only has contact outside of SIL's at the moment , D has not had contact in a few years with aunt , so no she doesn't know who she is dating.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 29/12/2018 20:25

There is no way round it, you need to have a discussion with him about it no matter how bad your relationship is.

LilQueenie · 29/12/2018 20:26

Stop all access until you know more. If he is still in a relationship with sil or she has any feeling of sympathy for him you don't let DD near at all.

UserName31456789 · 29/12/2018 20:27

Surely the 15 year old is able to arrange contact with her dad on her own without your help? I don't think you should try to stop her seeing her dad. I share your disgust in sil dating this man (although did she actually know - if not I hardly think she or ex can be blamed).

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/12/2018 20:35

Bloody hell, was she dating this creep before your poor nephew committed suicide? Really hope the two things are not connected.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/12/2018 20:36

OK, here are the things you don't know:
Whether or not the SIL is still involved with the criminal
Whether your XH has enough sense to keep his contact with DD away from the house he is sharing with SIL if she is still seeing the man.
Whether or not the criminal is actually dangerous to your DD. (If, for instance, his preference is for pre-pubescent children or for boys only, vile though he is, your DD is not actually at risk of being attacked by him.)

It is also likely that your H is supporting his sister following the loss of her son rather than accepting/condoning her relationship, so when you speak to him, try to be calm and sympathetic rather than charging in waving a pitchfork.

Original poster
Wildcat22 · 29/12/2018 20:36

Nicknacky...think your right, bite the bullet.
Thanks for replys, need to get to the bottom of this and make the right decision to protect my D, whether that is social services, police , solicitor etc...hopefully H will understand

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 29/12/2018 20:38

This is messy.
Have you and your dh split up?
Was the mums boyfriend anything to do with her sons suicide?

Original poster
Wildcat22 · 29/12/2018 20:39

TinklyLittleLaugh.....I'm being told they are connected, what a mess

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 29/12/2018 20:41

Are you suggesting this man abused your nephew?

museumum · 29/12/2018 20:48

I thought bk a 15 yr old is old enough to be told the situation and hopefully decide to see her father out of the house daytimes only and you can support her in that.

Original poster
Wildcat22 · 29/12/2018 20:49

Nicknacky...no not at all,

OP posts:
Original poster
Wildcat22 · 29/12/2018 20:51

As this is all so fresh and new, I don't want to add more pressure on 15yrs shoulders if I don't have to

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 29/12/2018 20:51

So what do you mean by “connected”?

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