I'm pissed off at my neighbours life.........................

[toomuchtodo]

and yes I know I am being unreasonable cos I wouldn't change with her, but Jesus, she's got it so easy

gets up at 10.30, bf takes kids to school
seems to do nowt with baby, only goes out if she wants maybe once a week

doesn't cook, gets takeaways most nights

has loads of family round to babysit every weekend so she can go out

doesn't want a job as she says her benefits pay for everything (doesn't tell ss she has a partner who works....)

never feeds her kids anything decent, they wander around these streets with crisps/coke/cake and come in to my house while I'm trying to get mine to eat something decent for once

is always relaxed, cos she gets plenty sleep/rest/time away from her kids and I BLOODY DON'T

am jealous I know, just pisses me off when we're struggling on £16k a year and she gets by and doesn't try just has a nice easy life

God I'm really tired today and a moany bitch, but where else can I moan?!

Well, she's setting an example to her children, isn't she. Don't worry, I'll soon be paying for her children to scrounge off the state aswell, then, shall I ?

tmtd, why not? i know it might seem mean but she is setting an exasmple to your children too. how could she know it was you, i'm sure the benefits agency are used to this sort of situation. they must recheck claims regularly anyway, her bf must be receiving post at that address etc.

I couldn't dob a woman with kids in. No way, it's a horrible thing to do to someone.

Some of you are jobsworths and Daily Mail readers.

Really obi. ? I actually take offence to FRAUD. And I pay my taxes to support their fraud. And yes, that does bother me. AIBU ?

do you suggest that having a child gives us all licence to defraud then?

One of the guys at work knew of someone who was reported by her sister. She was making claims and working at the same time. She had children also. She had to pay the money back but importantly, her children did not suffer.

So those who say that someone with children should not be reported are talking rubbish.

OP, YANBU, you are a great role model for your children.

Well I can sort of see why you aren't going to drop her in it, (but grrrr people like this are the pits).

However since you seem to be on a brief chat type of footing with her, how about getting her to think about what she's doing and put the wind up her a bit..

Eg., "Ooh Irene, did you hear the benefits agency is clamping down at the moment in certain areas, there's a big blitz going on with all the paperwork, and they've even employed extra private detectives to check up on people. My sister says someone at her work reckons they're targeting...[insert local postcode] next week/month"

or "Oh my God Irene I've been really worried about [your dp]. Is everything OK, only my cousin's dh was investigated last week. He never told them about that job he started last year and they've caught up with him big time. He says he could hardly believe the amount of detail they had about him, work address, photos, the lot..."

Make her stew. Lazy cow.

I agree with tiredemma. You have the better life here because your kids have a mum who is fully involved with their care and their lives. They WILL thank you and appreciate you for that (one day)and it WILL have a positive impact on your lifelong relationships with them.

In the future this is what I see:

Toomuchtodo is sitting on the deck outside watching her adorable grandchildren playing while her grown up kids make her a cup of tea and get the dinner on for the family get-together-dinner. toomuch is pleasantly exhausted from a day's shopping with her children while the grandkids have been at school. Her children insisted on treating her to a special present and took the day off from their important executive jobs (they did well at school) so she's had a lovely day and lunch with wine.

see where I'm going with this?

Where will this feckless, going nowhere woman be while you've got your feet up????

xxx

Shop her to Gillian McKeith instead. Take aways every night indeed.

that's nice honoria. tmtd, the thing about yoru neighbour is that she isn't relaxed so much as uninvolved with her children. (well apart frmo teh criminal sideline)

I agree - she may have an easy life but her kids will suffer (are suffering!) which is so sad. And tired as you are, you do get to enjoy your kids (I hope), and to know them and have a relationship with them. Hers probably think of her as that woman who lives with us.

yes she's so lazy and uninvolved with her kids, gets lie ins most days and time to herself most weekends that what pi**es me of more than anything

you can tell I've got no help can't you

thanks for that view of my life HG, hope it comes true!

I'm sure it will toomuch
It is so hard when you don't get a break...I feel for you. No way you could get a babysitter now and again I suppose?

Oblomov, yes I do think that dobbing in benefit cheats is a horrible thing to do.

No matter what you might feel about fraud the truth is that people on long term benefits do have a pretty shitty time.

We only know the OP's take on her neighbours life, the reality might be very different.

I have read in my papers scenario's where mothers haven't declared earnings from menial jobs (cleaning etc) and in some cases have received custodial sentences.

I think that those of us who are lucky enough not to be in the benefits trap sometimes need to be 'the bigger people'

I know a mother at school (single mum) who does cash in hand baby sitting (she claims benefits)...should I dob her in?

Obi, I think we are going to have to agree to disagree, becasue my answer to all your questions is Yes. Cash in hand, is wrong. Benefit fraud is wrong. I would like to hear some convincing arguments. You know its wrong. I know its wrong. The people who committ fraud, and you seem to be forgetting, it is fraud, know its wrong.
I have earnt little at certain points of my life. And this has nothing to do, with not being in the benefits trap. I have no doubt that it is hard. But defrauding me, and the rest of the population, no matter how hard life is on benefits, doesn't make it right.
FRAUD IS WRONG. And it is a criminal offence. Are you going to argue that a criminal offfence is o.k. ?
I have to disagree.

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Want to add that I'm one of these single mums on long-term benefits, and it makes me feel really, really guilty...I've been let down by two different men, and my kids are 4 years apart, so I shan't be working for a while...I could get a p/t job but would not be able to afford the rent etc. if I did, so am a bit stuck in the 'trap'.

I hate to think I'm being paid for by other people's taxes. It seems so wrong.

Oh and my mum helps out too, but I cannot imagine coping without her. (I never get a lie-in though! )I guess there are degrees of it, your neighbour sounds as if she does have a very easy time. And I don't think it's right that she has benefits and another income.

How do you manage, toomuchtodo?

I've been offered cash in hand work, but don't take it. Coward, yes, but it wouldn't feel right to be lying about my income.

FA, I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. I live in Ireland but I assume the systems were designed for the same reasons - to help people in genuine need of help. IT is people like the op is referring to that get to me.

I didn't have a great education but I was lucky enough to have a lot of help from my family and I was able to study later for a good career. It all worked out and I now have a job that allows me to be independant and provide for my daughter but I seem to spend so much time at work and very little with dd. I spend nights crying by her bed when she's sleeping wondering if she'll ever understand and forgive me for the choices I made.

It's so stressful that I'm off work at the moment and on AD's.

I would love to spend more time with her but at what cost? What would I be teaching her? I try to spend quality time with her. For now that's all I can do.

I hope things get better for you FA but for now don't feel bad. I have no problem with genuine people only those who commit fraud.

Ab, that's really kind...thankyou, it's difficult for anyone I think to juggle work and kids..I'm very lucky I don't have to, and might even home educate DS1 (if he doesn't get on at school) because my situation allows it.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I can relate to your feelings a bit, I have been crying over DS1 recently as DS2 has taken up all my time and DS1 suddenly seems very far away...I also wonder if he will forgive me one day, for having his brother.

I hope you manage to find a way through this. You sound like a terrific role model for your DD. xx

Oblomov I agree with you. I grew up in somewhat straitened circumstances; my father worked (and mum after a while too but not well paid) but he had a gambling/alcohol problem, so wasted a lot of money and anyway
he "retired" while I was still at school. We had no central heating until I was about to leave home, no phone either for years, sometimes had to wwait several weeks for new shoes after pointing out to my parents that the current pair was too small. You get the picture.

At no time did my parents ever dream of claiming anything on benefits that they weren't entitled to. At university I was on a full grant with no extra parental support. Lived in a couple of seriously grim rented places the like of which you see on TV as examples of what should be condemned. In my early twenties I had a lot of student debt and although I had a professionL QUALIFICATIOn (sorry) by then it took a while for a comfortable amount of money to filter through. At one point I had a holiday job in M&S to help me out while studying; I used to live off the cheap food they sold in the staff shop which wasn't put on sale due to labelling errors etc.

I know ALL about hard times. But I got through, as did dh who's not from a wealthy background either. We worked bloody hard for everything we have now - yes we are now comfortable but at nobody else's expense.

Yes it is "hard on the kids" if a parent has to repay benefits or in extremis go to prison. It's also "hard on the kids" if a parent goes to prison for committing gbh or whatever, or receives a massive fine for some other criminal offence. Are we suggesting a sanction free lifestyle for anyone who's a parent ? People have choices; they just need to make the honest ones.

Some of you will think I'm a sanctimonious cow but I don't care. I get tired of all this woolly thinking when it comes to things like benefit fraud or tax evasion. They are not victimless crimes just because nobody's been, say, physically assaulted, or pickpocketed on the High Street.

My first thoughts were that perhaps she is depressed? However there is no excuse for the Benefit fraud and I am about that.

Flightattendant the system is there to help people like you at certain stages of their life. The OP's neighbour is a differnt kettle of fish.

Just for clarification: I do not have a problem if someone claims benefits.
I do have a problem with benefit fraud. Simple as that.

It's ok, I always just barge in on threads and confess everything about my own life, just to make sure I'm not doing something awful!!

Thanks for setting my mind at rest

The op could be describing my sil and herbf with their two year old daughter. Not actually fiddling, ie working on the side, just happy to live on benefits and not look any further while we are both self employed full time and juggle work and nursery and income and bills.
I used to get worked up about it but I don't anymore - because we are working and motivated (would be the same motivation if one of us was at home and one worked), the kids see that, and by staying in work instead of benefits, we are building a future for our children and setting a good example of work ethic and that you get what you work for in life.
Of course il's have just given her a 3 year old very nice car 'to help her out', while we held our breath that our 11 year old shed would pass its MOT last month!