Too much for PIL at their age ...

[Zoe2411]

PIL are 76-78 and want overnight with DS 16 months who they have only met a handful of times ?
Partners sister has 3 boys 11-13 so self sufficient to a degree and only allows 1 at a time to go over or stay over as in her words ' they can't cope ' .
They mentioned either him coming down to theirs ( 2 hours away ) or them coming up to us and taking him out for the day .
They literally have no idea how to look after him really nor do I think they realise what having a 16 month old on your own is actually like in terms of physically and mentally lol

AIBU to say no to this ?

Whether or not to allow your child over there alone is a parenting decision, not their decision. "No" is a complete sentence.

Suggest you all take dc to soft play. Let them take charge while you enjoy a cuppa.
They will back track pretty quick I imagine.

Let them come up to you, go out with them but let them do the bottles, food, and dirty nappies. He's probably running around by now, isn't he? I hope they're fit? Can they manage getting buggies in and out of the car etc?

why do you think they have no idea how to look after him.They have more parenting experience than you

Why have they only met him a handful of times? Is there a big backstory here?

I wouldn’t say an outright ‘no’. I would enthusiastically say ‘it would be lovely for you to spend some time with him, but he’s too little for overnight stays’. Let them
come up and take him to the local park for an hour. Or they can look after him at your home while you pop out for a bit, or have a bath/do some gardening. Because ‘A whole day out isn’t really a good idea at 16 months as he’ll want a nap or two at some point’. They may then realise that a toddler is a lot of work and they may back off, or you may think that actually they can cope well at least for short periods.

If you're not confident someone can look after your child properly, why on earth would you let them? No matter who they were?

poppoppop100

It's not a question of experience. It's a question of whether they, as seniors, are able to adequately care for an active toddler. As people age their bodies and minds slow down. They may still be very active, but their reflexes aren't as fast as a younger person's, nor is their cognition. That's a fact.

OP has stated that her SIL only allows one of her adolescent children over at a time - and adolescents don't (or shouldn't) need as much direct supervision and care as a toddler.

My mother was in her late 70s when ds was born. She said she would be kind of ok with him when tiny but ‘to not give her anything that needed catching’!! 🤣.

I agree with taking them out together.

I don't think yabu. My ILs are late 60s/early 70s and want to 'look after' DD but they would not be able to cope with DD overnight/all day. She runs around constantly and they are v overweight and used to spending all day sat on the sofa so would really struggle to manage with her. MIL can't even pick her up. They also don't know how to change a disposable nappy and have no interest in learning.

They don't realise they've declined physically since they had their babies.

I wouldn't. DDs the same age and if she's let out of her pushchair she's off like a shot. I'd worry that they would be able to chase after him if they can't cope with more than one teenager. If I was you I'd just say he's too young for sleepovers and arrange a day out instead.

Of course say no to this. They can't cope with more than one teen, they certainly can't handle a toddler. The safety of your child comes first.

or them coming up to us and taking him out for the day .

Sounds like a plan. Let them take the cchild to a local zoo/ softplay/ whatever and go shopping close by.

TBH even if they were definitely confident they could cope with him I'd still be reluctant if I were you because he basically doesn't know them, and I would imagine that at 16 months old he'd be freaked out at being left with them. Different if it was a night's babysitting, or if you were with them OP.

nor do I think they realise what having a 16 month old on your own is actually like in terms of physically and mentally lol
but you also mention your partner and your partner's sister so they must have had experience with them at 16 months of age.
Can the elderly grandparents cope is another question. I'm a 71 year old grandfather and having my grandson is exhausting. Let them have time with your son but in a safe place so they can decide if the really have the energy to cope alone overnight.

Op's dn /dn were toddlers a decade ago though!!

I don't understand how anybody can fail to grasp how a disposable nappy goes on or off. That aside, people age at very different rates. My husband is in his early 60s and is super fit, far fitter than many people half his age. He would have no trouble keeping up with a toddler, but I doubt very much if he would want to - it's incredibly tiring mentally and also pretty boring unless you're besotted with the little one.

If they can't cope with more than of their older GC and any one time, I'm sure they will be exhausted with a 16 month old.

Why have they only met him a handful of times?

Invite them over for the afternoon and let them see him in full throw. They'll soon change their mind

What's with the idea of them having him to themselves? You're hardly going to drive the 2 hours and go home again. Surely you and Dh would be staying too? And if they come to yours you and Dh could go out for the day with them. Say no to an overnight as it's too far to simply drop him off. And if you wish to have them stay with you then organise an activity for you all to go on - be it a play centre, park walk, picnic. Doubt your Ds would happily head off with anyone he doesn't really know.

Um, no. That’s 4 years younger than my GRANDparents and the thought of them looking after my 13 month old is preposterous. He’s a whirlwind!!

Older GNs should try to admit their limitations. It's sad to say 'Sorry, I can't' but sometimes unavoidable.

OMG. The Ageists are out in full tonight. Having 11 twins, I would imagine the 'not being able to cope' is more about attitude and bickering with three boys age 11-13.

As for Backinthesun and Ceeecee Take a loom around, their are young mothers a plenty who are overweight and they seem to manage. And you know what, it doesn't take an origami master to use a disposable nappy. Remember that generation had to terry cloth and pins.

Maybe invite them over for the day and let them play, feed and change your child's nappies. See how they cope with it all. They may back off when they realise how much hard work it is.

I think it would be a shame to say an outright no. Your child would probably get a great deal of joy out of spending quality time with their grandparents. Their age is an age only you and they can determine their fitness to cope. If they are relatively fit maybe they could do something like take him swimming or to the zoo. Could he wear reins at the zoo so they can have control of him? Grandparents don’t last forever and if planned appropriately they could all get a lot out of it.

Zoe I agree that neither of their suggestions would be a good idea.

I am early 60's but very young and fit for my age. However, I still feel it at times - despite not wanting to admit it - and the thought of trying to cope with a 16 month old overnight or all day without mum close by would fill me with dread. Late 70's? No way!

Just tell them the offer is lovely and much appreciated but DS is being very clingy and unsettled at present so would be better to look at it again when he is much older 16 😂