Too much for PIL at their age ...

[Zoe2411]

PIL are 76-78 and want overnight with DS 16 months who they have only met a handful of times ?
Partners sister has 3 boys 11-13 so self sufficient to a degree and only allows 1 at a time to go over or stay over as in her words ' they can't cope ' .
They mentioned either him coming down to theirs ( 2 hours away ) or them coming up to us and taking him out for the day .
They literally have no idea how to look after him really nor do I think they realise what having a 16 month old on your own is actually like in terms of physically and mentally lol

AIBU to say no to this ?

I'm very glad we have John4703 on here as a 70s grandad to give us first hand experience and its really nice to see a full range of opinions on a thread so you are a very welcome voice John

I'm 56, my DCs are mid-late teens now, I would LOVE a 16 month old. For about an hour, maybe 2. That would be fab. I think the OP is clearly able to make a good call on their physical ability to keep up with such a young toddler and there are lots of ideas to take them to soft play, go out for a day together etc. But definitely not overnight without mum and/or dad.

KC225 - you been on the ? What on earth has the weight of a young mother got to do with anything?

One of my best friends is 75 she is a wonderful friend, and has her own dog who she looks after well, she is still sharp as a pin and no physical ailments (except age) but I probably wouldn't want to give her a young toddler overnight to look after.
She wouldn't let a toddler come to harm but it would be a lot I think for her to recover from.

My grandmother is 70, she would be both mentally and physically capable of looking after a toddler overnight if she had to. (Except she isn't a nice person so I wouldn't want her to)

I think my point is that it's more about the person rather than the age that would confirm to me wether it would be a good idea.

KC225
OMG. The Ageists are out in full tonight. *It's not ageist to take account of the safety of children due to known physical or mental deficits that are a natural and inevitable part of ageing - that's not ageist! First and foremost safety is what must be provided - end of"

Having 11 twins, I would imagine the 'not being able to cope' is more about attitude and bickering with three boys age 11-13. Who has 11 twins, that's 22 children?

Take a loom around, their are young mothers a plenty who are overweight and they seem to manage. Yes, but being 21 and overweight and being 75 and overweight (with additional physical issues such as poor balance, poor physical aerobic condition) not only could the children be at risk if they ran towards a road but the GPs could injure themselves trying to run after them

And you know what, it doesn't take an origami master to use a disposable nappy. Remember that generation had to terry cloth and pins.Except that these fabulously caring people have already indicated they've got NO interest in changing a nappy, terry cloth or otherwise! How do you think that would work out? Coming back to a child with a sopping nappy?!

The child in question can still get time with the GPs which I totally agree is valuable beyond words, but not if it's at the risk of the child's health or safety, or the GPs health or safety.

My mum is 56. She has DS overnight very regularly, but has been around most days since he was born, and looks after him 2 days a week whilst I work, so she knows exactly what she’s letting herself in for. MIL is 68 and FIL is 80. They’ve met DS a handful of times. There’s not a chance they could manage overnight!

I think some brief local trips would be a good place to start and see how they get on. SIL complains that her parents are very hands off with her toddler, they weren’t with our dc at that age, but that was nearly 10 years ago.

My parents are in their 60s and struggle between them to cope with my 18m old. At 16m old he was the same as he is now.

They wont be able to manage imo.

Thank you all for your thoughts , I am glad the general feeling is the same as mine as I feel less of an arsehole! And partner although agrees and gets it I think feels abit meh about me saying no .
Happy to do what we do which is spend the day with them out or at ours every 6 - 8 weeks but overnight or days out without us just is a no .
Although generally healthy , MIL has had a hip replacement and FIL can't really walk properly so physically , unfortunately , and I am not being ageist , I don't feel they would be capable of that side of things or keeping him safe if he were to run off or even just generally carrying him if he wouldn't settle in his pushchair etc - even I struggle sometimes and I hold him day in day out .
No weird back story I'm afraid lol , I think ' a handful ' is unfair ... but around 10 times they have seen him / spent time with him as they live 2 1/2 hours away so have done every 6-8 weeks meet ups.
My own mom is only 50 and even she struggles mentally with the tiredness etc and that's when I'm there ! Lol I wouldn't allow my own mom him overnight just yet either as I don't think he is ready anyway but that's another debate lol x
Thanks for making me feel less of a dick and feeling confident enough to say actually , as lovely as it would be , no x

Yanbu. They need to accept their limitations. I know I can't manage dn on my own with my own dc as well so I don't do it but spend plenty of time with her and bil/Sil too. I think it's a good idea to let them take charge at softplay while you sit in the cafe or go out somewhere together.

DoinItForTheKids Thank you for replying to KC225's post so I don't have to. I agree with everything you said.

If both have mobility issues I'd be VERY reluctant to let them have a toddler alone overnight. Toddlers tend to have one speed and one direction - fast and straight ahead. If he somehow got away from them they'd be unlikely to be able to catch up with him. Not to mention that toddlers thrive on routine, and making him spend overnight alone with two older people whom he doesn't know all that well is probably asking for a meltdown. Not a restful time for anyone.

My PIL are a similar age. DS is a newborn. They met him for the first time recently and my MIL held him - he was all scrunched up on her lap, she wasn't supporting his head and she said "ooh, I've forgotten how to hold them". He looked so uncomfortable. Her reflexes aren't great, if he'd done one of his sudden jerks she may have dropped him. Both of them have terrible balance too. There's no way I'm letting them look after DS on their own, even through, although they're welcome to help out with him when we see them. I'm not being ageist, it's an honest assessment of their abilities.

Compromise on letting them take him to soft play alone. Enclosed space so toddler can't escape and it's a couple of hours hands on time for them.

The assumption that at 'their age', five or six years older than me, they couldn't cope is ridiculous unless they've demonstrated their inability to manage! We often have grandchildren staying, even when they were quite small, sometimes for a few nights or even for weeks in the Summer. We feel very deflated when they go, they give us a reason to do things we wouldn't normally do and they seem to enjoy it too.

I agree it completely depends on the person - I can’t describe how sprightly my dm was compared to my mil at the same age.

My MIL tried to get me to agree to her mother staying in our house and providing child care full time (while I worked) when my DS was 12 months old and her DM was 80.

DGGM was frail (and spoke no English) and my DS hyperactive so I refused. There was no end of fuss.

She sadly died suddenly of old age 5 months later and I thanked my lucky stars I'd said no.