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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my sister babying is niece

44 replies

Freakyhorse · 29/12/2018 16:45

So my younger sister has two kids, a 7 year old boy, and a 4 year old girl. She's had a really tough time recently, after splitting up with the father of her children, (althogh he was barely a father to ether of them,) amd subsequently have money troubles, leading to mental health problems.

Thankfully her whole family have helped her, myself included, to get back on her feet. We've helped her by taking the kids when she needed, picking them up from school, or taking them for a night. We're really her only family close, so no one else can really help with this.

The problem is that I feel that she babies the 4 year old quite a lot. She still has dummies, and uses them most of the day. She has milk in bottles, and wears nappies most of the time. She is also a terrible sleeper, we often have to bring her into our bed when she stays with us just so as she'll go to sleep.

The dummies and bottles are causing severe dental problems, as she can't even put her front teeth together. And her speech is very limited, due to the dummy.

I feel like this is holding her back, no idea how she will cope when she starts school in September.

The problem is I feel really bad talking about it with my sister considering she has been through so much, and this has been the least of her worries. But it's becoming a big problem.

Should I bring it up with my sister and if so how can I do it in a non threatening or judgemental way.
Thanks

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 29/12/2018 17:10

Eeek that’s a tricky one

My 3 year old(4 in March) ds was still in nappies 3 months ago so I can sort of relate.

Luckily we managed to get him potty trained but it took a lot of perseverance.

He also sucks his blanket when he’s upset or tired, but we have made blanket upstairs only now and he only has it when he sleeps.

I think with everything that’s going on, she’s probably trying to keep things easier for herself.

I wouldn’t know where to start bringing it up with her.

Riverside410 · 29/12/2018 17:10

Can you suggest she goes to nursery / pre school for some funded hours before she starts school in sept?
Then the staff there might pick it up and have a word and she could see that most 4 year olds are more independent with feeding etc?

Beeziekn33ze · 29/12/2018 17:14

Can you get your sister to register her children with a dentist? It's free and dentists prefer to see children well before they have any issues with their teeth. They want them to come and show their teeth to the dentist as a normal, unthreatening thing to do.

agnurse · 29/12/2018 17:16

There are really two sides to this. Yes, niece is starting to have issues. OTOH, trying to get her toilet trained and off the bottle and dummy RIGHT when her parents have split is not a good idea. That's added stress she doesn't need.

She's not your child. This means you can't interfere.

CherryPavlova · 29/12/2018 17:20

Yes. The needs of the child are paramount. It is neglect. See if you can persuade her into using nursery and a dentist. Buy her a potty and knickers if she doesn’t have them already.
Encourage toilet training. It’s really unkind to start a child at school without them being trained unless they have significant learning disability or a physical disability.
Better the message comes from a loving sister than a social worker.

agnurse · 29/12/2018 17:21

CherryPavlova

The thing is, it's quite possible OP's sister will simply tell OP to mind her own business.

If it comes from a social worker, then you can't say that.

mountainlakes · 29/12/2018 17:23

Does your niece have additional needs like autism? It does make potty training harder.

CherryPavlova · 29/12/2018 18:41

agnurse Absolutely - might well be the case, but let’s not forget Maria Colwell and all those other neglected children since where people didn’t want to interfere. You are surely morally obliged to say something when you see a child being abused through acts of omission.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/12/2018 18:48

It is a tricky one.
Is your neice not in a preschool yet. Will she be starting one.
I wouldn't say anything to hard. Let her take the responsibility of the DC on again. Her head sounds messed up with everything else. Can you have a chat about moving forward making future plans, mainly around the DCs development, it sounds like lots of things are out of control for her.

hazeyjane · 29/12/2018 18:50

Could it be that these things - lack of speech.....a dummy.... difficulty toilet training....bad sleep....are a result of unidentified additional needs, rather than a lack of input/'babying'.

How is your niece in other areas of development - understanding? Physical development? Behaviour?

Does she show an awareness of toileting (ie knowing she is going to see or poo or if she has done one?)

Does she attend preschool? Do they see a health visitor?

formerbabe · 29/12/2018 18:52

If there's no special needs, then at four years old, she really should not be in nappies routinely or using baby bottles/dummies.

I'd speak to her definitely...she's your sister! I wouldn't think twice about mentioning it to my sister and vice versa.

Saturdaycartoon · 29/12/2018 18:54

OP you sound nice and supportive and careful on how you have portrayed your sister. So if you keep going in that spirit, gently supporting her and maybe just steering away from the more negative terms will help.

'Babying' as a term to use could come across a judgmental so focusing on the positive ways the child will need to move on could be more constructive.

Dummies can be very emotive and a lot of people are very defensive about their use. Maybe focusing on how best to help her on with the speech ( singing a great way to help) and the lessening of the dummy use as a side effect of that could be a great start.
Sounds like you have all best interests at heart so proceeding on that basis will hopefully help your niece and your sis.
Good luck!

Cherries101 · 29/12/2018 18:59

How often do you have her? If it’s regular and more than 2-3 days a week you should just start potty training her. I did this for all of my siblings’ kids because otherwise they would have showed up to school at 4 in nappies.

Colourfullanguage · 29/12/2018 18:59

If her separation from her partner is very recent, it would be a bad time to insist she potty train or remove something comforting like a dummy. The children will have been through enough change.
So, I would start gently broaching the subject with her. Casually ask when she is thinking of potty training. You might find it has been on her mind but with everything that has happened it has been put on the back burner. Things like this are rarely successful if the children are still raw from a life changing event so go gently.

Original poster

Freakyhorse · 29/12/2018 21:00

Thanks so much for the replies.
To awnser some of the questions brought up, we on average have 1-2 nights a week, depending on other things.
Sister has been on and off with her partner since the birth of her first child, the separation happened almost a year ago.
At that same time she was starting to potty train her youngest, the separation and following problems obviously derailed that.
As for he speech, her vocabulary isn't much behind, but her pronunciation is very poor, almost like she has a lisp, I think from speaking around a dummy.
Apart from the areas that I've mentioned, she's fairly normal developmentally.
And lastly, I want to make clear that her mother is trying very hard for her and her brother, but with these issues I just felt like I should say something.
Thanks

OP posts:

missymayhemsmum · 29/12/2018 21:31

dsis, I realise its normal for kids to regress a bit when things change, and dn has needed the comfort of her dummy, but how can we help you get dn ready for school? She's going to need to be potty trained and lose the dummy soon, I think it could be affecting her speech and maybe her teeth. what's your plan?

Support her in meeting the health visitor for advice, on the basis that if the whole family are helping care for the kids, you need a consistent plan, which it is up to her to make and you to follow.

RandomMess · 29/12/2018 21:33

With the dummy thing I would only say to your DN, take your dummy out when you speak, or when she talks "please take your dummy out so I can hear you better.

hazeyjane · 29/12/2018 21:52

Is she at preschool or nursery?

So her speech isn't so much 'very limited' as difficult to understand? Does she only drink from a bottle or just have a bottle at night?

hazeyjane · 29/12/2018 21:52

...sorry, also - has she seen a dentist?

Original poster

Freakyhorse · 29/12/2018 22:07

She does attend nursery. Some of the staff did mention her speech when I picked her up once, after I started asking a few questions.
She will drink from other cups ect. But has a bottle of milk at night, a sometimes throughout the day.
Her main speech problem is that it's difficult to understand, but her vocabulary is less than my DS who is more than a year younger.
I think she has been to the dentist before but not since last year. (I don't know the specifics)

OP posts:

waterrat · 29/12/2018 22:17

Op I think if you speak kindly and supportively to your sister then that is what family are for isn't it? Maybe pick the potty training as a four year old will know when they need to go so with your help perhaps that could be dealt with before the dummy ?

I think it's important to offer support especially if you have her regularly. But maybe don't try to do dummy and potty training at the same time ...

Could you phrase it as an offer of help?

I'm surprised the pre school aren't being more proi active. My kids nursery would be quite on the ball with things like this.

hazeyjane · 29/12/2018 22:26

I am surprised too, if she is showing signs of delay they should be talking to your sister and putting support in place.

GabsAlot · 29/12/2018 22:27

my dniece had speech problems at 3 the preschool already remommceded a spech therapist-maybe they have and dsis hasnt followed up

zzzzz · 29/12/2018 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

agnurse · 30/12/2018 00:44

zzzzz

Actually, at this child's age she should not be using a bottle. It's bad for her teeth for many reasons:

Her mouth is being developed by the bottle. This is good for babies but not for older children.

If she has a bottle of milk at night, she's going to have sugary milk all over her front teeth. This can cause cavities and tooth decay. This is commonly called "nursing bottle syndrome" or "baby bottle tooth decay". Now, you may say "But these are baby teeth and they'll fall out." Here's the thing - baby teeth make space for permanent teeth. If her baby teeth fall out too early, her mouth may not grow enough to allow her permanent teeth to fit properly. She may be facing a lot of extensive dental work later on.

I agree it's a problem. But I don't think this would qualify as actual neglect or abuse. That's why I don't think OP should get involved.

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