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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my sister babying is niece

44 replies

Freakyhorse · 29/12/2018 16:45

So my younger sister has two kids, a 7 year old boy, and a 4 year old girl. She's had a really tough time recently, after splitting up with the father of her children, (althogh he was barely a father to ether of them,) amd subsequently have money troubles, leading to mental health problems.

Thankfully her whole family have helped her, myself included, to get back on her feet. We've helped her by taking the kids when she needed, picking them up from school, or taking them for a night. We're really her only family close, so no one else can really help with this.

The problem is that I feel that she babies the 4 year old quite a lot. She still has dummies, and uses them most of the day. She has milk in bottles, and wears nappies most of the time. She is also a terrible sleeper, we often have to bring her into our bed when she stays with us just so as she'll go to sleep.

The dummies and bottles are causing severe dental problems, as she can't even put her front teeth together. And her speech is very limited, due to the dummy.

I feel like this is holding her back, no idea how she will cope when she starts school in September.

The problem is I feel really bad talking about it with my sister considering she has been through so much, and this has been the least of her worries. But it's becoming a big problem.

Should I bring it up with my sister and if so how can I do it in a non threatening or judgemental way.
Thanks

OP posts:

zzzzz · 30/12/2018 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lillighters85 · 30/12/2018 02:21

Ahat month was she born? If you're in England and she's an April-August baby, I wonder if it might be worth considering applyingt o defer her start at school a year (I.e reception in September 2020 instead of 2019?) Give the wee love a chance to catch up with her peers on speech and potty training etc before school?

SandyY2K · 30/12/2018 02:40

4 years old...milk from a bottle...nappies and a dummy.

I'd be very worried that she has developmental issues.

Original poster

Freakyhorse · 30/12/2018 12:31

Thank you very much for your help. I'm seeing Dsis this afternoon, I think I'm going to bring it up. Nothing too confrontational, just a gentle suggestion.

OP posts:

Exhaustedmummy1811 · 30/12/2018 12:54

My youngest is 3 today and potty training is a slow progress with her, I am finding letting her pick her own pants and a new potty has helped. I just casually ask a few times a day if she might like to use the potty and she is usually happy to do so but still needs reminding.
As for your sister tread carefully I've felt ambushed in the past by well meaning family who say things like 'Susan's daughter has been potty trained since 15 months don't you think you should get a move on) but you could maybe use it as a time to spend more time with your sister so she feels more supported and not alone to cope with it all. Maybe make some reward charts together.
For bottles and dummies I found the best way was to in the begining hide them and claim I couldn't find one and distract my children then after a while insist they leave them for the Easter bunny/santa in exchange for a special surprise. The children seemed to find it much less stressful than I had, I panicked for ages it would throw the bedtime routine and cause melt downs but they were always a lot calmer than I thought and it was much easier. I think sometimes children know when it's right for them to give them up especially if they notice friends and other family members don't have dummies and bottles either.

Thymeout · 30/12/2018 14:00

My dentist can tell whether a child still uses a dummy or a bottle from the shape of its palate. He even picked up that my dgd snored (enlarged tonsils) from the effect on her palate of air passing over the roof of her mouth.

Not sure what pp meant by 'traditionally' but if they're referring to primitive societies, a 4 yr old would likely have at least 2 younger siblings and been weaned long ago - no contraception.

Dummy use definitely affects speech. A baby can't babble when it's mouth is full of rubber. And late weaning to chewable foods means tongue muscles don't get sufficient exercise to develop properly.

Op - it sounds as if you have a good relationship with your dsis. See how she reacts to an offer to help with potty training. She may just need a gentle reminder and will take it from you.

zzzzz · 30/12/2018 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Freakyhorse · 17/01/2019 17:21

So if anyone's interested I approached Dsister about Dniece and she agreed to a few changes. That was 2 1/2 weeks ago, since then we have made a big effort to potty train her and have made great progress. The bottle has been ditched as well. The dummy however is proving more difficult. She is now only allowed it at bedtime, which is not without protest, but we've been working on it. Does anyone have any tips on getting rid of it. I know Dsis is really having a hard time with it. Thanks

OP posts:

donajimena · 17/01/2019 17:29

Leave the dummies at night for the fairies to take for the tiny babies and they bring you a new toy?
You have to absolutely follow through and not replace them. It might make for an uncomfortable night or two so maybe you could do it at yours if you feel you can cope a bit better than your sister.

Purplewithgreenspots · 17/01/2019 17:36

I don’t know how much help I can give as my lo never had a dummy, but I can still remember when my sippy cup was taken away.

I was so distraight that I can still remember my mum saying I was too old. Its a tough thing to do but children (and their parents) survive.

SpanielPlusToddler · 17/01/2019 17:39

We had 4 dummies and one by one they ‘broke’, I snipped the tip of the teat off! My wee one knew that they were gradually breaking, a few days apart and that there wouldn’t be any more once the last one was broken. He would suck the broken one and declare it was no good and help to put it in the bin, so he was involved and knew what was happening. It really was much less traumatic than I thought it might be. Good luck.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2019 17:42

Given all the other changes I'd leave dummy for a bit. She's potty training, dropped. Her bedtime bottle and ditched the daytime dummy. Concentrate on dummy doesn't come out the bedroom and consolidate the rest.

Then perhaps at Easter tell Dn that of she leaves dummy our for the Easter bunny to give to the baby bunnies / poorly babies in hospital /whatever works, he'll leave her a special present?

headinhands · 17/01/2019 17:45

She's been through an adverse experience with her mum suffering poor mental health. It's not unusual for children to just plateau after such an event. Nothing makes me overly worried. I expect she'll pick up later.

Coralnails · 17/01/2019 17:50

Op my youngest ds was a bit like your niece, but he was almost 3 so a bit younger, He had a dummy, bottle at night and nappies, was also a poor sleeper. It was difficult to know which to tackle first.

Anyway, I decided the dummy had to go first because that was restricting speech and causing him to whine a lot, restricting it to bedtime just didn't work because ds would ask for it all day.

So, I bit the bullet and told him that he was a big boy now, and we were giving the dummies to the babies. Then I binned them all, every last one. Never looked back, wish I'd done it sooner, we had a few sleepless nights and then all was fine.

The nappies were next to go, managed to ditch the bottle when we went on holiday we just didn't bring any with us. Told him they didn't have bottles on holiday.

Best of luck to your dsis.

Coralnails · 17/01/2019 17:52

Oh I forgot, we also 'swapped' the dummies for a cuddly toy. Ds wasn't really interested in teddies before this but he really took to the teddy as a dummy replacement.

ZogTheOrangeDragon · 17/01/2019 17:57

I agree to focus on what she has done so well for now and it’s great that the dummy is just being used at bedtime. PP’s suggestion of removing the dummy altogether at Easter is a good idea as it allows time for potty training to settle and for her to be used to no bottle. Perhaps agree a toy or treat that she can have at Easter in exchange for the dummy. It will probably be a rough week but if will soon be done.

Nothisispatrick · 17/01/2019 18:04

zzzzz

It’s actually not recommended for children to use a bottle past the age of 1, from a dental perspective. I don’t know why that offends you so much but just google it if you don’t believe us.

RandomMess · 17/01/2019 18:21

That's big progress for 2.5 weeks I wouldn't stress about getting rid as a matter of urgency.

Agree with introduction of a special cuddly toy to have with dummy or blanket or something.

When I tried to get rid with my youngest she started sucking her thumb and more than she ever did with the dummy 🙈 she ended up with a dummy for several more years, my eldest gave hers up for a scooter at 4 - middle two sucked their thumbs and that was far more traumatic to get to end...

Tiredeyes21 · 17/01/2019 18:24

We ditched the dummy just before his 3rd birthday which coincidence with christmas. So he got presents for the dummies, that the dummy fairy bought him. A few nights of tears and he was fine.

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