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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving partner for child’s sake?

28 replies

fullforce · 29/12/2018 12:36

Just having a healthy debate with my OH about our parents having partners when we were children and wanted to hear other people’s views. This is probably the best section to post it in so not looking for am I AIBU, just searching for opinions!

From my own experience, I feel that if your child is anywhere up to 16 years old and can voice how they feel about your partner then you should leave the partner if they don’t get on and they’ve really tried everything. I think by choosing the partner over the child it causes irreversible damage to the parent-child relationship and attachment. Especially if at a young age like 5 or 6. I hate the idea of being forced to live with someone you don’t like. It makes my skin crawl! I’ve also seen young children be removed a few times when the mother being given a choice and choosing the partner. I see so many lives tainted and ruined because someone wanted to stay with their partner more than their children. I just can’t understand how adult relationships trump the child’s right to the enjoyment of their own home. I remember it well, as soon as my DM’s boyfriend moved in it was no longer my home but theirs. Has anyone else been the child in this situation? It’s a topic that really interests me so any opinions, agreeing or disagreeing are appreciated!

OP posts:

Snowballtorch · 29/12/2018 12:57

I agree. Both my parents remarried people who mistreated me and my siblings, and I felt they repeatedly chose their partners over us. I have always sworn I won't do that to my children, if I were ever to split with their father. Once I had them, their happiness became my priority and my own needs put aside until they are adults.

RubyWho · 29/12/2018 13:03

I agree. My DM married a man who very was very vocal in his dislike for me and would regularly tell me, my DM and anyone who would listen that he almost didn’t marry my DM because of how much he hated me. DM ignored it. He was extremely abusive (physically) towards me and I left when I was 16. He was not abusive to my half siblings (his and my Mum’s kids). It was well known in our family that that’s how things were and I shouldn’t rock the boat.

Later in life I connected with some of DMs friends from around that time who went NC because of the situation.

She still maintains she “had a right to happiness” and that I just needed to put up with it and had no right to ask her to do otherwise (I pleaded with her to leave him). Weird thing was doctors and teachers (and a child therapist...yeah) knew about the situation and no one stepped in.

I’m no longer in contact with her or any of them.

My kids didn’t like my previous partner, got rid. They love current partner (soon to be DH).

Hobbitbobbit · 29/12/2018 13:07

I agree with you. I grew up with too many partners moving in and out, it’s definitely affected my ability to have a proper relationship. I wish my dm had waited until I was older to put her relationships above us.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 13:07

Yes. I was the child in that situation and it was made worse when they had more children.

I vowed no blended families for myself. If I should split from DH I’ll be remaining single in terms of cohabitation until my (still very young) children are adults. My DH has the same point of view too.

Obviously I’ve no idea what the future holds but hopefully DH and I will remain together and stay happy so this isn’t an issue.

Hobbitbobbit · 29/12/2018 13:08

@rubyWho the “right to happiness” was a phrase used in our house too.

RubyWho · 29/12/2018 13:09

@hobbitbobbit funny that mine (or my siblings who must have been affected by the atmosphere and screaming insults) didn’t have any sort of right to said happiness. Hmm.

JacquesHammer · 29/12/2018 13:09

I agree totally OP.

It’s a moot point really as I’m never going to have another relationship but I would absolutely take the lead from DD and her opinion.

madcatladyforever · 29/12/2018 13:10

Yes I agree and I left home as soon as possible to get away from step parent.

Jaxhog · 29/12/2018 13:16

If you've made the choice to have children then of course they come first. They have no choice but to be there and are your responsibility above and beyond everthing else.

setAsProfile · 29/12/2018 13:19

Parents do have a right to be happy though. I think that happy adults make better parents than unhappy ones.

DH and I have excellent childcare and go out most Saturday evenings. We have a weekend away every two months. It keeps the marriage happy and means that we love time with the children even more as we appreciate the different aspects of life.

I can't imagine dating with children involved but am sure that although I'd listen to the boys, I wouldn't dump a partner simply because they didn't like them. If the partner didn't like children then it would be entirely different.

TheBigBangRocks · 29/12/2018 13:20

Agree too and like madcat I left home very young.

Sadly is very common and the parents sex life trumps the child's happiness.

Greatorb · 29/12/2018 13:25

I'll go against the grain and disagree. My mum suffered abuse at the hands of my dad. A lot of it was hidden from us kids (and still is now) until she kicked him out. She met someone else a few years later and remarried. They met when I was 13 and married when I was 15.

SD and I never got on, huge clash of personalities, and the fact I was an obnoxious teenager. They kicked me out when I was 17, and it was the best thing they did for me. Made me grow up loads.

It would have been a shame if my dm chose a horrible teenager over her chance of happiness.

Ethel80 · 29/12/2018 13:29

I agree and was also that kid for a while.

Of course parents have the right to be happy to and should absolutely be able to find new relationships but the kids come first. Take it slowly, really get to know the new partner before introductions with kids and don't put their happiness at risk by living with someone your child isn't comfortable with/doesn't get on with.

I have no issue with 'blended' families and parents shouldn't have to stay single for years and years but just be cautious.

An issue my cousin has is that if she lives with a new partner this will trigger the forced sale of her house. Is this normal in divorce settlements?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/12/2018 13:33

I work have worked with vulnerable children and families my whole adult life but it never ceases to amaze me how many women choose a man over their own DC and find a way to justify that choice to themselves.

iamthewalrusgoogoogjoob · 29/12/2018 13:38

Agree. Wholeheartedly.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 29/12/2018 13:57

Surprised at so much agreement. It's one thing if the new partner is abusive, unpleasant or excluding of the child - yes, in that situation, there's no contest. But to say that you should leave a perfectly loving and kind partner just because the children don't like or get on with him or her strikes me as grossly unfair. You don't stop existing as a person with needs just because you have children. Your life isn't invalidated by theirs. Most children will rebel against a new partner as what mot children want is their 2 real parents together. Children can't be allowed to dictate everything and have to learn to accommodate other people. It's part of growing up into a healthy adult to learn that you aren't the centre of the universe and that other people have the same right to a fulfilling and happy life as you do. I'll say it again - where the adult refuses to make an effort or is abusive or excluding, that's very different. Where the child just decides they don't like the new partner, that needs to be worked with and addressed with love and care. The answer isn't to send the message to the child that they get to be in control of everything and everyone.

madmum5811 · 29/12/2018 14:02

If the step parent genuinely tries to be a benign influence on a childs life, then that is important. I could not love or marry a man who belittled my children. They are a part of me. We come as a package.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 14:06

The child gets no day in their life being turned upside down.

If it’s a split/divorce they often get no say in where they live or how often and when they see the nrp. Or they have disruptive custody arrangements.

They can’t move out if they don’t like the person but you can choose to live somewhere else as an adult.

As an adult we can choose who we spent significant amounts of time with for any reason.

They didn’t ask to be born, they were had purposely and that means they trump my cohabitation until they’re adults.

No one is saying you can’t have a relationship - just not one where you cohabit and have more children.

UserName31456789 · 29/12/2018 14:14

I've known wonderful step parents who enriched the child's life but I've also known situations where the child never felt comfortable in their own home (nothing abusive they were just living with someone who they weren't well bonded with). In the latter situation I just wouldn't move in with my partner until my child was grown up. Blended families can be wonderful but it isn't a given that they'll work out even with the best intentions and if it doesn't work you have to put the kids first.

cleanasawhistle · 29/12/2018 14:28

Two step fathers growing up,both really disliked us kids.
They moved in and took over,all rules changed.
The first one even took a belt to us.
My mam always thought you put your husband first.

lessthanBeau · 29/12/2018 15:21

My dm put her happiness above us kids, db and I were emotionally and physically abused by her partner from age 5 until we left at 15, once we were out of the way their relationship was better, but I dont think my dm was ever really happy with him, he bullied and emotionally abused her for 40 years until she died a couple of years ago, now he's the grieving widower and I think he has forgotten the hell he put her through over the years. I won't shed a tear when he kicks the bucket. It also affected the way I greived for my mum, I loved her and we got on well but I cant ever forgive her for what she allowed him to put us through. After I split with exh, I swore no man would ever do that to my kids, I'm now married to lovely dh and my 2 eldest from 1st marriage adore him.
On the other hand though, my df had a lovely step dad who she wouldn't get on with, although now as adults have a great relationship, I dont think her mum should have got rid of him because df didn't like it. I used to ask why she was so mean to sd, as he's actually nice when she could see for herself how it was for me with our dms partner.

PissOffPeppa · 29/12/2018 15:22

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I was that child from the age of about 9 until 16. I just couldn’t get on with my stepdad, I felt uncomfortable in my home and contained myself to my room.

But now I’m older, I can see he and my mum have a very strong relationship. He makes her happy and they’re a good team. I’ll never be his best friend but I can respect him, especially for sticking with my mum when I made his life so difficult too.

But then again, my mum and I aren’t very close so I suppose it’s had some sort of lasting effect on our relationship.

Vampiratequeen · 29/12/2018 16:01

I disagree, my DH butted heads with his DSD when he was a teenager, he acted out as teenagers do and his response when his DSD tried to parent him was "your not my dad." Which obviosuly didnt go down well, now my DH is older they get on much better, to the point that he sat on the top table with us, because my DH said that he is his DF not his real F as he was never there, whereas his DSD was.

memememe · 29/12/2018 17:58

what if its the childs bio dad? should you leave then?

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 18:00

@memememe

I don’t understand the question?

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