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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosting in the future...

37 replies

sayitwithcake · 29/12/2018 02:57

So my MIL has hosted Christmas for her side of the family for 11 years and we go on alternate years. She has the biggest house amongst her siblings and has lots of help from family members who are all very close by on the day - cooking, clearing (she knows how to get help when she needs to - DH has a list of jobs on arrival).... There tends to be be between 14 - 20 on Christmas Day depending on the year. Plus there is a whole village ‘thing’ that’s unusual but regular that’s part of everyone’s day that does add to the occasion. Now, we have a big house. A long way away from that side of the family and my family (who for various reasons is not in contact with my in laws) did pay for the family home through a gift to me tho husband and I more than pay for a very decent standard of living day to day for us and DC (indeed when we go up we are the only ones who tend to contribute significantly to the coffers for the day as well as help)..Now the family are sweet and much more relaxed in some ways than mine but that also translates that when we got this place looked through pretty much every draw and don’t really respect boundaries. Questions are now being mooted that we should start hosting. I am torn. My MIL is no kitten - all lost and alone. As I say, she knows how to play the game but I don’t want to dismiss thoughts that someone should take over and in some ways maybe it should be us. On the other hand it feels a little forced and I am not sure I feel that we should automatically to have to assume such a huge undertaking... thoughts?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 29/12/2018 03:03

Nope I wouldn’t be pushed into ‘hosting’ until you are absolutely ready to cook for such an enormous group size OP.

echt · 29/12/2018 03:12

Your hosting doesn't have to be theirs. Define your terms and stick to them.

FortunesFave · 29/12/2018 03:48

What has made you think you need to take over? Was MIL struggling this year?

Original poster
sayitwithcake · 29/12/2018 10:06

No. Not struggling - as I say she gets a lot of help but she likes to whinge and there is always one point that she makes noise she can’t afford to do something we can and that it’s our DC who benefit from our lifestyle not her or her extended family

OP posts:
trojanpony · 29/12/2018 10:14

it’s our DC who benefit from our lifestyle not her or her extended family

Why would they benefit? It’s your money...
Confused
Am I missing something?
Because Even if your parents gifted you a 6+ bedroom detached house so you are completely mortgage free it doesn’t give people a right to your money.

You don’t have to do anything you want but hosting for that many is hard work even with help and you sound a bit dismissive of this. You also sound like you have way more “resource” to host so I can see why it’s been floated though...

Pachyderm1 · 29/12/2018 10:17

Hosting is a lot of work so I can see why she’d want you to share the load some years. I think it would be fair to offer every other year on their turns.

AndromedaPerseus · 29/12/2018 10:19

If you don’t want to do it say so otherwise you’ll be stuck doing this forever

Dollymixture22 · 29/12/2018 10:20

I’m not sure I understand he link to your parents financial support and hosting Christmas?

Your husbands family are sweet but have no boundaries and you think they want to benefit from your parents generousity by having Christmas at your house?

I assume your parents don’t like these people and therefore would not the present but would resent you hosting them in the house they paid for? It might also mean you have to host for them every year and therefore not see your parents at Christmas which would be unfair to them?

Is this right?

GiBlues · 29/12/2018 10:20

We host every year Christmas Day and Boxing Day and I’ve actually said to DH we’re not doing it anymore, I’ve had enough of Christmases passing me by because I’m in the kitchen prepping, cooking or just generally running around after everyone. Boxing Day this year I barely saw my children or family that were here apart from at the dinner table.
I don’t see why it always has to be us hosting just because we have the biggest house.

Pachyderm1 · 29/12/2018 10:22

I don’t see why it always has to be us hosting just because we have the biggest house.

I just think there’s a good chance OP’s MIL feels the same way. That’s why I think it would be fair to take it in turns.

Confusedbeetle · 29/12/2018 10:23

Ask MIl if she would like you to bring round prepped veg or some other task/expense like the wine

lidoshuffle · 29/12/2018 10:24

Once you start these traditions it's really hard to stop and they become expected every year. Don't do it unless you are sure you're happy to do it for the next 30 years!

Guineapiglet345 · 29/12/2018 10:26

“she makes noise she can’t afford to do something we can and that it’s our DC who benefit from our lifestyle not her or her extended family”

How dare you spend your money on your own children rather than your mother-in-law’s-brothers-son’s-cousin-once-removed Hmm

JakeBallardswife · 29/12/2018 10:33

If you want to host next year, then just host who you want!

Original poster
sayitwithcake · 29/12/2018 10:35

Thing is - whilst my MIL is happy for guests to do tasks (as I say DH tends to have a list when he arrives) I tend to view people as guests so I would feel it would be unfair to get them to come in and start thrashing about the house ‘helping’ (tho I also know I use this for them as a way of maintaining boundaries as I do remember MIL turning on the hot tub first time she came over so if I impose the ‘you are guest’ rule there wouldn’t be rummaging). I probably would therefore, along with DH, do the bulk of the work. They would also all want to crash I imagine and wouldn’t understand why bodies everywhere doesnt really appeal. This is because it is too far to drive and by their general ‘everyone pile in we are family view on life’ I can’t imagine many of the extended family ever paying for a room somewhere....

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2018 10:38

Hosting is hard work. Even if everybody brings a dish, everybody helps with the clear up etc, it's still hard work because you're the CEO of it, which is a job in itself.
There are some people who genuinely enjoy it, but for those who don't, the only fair way is to take turns.

user1493413286 · 29/12/2018 10:39

You don’t have to if you don’t want to but I know my mum is looking forward to not hosting once me and Dsis have big enough houses as she’s tired of it after 30+ years. Could you do it alternate years taking into account that you only got there alternate years anyway so you’d be doing it every 4 years?

Neverunderfed · 29/12/2018 10:41

Every now and then it would be polite to return the favour and host.

Original poster
sayitwithcake · 29/12/2018 10:42

Dollymixture22 - the lack of boundaries thing drives my DP up the wall.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2018 10:44

The host does the bulk of the work regardless of how much help they get. So, if someone else peels the potatoes, the host has already had to decide the menu, work out how many potatoes they want, work out when they can fit in the oven, work out when they should shop due to space etc, go shopping for potatoes, think about whether they need foil or whatever, go shopping for foil, etc etc for every dish. If the person who has turned up without previously thinking about potatoes, and is asked to peel the potatoes, it's a bit audacious to then claim 'I did the potatoes.'

Juells · 29/12/2018 10:46

Every Christmas from now on, stay at home with your DP and your own children.

ourkidmolly · 29/12/2018 10:47

Just host for your immediate family and pils. How long can hosting the same group of people go on for, presumably they keep multiplying and growing? Time to break away. Where are your parents in this?

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 10:55

Every Christmas from now on, stay at home with your DP and your own children.

This. No more alternate years. Never understood dragging your kids round to parents or PILs for the most over-rated day of the year.

Ignore all your MILs hints. If she tries to order you to host, you say, 'Time to start our own traditions. We've decided to celebrate at home as a family no guests.' Meet up on Boxing Day somewhere. Sorted.

Don't 'host'. It's an over-rated day and you don't want the stress so don't do it.

Notso · 29/12/2018 11:00

Well don't host then. Nobody appears to have asked you to anyway. Have you just posted this a some sort of humble brag?

Every Christmas from now on, stay at home with your DP and your own children.
Yes, cut everyone out of your Christmas including your own parents because you think you might host Christmas for the in-laws Hmm

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 29/12/2018 11:15

Shouldn't this be on the "stealth boast" thread? Grin
"we have a big house... and my family did pay for the family home through a gift to me tho husband and I more than pay for a very decent standard of living day to day for us and DC (indeed when we go up we are the only ones who tend to contribute significantly to the coffers for the day as well as help)"
"as I do remember MIL turning on the hot tub"