Hosting in the future...

[sayitwithcake]

So my MIL has hosted Christmas for her side of the family for 11 years and we go on alternate years. She has the biggest house amongst her siblings and has lots of help from family members who are all very close by on the day - cooking, clearing (she knows how to get help when she needs to - DH has a list of jobs on arrival).... There tends to be be between 14 - 20 on Christmas Day depending on the year. Plus there is a whole village ‘thing’ that’s unusual but regular that’s part of everyone’s day that does add to the occasion. Now, we have a big house. A long way away from that side of the family and my family (who for various reasons is not in contact with my in laws) did pay for the family home through a gift to me tho husband and I more than pay for a very decent standard of living day to day for us and DC (indeed when we go up we are the only ones who tend to contribute significantly to the coffers for the day as well as help)..Now the family are sweet and much more relaxed in some ways than mine but that also translates that when we got this place looked through pretty much every draw and don’t really respect boundaries. Questions are now being mooted that we should start hosting. I am torn. My MIL is no kitten - all lost and alone. As I say, she knows how to play the game but I don’t want to dismiss thoughts that someone should take over and in some ways maybe it should be us. On the other hand it feels a little forced and I am not sure I feel that we should automatically to have to assume such a huge undertaking... thoughts?

If you don’t want to host at all don’t. There is nothing worse than a hostile or uptight host. Tell your DH it’s an absolute no and get him to tell his mother.

If you are ok with hosting just differently, then decide what you will do and offer it out.

Tbh, I wouldn’t want to be a guest in your home. It’s sounds like a controlled environment.

arethereanyleftatall
I may have your point about potatoes printed onto a feckin tea towel or festive apron.

This really isn’t a stealth boast and I am aware I might have control issues. After all it is usual that in laws and their extended family tend to go through drawers, look in your wardrobes and try all your appliances when you move in. I am also aware that it’s perfectly usual that there is an expected open invite as we are all family and we be told that we don’t care if we stay on the floor as long as it’s free .... I think it’s perfectly usual to have anniversary cards redirected the house when it was 3 days after you were supposed to be leaving. This is why I wanted to check if I was being uptight.

If you don't want to do it, don't! Some people seem to love doing that sort of thing - others, like me - don't. I don't care if people call me selfish! The work involved is massive and if you dont enjoy it then Christmas will just become really hard work - and for days before and after the actual day!

We decided once we got our own house to host Christmas alternate with PIL. They actually got a bit teary this year and said how lovely it was to not just be 'expected' to do everything and feed everyone and relax.

My MIL also has boundary issues but is the sweetest woman. When we decided to host we very much did it our own way-our own traditions and none of this 'standing in the kitchen over the cook getting in the way'.

We tag teamed the whole day to ensure people understood the 'flow' and importantly the rooms they were allowed in and not!

The first year it was a little hard work but now people understand 'our' traditions vs PIL and we also make ahead a lot of the bits so were not trapped in the kitchen.

As others have said, don't host if you don't want to but I was a little surprised by how grateful my PIL were to have the burden taken off them every other year

You only go on alternate Christmas, so presumably it would be every other year for you too? I think it’s worth giving it a go a couple of times and see what happens.
Do your side not get on with there’s? How will that work on the years you host though?

Why don’t you decide who you want to host -eg just MIL or uncle bob, or your parents, sister etc. You could select numbers specifically for the bedroom space you have /can create so you don’t have bodies on the floor.
You don’t have to replicate MILs idea of Christmas when you host. Those 20 people can all separate into smaller families. It’s not your responsibility. Eg MIL says “this is what we always do”, you say “oh no, it’s not what I do”.

No more alternate years. Never understood dragging your kids round to parents or PILs for the most over-rated day of the year.

This ... Although I wouldn't say Christmas is overrated, as it can be a lovely cosy day, for you, or you and your partner, or you and your partner and kids, or you and someone else you love that you're spending it with. (eg a parent or aunt or friend or neighbour.)

I have also never ever got the desperation to drag your arse halfway across the country (or world,) to visit people on Christmas. There are 51 other weeks in the year that you can visit them - and they can visit you!

I have spoken to (in real life AND online) sooooo many people who are stressed to the nth degree, because of trying to keep everyone happy at Christmas. So many fights over who to spend Christmas day with and who to spend Boxing day with and so on....... and uber demanding, and entitled parents and in-laws.

I know someone who I am close to, who went to FIVE different sets of her boyfriend's extended family on Christmas day, (and two different sets of his family on Boxing day...) All within 10 miles but still, she spent Christmas day out from 9.30am to 11pm, and then 11am to 6pm Boxing day.

It was like the film 'four Christmasses' where the couple had to visit his mom and step dad, his dad and stepmom, HER mom and stepdad and HER dad and stepmom. Ridiculous. This woman said Christmas day was the most ridiculously exhausting day, (and Boxing day was not much better!) and last year was the same, and next year will be too.

It's all her husband's family; she has very little of her own - just her parents. (The few extended family they have live abroad, grandparents passed on, no siblings, so just the 3 of them,) But he has a mom and stepdad, a dad and stepmom, 2 grans still alive and 1 grandad, an aunt who hosts a buffet, and an uncle and aunt who host charades and put on 'nibbles,' and a cousin who does a little boxing day 'cocktail party..' etc etc... They have to fit them all in over Christmas day and Boxing day.

So the 2 days are dominated by being dragged around his relatives. Fuck that. I said 'FFS, feign illness next year! Just develop a tummy bug on Christmas eve and quarantine yourself til the 27th!' 'Oh no I can't do that she said, his family would never forgive us and we'd never hear the last of it! Also, it doesn't help that he WANTS to go.'

Meanwhile her mom and dad (who live 20 miles from them,) don't get to see her and her boyfriend on Christmas day or Boxing day as there is no room for them. Her parents said 2 years back, 'we will just see you Christmas eve morning so you don't have any more pressure heaped on you.' So now she feels super guilty and bad that her tiny little family of just mom and dad feel they have to 'pull away' to enable her and her boyfriend to fit in all of his demanding family.

In addition, I have a good friend whose son's girlfriend's parents invited them to come over for Christmas dinner last Christmas, and they politely declined, because they prefer to be in their own home. (Also, there was going to be about 12 people there who they didn't know.)

They asked this year too, and they declined again. For the first time in the seven years her son and girlfriend have been together, the girlfriend's parents didn't get them a gift or card - even though my friend got one for them. So my friend has a theory that they are miffed to be turned down again. She could be wrong and they may just have forgotten, but it's a bit weird that they got nothing for my friend and her husband. The girlfriend's parents are HUGE social butterflies who don't like people saying 'no' and insist EVERYONE comes over on Christmas day... So the chances are high that they took umbrage.

Upshot is, people should just stay in their own home over Christmas day and Boxing day, stop trying to please everyone else, and just enjoy Christmas with the people who they live with/are very close to...

I think it’s perfectly usual to have anniversary cards redirected the house when it was 3 days after you were supposed to be leaving.

What. On. Earth. Are you on about?

If it's not a stealth boat then why all the pointless info about your lifestyle?
Your second post sounds like you neither like them or want to host them at all. So don't. Again you don't actually say that anyone has asked you to host anyway only that you could because of you paid for home.
What does your husband think about hosting his family?

We were dragged 200 miles every year to spend bloody Christmas with my parents' parents. My mother hated it, having to hide our pressies and wrap everything for hers and Dad's side and stow it all in the bonnet with all our clothes and stuff (this was in the days before online ordering). All crammed into my mum's parent's tiny terrace house. Finally, when the oldest two of our family reached their teens they started kicking off about why we could never have bloody Christmas in our own house! My mum was so relieved.

trojanpony - one of the things that has genuinely happened. PIL left and then anniversary cards popped through the door for them. I was surprised - recognised the writing, phoned up the person and they said "oh i was told to send them to yours."

Notso - a) with respect to your first post at no point i have said don't alternate, others have so don't pick on me with that pls b) i was trying to give examples of ways in which boundaries have been stepped over. I am sorry it wasn't an example where they took the last potato or claimed the last blanket leaving tiny tim to freeze but hey, c) implications have been made, and i am wondering how to deal with a situation ie: if I am being bamboozled by stealth considering their past behaviour (after all it is to get rail loaded by stealth hence the amount of CF threads on here) or if i am being uptight. S

So pls go and hector someone else