To ask how to make life work with a shift worker?

[TinyClanger27]

Posting in desperation for advice!

I have a very long term partner, now dh, who I love very much and with whom I have two gorgeous children (6 and 1).

Eighteen months ago DH made the decision to leave his steady but dull office job to join the police, which meant that he was away training for the last five months of my second pregnancy, which I found seriously tough with a 2 year old, full time job, a breech bump and him missing scans etc.

However, ever since he finished his training and started the usual Police shift pattern I have found it so hard that I just seem to be grumpy, resentful and teary all the time!

Due to his previous debt issues I had to go back to work full time when ds was only six months so now work in a really stressful role managing 30 people from 8:00 to 17:00 Monday to Friday.

He is then out at work 4 nights out of every ten, out by six am 2 mornings out of ten, frequently has his rest days whilst I am at work (and the kids with nursery or grandparents) or needs us to be out of the house at weekends to let him sleep off night shifts.

The last straw has come over Christmas as he was meant to have Christmas Day off but found out he had to work at 3pm on Christmas Eve. He was allowed to do some of the shift from home but had an earpiece in and had to respond to three calls whilst we were opening presents and sorting Christmas Dinner. He has worked every day since Christmas Eve whilst I have finally been off work and will be pretty much working until I go back.

I know I should be proud of him, and I am, but I am so lonely and exhausted and get so bitter about seeing families together at weekends and our whole life revolving around his shifts for any plans for me or the two little ones. Since the summer he has had 1/7 weekends off and I am just about ready to cry as this is seemingly our life, and our Christmases, forever and I just really want to enjoy the children being small.

I know so many people have it far worse so wanted to ask how people cope and what you do to make life more enjoyable and worthwhile, as it currently feels like a never ending slog for minimal reward. Xx

You poor thing, I have no really good advice, but bumping for you a little (as a shift worker myself, hence up at this crazy hour!) but all I would say is you are I the very teeth of it now with two very young children (will assume the six-year old is a typo as you said you had a 2 year old just 18 months ago), you have a very full on job and he has just started in the police so is probably getting all the crappy shifts etc.

I don’t think you should have to clear out of the house just cos he’s had night shifts, DP and DD watch telly in the next room after my night shifts and I just sleep cos I am tired, just as long as the kids aren’t coming in and bouncing on him!

On his days off then he needs to make a bit of an effort, picking the kids up, meeting you in your lunch hour etc, but hopefully it will get easier!

My dp is a shift worker (security) and I have 2 younguns myself.

You shouldn't have to clear off out of the house when he's sleeping in the day and he should be making more of an effort. Especially to make sure he's still involved in family life.

My advice would be to try get in a routine for night shifts as theyre generally the kicker, dp has just come in from one, he's gonna sleep til 1/2ish, we'll go out for a bit, he'll entertain the kids whilst I cook tea (we have it a bit earlier on a night shift night) then get ready and go to work at 5pm, thats our rough routine.

Unfortunately the working days hes ment to be off just comes with the territory

Why doesn't he wear ear plugs?!
I work shifts and I've never sent my family out of the house so I can sleep.
I think you need to talk to him about it. Yes, he has to do his job but there could and should be more effort made to feel like a family.

Op, I feel for you. My exdh was police, working the same shift pattern. I have some flexibility in my work which helped with child care but ultimately our lives revolved around his shifts, and was one of the reasons we split up.

I wouldn't leave the house because he's sleeping off a night shift, he needs to get used to a bit of noise during the day.
I'd also speak to him regarding making more of an effort on rest days. Why are the dcs at nursery when he's able to spend the day with them?

The police are generally pretty good at family friendly shifts so he should be able to request a change to shift patterns so he gets a regular day off each week (My ex refused to even ask for this) but it's something you either get used to, or do what I did and leave.

I know how you feel. DH is also a police officer, also on that 6 on 4 off pattern of misery (most of the time - he’s actually just done a few months’ stint in a role where he has had most weekends off which has been bliss, but he’s back to his usual rota at the end of January ). Agree with pps you shouldn’t have to leave the house when he’s sleeping. My two are 1 and 4 and loud, and I only go out if we have stuff to do. Otherwise he wears headphones and listens to music or audiobooks to block us out. He’s also found that getting up at a reasonable time before nights but going back to bed for a nap when the kids go to bed messes up his sleep schedule less, and gives us more family time. A lot of evenings he is here we try to make sure we do something together - play a board game or watch a film, then I quite enjoy doing my own thing the evenings he isn’t. He gets time to do his own thing when he gets rest days while the rest of us are out. And if he’s off during the week he always makes sure he does school drop-off and pick-up, and will generally only send DS2 to the childminder for a couple of hours, so he gets to spend time with both of them.

It is a crap pattern though so I do sympathise. I’m dreading going back to it!

Id make him find a different job. Hes doing his dream but the rest days without kids are a joke. Hes not helping you at all. The rates of divorce for the police are staggering. You need him to focus on your kids not a job he ca do when theyre older x

If he has a rest day then why is he still sending kids to grandparents? I can understand Nursery if paid for, and use that time for housework or food shop or batch cook or whatever. But not Grandparents.

DH works shifts, and it has it’s massive pros and cons. He used to work Two weekends a month, now it’s one per month. He gets lots of days off during the week when DCs and I are at school, which can be annoying! However he does all the cooking and house stuff when he’s off, which is brilliant. He works in London, and if his job were to change to normal office hours, with his commute we’d see even less of him, so it works for us at the moment.

That sounds really really hard. My Dh works 2x6am-6pm then 2x6pm-6am. Then has 5.5 days free.

Simply put you have to plan and you have to really look after yourself. When DH comes off his first night shift he goes to sleep at his parents' house if it is a weekend. We have a cleaner.

I dont understand how he has only had one weekend free in 7 weeks? Is he taking on extra shifts? Having leave cancelled?

Is this something that will change over time? What are his options ambitions in the police?

Earplugs, sleep mask and a white noise machine if the noise is just persistant (or your ears are sore). I'm a seriously light sleeper and always managed to sleep well after night shifts. He can't ask you to clear out of the house, that's unfair. He could maybe sleep for four/six hours, get up to spend time with you all and go back for more sleep later?

I feel you, plus to add insult to injury DH is always telling people how great his shifts are for helping me with the children

He gets rest days during the week when they're at school / nursery but I do evenings / nights / weekends on my own. I think there's only one person it works out well for 🙄

My husband works shifts and you do get used to it. Like pp suggested try to come up with a routine so you can all plan and be prepared for what’s going to happen on the rest days. Does he enjoy the job? And no don’t leave the house! He’ll soon get used to sleeping with noise.

It’s not working for you though is it. To be honest I would look into joining the police myself, sounds like he gets far more time off than you do.

Yes as others say, don't leave the house so he can sleep! You need to carry on as no, he will adapt.

I found the long weekends alone while dh worked brutal. However, there are some upsides:
On his days off he can do nursery drop off and pick up
Get on top of the laundry/cleaning/shopping so you don't have to do it at the weekend
When he's off on a normal grandparent day he can spend the day with the kids

DP does the exact same shift pattern and we have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. It's fucking hard sometimes, you have my sympathy completely.

He's been doing this shift pattern for about two years now. It's slowly starting to do my head in and we've had chats about how it might be time to change for a while.

However the one thing that has helped me most is to accept it. It's his job, and it's a very important one. Most of the time he loves it. So this is how it is. One good side is that it actually allows me to work a lot more than if he was doing a 9-5 job - earlies, nights and days off mean he can do the bulk of the childcare pick ups in a way that would be very hard to do if we both worked standard hours.

The weekends are difficult, as are night shifts when we're at home - we do tend to go out a bit and let him sleep but it's not expected of us. But we're getting there.

My advice would be you either have to decide if these hours are an absolute deal breaker and you need him to change - but if not, you need to let go of the resentment because it will just eat you up.

I'm typing this quietly as my husband is in bed having worked a nightshift last night (Police Inspector). Like yours, he worked Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing day but will now be off until 2nd January. We have a 9 year old and It is sometimes difficult but please don't put your life on hold waiting for his weekends off you've just got to do stuff on your own. There are some advantages to shift work - I very rarely go shopping at the weekend - he does during the week when it's quiet and he's also often able to go to school things during the week when I am at work. He also, before we had a cleaner, would clean the house on his rest days as he was on his own in the house.
With regard to Christmas, he won't be working every Christmas - it tends to be either Christmas or New Year.
Having said all this. I do sympathise as it's not easy but it does get better (or you get better at coping with it) I promise.
And yes, I do tend to keep out of the house when he is sleeping after a night shift - that is probably the worse bit but he needs his sleep!

To be honest, I work shifts and my OH has a ‘normal’ Monday to Friday type job. I often sleep when he’s up and often work on his days off and vice versa. I work away quite a lot too. I worked on xmas day this year and finally on my days off now (yay) but we have never felt a negative impact on our family by this schedule. We make it work. We knew what we were signing up for when we made our career choices. Our time together is even more special now because we don’t have the luxury of sitting down together every night for dinner or having every Sunday off together. I think you need to try and change your outlook. Your hubby is doing an incredible job, you and your children should be so so proud of him! I think this new career should be a positive thing for all of you and you should embrace this change. I don’t agree that he asks you to leave the house whilst he is sleeping because anyone who works in shift work knows you can’t ask the rest of the world to stop just because you have! He needs to learn to adapt to his new schedule, as do you all. Good luck and lots of respect to your hubby xx

As lovely as it is that he's able to do such an important job it should be to the detriment of his family. You should never leave the house to allow him to sleep, its your home and he should take steps to ensure he is able to sleep through any normal household noised. Also It doesn't sound like he takes care of the children when he's off and able to do so, does he help around the house, cook dinner for when you get in etc? The lack of family time and debts would be deal breakers for me, and i'm afraid to say it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

Am 17yrs into this shit too @TinyClanger27 and now trying to deal with my own work (self employed with 16staff) 3DC and cancer treatments around his shift

Slight difference is I used to work for the same force so have a better understanding of the pressure they're under. It's horrific I can cope with the shift work, it's the CONSTANT change in shifts to allow for court/training that just about drives me insane as it's always done with NO notice.

Do NOT leave the house for him to sleep off a nightshift. Sod that. DH has learned to sleep through everything.... for example he's currently sleeping through the fact that the pups need out and whilst I am utterly exhausted I'll still do it.........

There are advantages to shift work, you just need to get used to a different way of life from the Mon-Fri 9-5 brigade.

Oh and wait for the mid week nights out because that's their rest days. Those are an absolute joy

Shift work you can probably plan and work around if he is reasonable and open to discuss. However, you mention going back to work to pay off his debts- how were those debts acquired? Do you feel resentful that you had to go back because of him, and now you are doing even more? Resentment is a killer so you probably need to discuss this with him too.

Hi Op, it does get easier however it’s a hard slog at first, does your husband do 6 on 4 off (2 earlies, 2 lates ,2nights?) believe it or not this is one of the better shifts out there!!

Your husband does need to adjust himself though, for example learning to sleep around noise... earplugs... as come summer holidays it’s not realistic and not fair on you to always be out with the kids. Everyone now and then is fine but it’s got to be from both sides!
Weekends off are pretty dire, I think at one point my DH and I went three weeks without seeing each other as we were like passing shifts in the night.
I think a large part is getting your head around the situation..... that it’s like this at the moment but it won’t be like this forever.
Book a day off work midweek when your husband it off to spend some time together?
The police has so many roles with so
Many shift patterns that honestly it won’t be like this forever!

Why are the children going to grandparents on his days off? That's when he should be spending time with them surely?

My partner is police although we don’t have children. We make our life work by planning our time together and communicating as well as we can. I work very long hours too and to be honest he does more around the house than I do. We talk a lot by text when we can’t be in the same place at the same time.

My DP has a regular weekday off each week and every other weekend (unless they’re reserved dates like carnival or New Years). Otherwise a mix of days/nights. There are so many positions/teams within the police, with a young family your DP really needs to look to move to one with better shift patterns to enable him to contribute to family life, support you and not miss his children growing up. Working 6/7 weekends is not usual for most teams even in the police IME.

I agree if he has a day off then the children should not be packed off to grandparents/nursery, or perhaps nursery if it’s already paid for and he’s using most of the time for the household/family. If he is having regular child-free days off work, perhaps he should be facilitating you to have the same. You don’t leave the house for him to sleep! He chose to take this job knowing he lives with her people, he finds a way to sleep during the day without inconveniencing you.

It just doesn’t sound like you’re a team tackling things together. Have this conversation with him. What are his suggestions to improve things?

Exactly @PhoenixJasmine on nursery days if he's off work then he can catch up on household tasks and meet op for lunch. On grandparents days then he has them! I honestly find it bizarre that they'd still be sent to grandparents if he's off.

I also work that shift pattern. It's actually the best I've worked in 13 years. Don't leave the house for him to sleep. He will just have to learn. I do most of the school runs, with my mid week days off I get to go to assembly's at school and help on trips. There should be overtime available to clear some of the debt and his pay will be going up soon. Christmas if he gets in quick can be booked off 15 months in advance. I try and get it off alternate years. All the admin stuff that needs done while you're at work he can do, shopping, bank stuff much easier to clear your weekends. He can also do more childcare to take the pressure off the grandparents