To ask how to make life work with a shift worker?

[TinyClanger27]

Posting in desperation for advice!

I have a very long term partner, now dh, who I love very much and with whom I have two gorgeous children (6 and 1).

Eighteen months ago DH made the decision to leave his steady but dull office job to join the police, which meant that he was away training for the last five months of my second pregnancy, which I found seriously tough with a 2 year old, full time job, a breech bump and him missing scans etc.

However, ever since he finished his training and started the usual Police shift pattern I have found it so hard that I just seem to be grumpy, resentful and teary all the time!

Due to his previous debt issues I had to go back to work full time when ds was only six months so now work in a really stressful role managing 30 people from 8:00 to 17:00 Monday to Friday.

He is then out at work 4 nights out of every ten, out by six am 2 mornings out of ten, frequently has his rest days whilst I am at work (and the kids with nursery or grandparents) or needs us to be out of the house at weekends to let him sleep off night shifts.

The last straw has come over Christmas as he was meant to have Christmas Day off but found out he had to work at 3pm on Christmas Eve. He was allowed to do some of the shift from home but had an earpiece in and had to respond to three calls whilst we were opening presents and sorting Christmas Dinner. He has worked every day since Christmas Eve whilst I have finally been off work and will be pretty much working until I go back.

I know I should be proud of him, and I am, but I am so lonely and exhausted and get so bitter about seeing families together at weekends and our whole life revolving around his shifts for any plans for me or the two little ones. Since the summer he has had 1/7 weekends off and I am just about ready to cry as this is seemingly our life, and our Christmases, forever and I just really want to enjoy the children being small.

I know so many people have it far worse so wanted to ask how people cope and what you do to make life more enjoyable and worthwhile, as it currently feels like a never ending slog for minimal reward. Xx

My DH is police too and it can suck! I can't work at the moment as we have no family to help out but am looking at teacher training when DS turns 3 as I need to get out to work and teaching is the only career I can see working long term.
Most days their are positives to his shifts yes he sometimes (alot) works weekends but at least he's about to help with the school run some days and Dd1 loves it when daddy picks her up from school. And he works a 4 on 4 off shift pattern (supposedly) so in the holidays he gets extra days off with the kids and not just the weekend when everything is packed. He managed to protect his Christmas rest days and put holiday in before so was off 10 days over Christmas this year and we had an amazing time although he does mostly work Christmas so I understand how awful that is especially as you thought he was off!!
My DH does have to put up with us being about when he's been on nights as with no family we have no where to go I even have extra kids alot as I job share with a friend and we look after the others DCs while they work. He's just had to learn to sleep through the noise (he's always been able to sleep through a thunderstorm so not difficult for him really)
Good luck with it I hope things start to settle into routine soon it really does take time and effort on both parts DH does little bits to help me out before he goes to work like fill dds water bottle and put it in her bag ready for school that little bit of effort really can make a difference.

I feel for you OP. When I was pregnant I posted a similar thread and was stayed 😫
Because it is such an important job and people have to do it basically I was told I was BU and how dare I think about asking him to quit.

It is so hard

Stayed? Flamed!

It is hard op. I think, for me anyway, it just becomes a way of life. DH is in the police, I’m not but I’m also a shift worker. He’s full time and I’m only two days a week. I think what helps me is I grew up with my parents both being shift workers too (my dad was in the police too). From being tiny my brother and I were used to our parents sleeping at odd times, being out of the house overnight. My parents then divorced and my mum took a permanent nightshift job and my GM stayed with us over night (or dad if he was off) and mum slept when we were at school. DH finds it a bit harder as his parents had ‘normal’ jobs.

We never leave the house for anyone to sleep though. Well obviously we do if we want to 😂 but if DH has been n/s and is sleeping we don’t go out if we don’t want to. Obviously we do try to be fairly quiet and so does he when I’m sleeping but we just get on with it. We sleep with a fan on which drowns out a lot of noise. Our only bathroom is upstairs so there’s kids up and down to use the loo etc.

The shift patterns can be hard. I’m very lucky that my boss is good with changing my shifts if we’re really stuck. Our ds has autism and our only childcare is my mum and step dad and my dad. Like a pp said we can be like ships in the night, I’m coming in the door as he’s going out etc. We try and book annual leave together if we can and if we happen to get a day off together then we absolutely make sure we spend it together.

I’m sure some people are horrified (my aunt was when I was a child ) at my childhood and our life now but honestly it does work for us. There are benefits, we frequently have days off during the week to go to schools things or just to be there for ds before and after school. We know dhs shift pattern pretty much for the next year assuming his role doesn’t change so I try and plan using that as best I can. But I know it isn’t for everyone and I’ve seen lots of people give it up.

basically I was told I was BU and how dare I think about asking him to quit.

It is an important job, but like I said above it shouldn't be to the detriment of his family. Shift work can be very helpful to families, meaning a parent can go to school events get cleaning done etc. However, if that parent decides to use rest days for their own benefit rather than to benefit the family then it can be a perfect excuse to be a lazy fucker who shirks family responsibilities, and it sounds like the OPs other half is the latter of the 2.

Thanks for all the responses - feeling a bit overwhelmed!

I know he does an incredible job and he does do a lot with the kids and the house but because it is so hard to get anything done with the two dc in tow we never seem to get on top of any of the life admin stuff!

Think I am just moping as Christmas has been really hard. Plus I have a lovely winter lurgy and have been up with the one year-old since six but he has come in at 7 and gone straight to bed for the foreseeable!

My OH is a shift worker as a paramedic, it can be annoying but we just work out the weekends we are both free and make plans for then, otherwise we just chill out individually (we just bought a house so a lot of it is doing it up). It gets easier, he has also learned to sleep through anything- eventually he was tired enough he slept and now I can go about my normal life when he's on night shifts

There is a huge difference between working shifts and working for the police IMO. Police officers can't just drop something at the end of their shift and overtime at the end of a shift is commonplace. Rest days are routinely canceled for court etc (I'm the horrible person who has to do this currently ) or operations etc. It's normal to be expected to work 7 days on the bounce. I'm only staff, not an officer but honestly I would never recommend the police as a job to anyone!

I have seen couples who make it work, but they are usually both officers or one is an officer and they other works in the control room. They work the same shift pattern, so have their rest days off together.

My husband has also recently joined the Police so I get what you mean. I struggle to not feel resentment that DH has time off in the week when i am at work Mon-Fri 8-5 and DS is at childcare. I am only ever at work or with DS so it can get hard.

Things we do that help:

• DH shoulders more of the housework now. It is easier for him to do it when the house is empty. I still do the daily maintenance at the end of the day as I always have, but he now does all the bathroom cleaning, bed changing, ironing etc.

• If DH is going to be home at tea time that week, he shops and cooks.

• if we are both off on a weekend, he will have DS so that I can have some time to myself.

• if DH needs to sleep, I will take DS out somewhere so that he is less likely to be disturbed.

I have no real advice but can sympathise as my husband was a paramedic for 6 years when we were younger. We didn't have kids back then but it was still hard as he was always recovering from a night shift. I think in that time he was off on one Christmas Day and worked all the rest. I don't have any family in the UK so I always spent my Christmases with my pet rabbit. The rabbit is ace though so can't complain!

I hope things settle for you soon OP. As others have said, it will get easier when the kids are a bit older. And maybe your husband will have some changes in his shift patterns soon? Or maybe he'll be able to take a couple of days off on top of his rest days and you could all spend a bit of quality time together?

Married to a policeman too. The shifts are a nightmare - we have two young ones. One school age, one toddler. I work full time, termtime too. We work a tight routine of dayshift - I do drop offs, pick ups, backshift he does drop offs, I do pick ups, nightshift he does drop offs and pick ups. I never clear out of house to let him sleep unless we have plans - he has learned to sleep through normal noise!! He does dinners most nights when he is there and we batch cook. I do all bedtimes. We have got a weekly cleaner which has been lifesaving! Sometimes it feels like a drudge but there are payoffs - he is off through week so 'life admin' stuff can be done and it means my weekend can be with kids, he is able to spend more quality time with our wee one, we treasure our days off and try to do things together. Happy to chat if you want to PM.

What would his response be if you said "I also have a dream job DH and like yours it involves ever changing unsociable shifts"? Would he be enthusiastic and supportive and want to make it work, or would he take a "but you can't do that, who would look after the dc?" approach?

Yes, tell him youre going to do nurse training.

he really must pull his weight on rest days - getting ahead with laundry, ironing, filling the freezer - so that on days when you are solo parenting it's a bit easier.

He needs to make sure he's not always saying yes to extra work. There are times when this is unavoidable, and other time when he'll have to take his turn, but equally he cannot be expected to work ridiculous hours all the time. My DH is a police officer, and I have a job that involves some on call working. He is very clear that on my on-call days someone else needs to pick up the overtime so he can do the childcare.

And not all police posts are equal. If this is really unsustainable, he should be forming a plan to secure a police post with a less punishing rota. They are out there, even at PC/DC level.

My husband has worked shifts for the last 36 years. He has managed to sleep for all those years whilst bringing up two children and me working too. It will take an adjustment but you can't leave henhouse every time he is nights.
That is just ridiculous!

Why are they called 'rest days' and not days off?

@70sbaubles because if you've worked a night shift the night before, it's not a day off

Not sure if all the same as DH is specialised force but he has rest days and Z days and are paid at different overtime rate Z day is kind of on call so lower overtime rate

I used to work shifts and although not Police was similar to your DH that days off or annual leave often got cancelled at short notice and it was the sort of job where you couldn't just walk out when your shift finished, you had to stay if something was kicking off. It was very full on and I was exhausted a lot of the time but I never would have expected my family to clear out of the house when I was on nights, he's taking the piss there. I invested in good quality blackout blinds, a white noise machine and some ear plugs and that did the trick. If he has his rest days when the DC are at nursery then he should definitely be doing the lion's share of the housework, food shopping, meal prep, life admin etc. If he's not willing to do that then he needs to hire a cleaner to take some of the pressure off you. He shouldn't be palming the kids off on the grandparents on his rest days either, that's bound to cause resentment when you're having to deal with the DC on your own so much.