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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that when you have a baby, you learn who your true friends are?

46 replies

Carmana · 28/12/2018 23:50

I have a 10 week old baby and am trying to come to terms with a few of my friendships failing...

Since I had my son, I've had one friend avoid me completely (I believe this is because she has fertility issues and finds it hard seeing me with a baby. She admitted this about one of our mutual friends so suspecting it's the same for me). One friend just doesn't get in touch anymore or respond to my messages (very out of character but happened as soon as DS was born). Another friend has openly joked with me about how I'm going to be boring now I'm breastfeeding as I can't go on nights out. I suggested we stayed in occasionally but that idea was shot down instantly because it's 'boring'.

I'm feeling quite down about this. My friends seem to be dropping like flies...

Has anyone else found this? Or is it just me? :(

OP posts:
CanaryFish · 28/12/2018 23:53

Had the same experience, I’m sorry I have no advice.
One person in particular didn’t even give me a chance to prove I’m not “a baby bore” or whatever just I was dead to them the minute the baby was born. Makes me sad but it just proves that person isn’t worth my time

Bubba1234 · 28/12/2018 23:53

It happens it’s a hard lesson to learn

Original poster
Carmana · 28/12/2018 23:56

Isn't it just @Bubba1234

That's a shame @CanaryFish - it's funny isn't it. We don't suddenly become boring people who only talk about baby stuff (well I haven't anyway). It's just going to be a few months until I can go out without baby as he's EBF.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 28/12/2018 23:57

Congratulations on your baby! Try joining some baby groups. You will meet other mums who can share this experience with you.

Tbh, when I was child free I wanted to be out at the weekend, not staying in, so I can sympathize with that friend. I'm sure your friend still wants to see you but also wants to continue to go out etc as presumably you did before you had a baby.

ScreamingBadSanta · 28/12/2018 23:57

I found the same but from the opposite perspective - I lost friends when they all had babies and started doing baby-themed things together which I couldn't join in with.

You are right that a test of a true friendship is whether it can survive when your circumstances become different.

I hope you find some new friends who are less superficial Flowers.

Thetigerwhocameto · 28/12/2018 23:58

Yep it happens. We had a prem so quite a bit of a hospital stay. One of my friends didn’t contact at all during that time then took a month after we were out to meet DD, the only time she has met now 7 month old dd 🙄 she complained to a mutual friend that my life now revolves around DD... does that really surprise anyone when looking after a tiny, tiny human with a few health issues 🙄

OwlinaTree · 28/12/2018 23:59

Thing is no one means to be a baby bore. But I found it really hard to join in chat about stuff when I had little babies as I hadn't been doing anything else other than look after a baby, so what could I talk about?!

Twowaystreet · 28/12/2018 23:59

Happens both ways, OP. I had two friends who had had babies dump me within 6 months of having their babies and I was interested in them!!!

OwlinaTree · 29/12/2018 00:00

screaming I found that a bit tbh too.

decemberfrost · 29/12/2018 00:01

Does happen. Lost a few mates myself.

Gained more though through baby groups/going to playbarn/going to park/taking kids swimming etc... And at the school I made several friends too.

Don't worry too much. It's just a different road you're walking down now. It will get better.

Unlikely your friends who are drifting away now will come back though....... (Sorry!)

Liverbird77 · 29/12/2018 00:01

I am currently having a baby...in hospital right now. I can't wait to meet him. I am sure I shall see less of some people but I wouldn't trade this for my old life.

You'll find new friends, OP, and you'll always have your beautiful baby.

babysharkah · 29/12/2018 00:01

In a couple of years you'll come out the other side and those that are worth being friends with will still be friends. Unless they have their own tinies and the you need to give them a couple of years and then they'll be normal again too.

Cautionsharpblade · 29/12/2018 00:01

I agree with ScreamingBadSanta, it goes both ways. I've lost countless friends to motherhood.

I'm not that bothered any more - my friends don't necessarily change once they've had a baby but the baby comes along whenever we meet up, and that is boring. Seriously, babies have no craic.

positivepixie · 29/12/2018 00:01

I think this happens to everyone to some extent. If I'm honest, I distanced myself from friends who had babies way before I did because I didn't understand what they were going through and selfishly had no interest in babies at that point (not proud of this, just being honest!).
You'll make new friends and you may come back together with some of your old ones once they have kids. Best advice is to try to let it upset you, you can't change it so focus on people who do want to spend time with you.

Original poster
Carmana · 29/12/2018 00:02

What a shame @Twowaystreet - I can't even get a text back from a couple of my friends.

I genuinely believe that if you're a true friend, you'll deal with the lack of going out and will adapt to different circumstances.

I can still go to restaurants, I can still go to the pub, I just have a very little, usually sleeping baby with me.

I've never been a drinker so that's not going to change. It's such a shame...

OP posts:
TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 29/12/2018 00:04

Yup, got married 18 months ago and had 2 bridesmaids. One has been over once to see us and our 16 week old, one hasn't bothered despite offering to meet her out for lunch. It's a sad time in my life in some aspects.

Twowaystreet · 29/12/2018 00:04

It is hard. I'm sure you'll make new friends at baby groups. You sound like a really kind person.

Original poster
Carmana · 29/12/2018 00:04

That's a shame @Cautionsharpblade - I never resented my friends for bringing their tiny baby. They don't do much, you can swear in front of them, you can have normal conversation etc. It was never an issue for me when my friends had babies! I was usually the first to offer to babysit because I cared about my friends. Children or not!

OP posts:
TisTheSeasonToSparkle · 29/12/2018 00:05

Try the Mum meetup app Mush, to meet local Mum's. They won't be "bothered" by you having a baby obvs.

nanny2012nanny · 29/12/2018 00:06

Im on the other side ( although I’ve been in childcare for 20 years, so not adverse to children! ) I don’t have my own children because of health reasons and I have lost a few friends since they have had babies as they have lost their identity so I think it’s 50 / 50

ShatnersWig · 29/12/2018 00:07

I'm with screaming on this too

iLoveFoood · 29/12/2018 00:07

Some people just have no interest unfortunately I was one of those people a few year ago, really liked one of my good friends but when she got pregnant I just stopped speaking to her and hanging out with her or asking how she's doing. I feel bad about it and it's really selfish and I did apologize to her, but I guess it just comes down to me not wanting anything to do with someone with a baby when I wasn't really at that age nor was anyone I knew.

Original poster
Carmana · 29/12/2018 00:08

@nanny2012nanny do people really lose their identities though? Surely some people just change a bit. I'm exactly the same person. I have an identity. I just can't go out to places where babies aren't allowed. This will change in a few months and I'll be able to go out without DS. That's not a very long wait for a good friend.

Maybe I'm just too sentimental over my friends...

OP posts:
Cautionsharpblade · 29/12/2018 00:09

@Carmana sounds like you like babies - not everyone does!
Congratulations on your baby boy btw Smile

Original poster
Carmana · 29/12/2018 00:10

I'm the first of my friendship group to have a baby. I'm not off with other mums doing baby stuff. I've been to groups but can't click with anyone. I'm on my own a bit now. Never had a huge friendship group and now I don't seem to have one at all. It's so sad.

OP posts:
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