in thinking that when you have a baby, you learn who your true friends are?

[Carmana]

I have a 10 week old baby and am trying to come to terms with a few of my friendships failing...

Since I had my son, I've had one friend avoid me completely (I believe this is because she has fertility issues and finds it hard seeing me with a baby. She admitted this about one of our mutual friends so suspecting it's the same for me). One friend just doesn't get in touch anymore or respond to my messages (very out of character but happened as soon as DS was born). Another friend has openly joked with me about how I'm going to be boring now I'm breastfeeding as I can't go on nights out. I suggested we stayed in occasionally but that idea was shot down instantly because it's 'boring'.

I'm feeling quite down about this. My friends seem to be dropping like flies...

Has anyone else found this? Or is it just me? :(

In my case this friend and I would chat every day online, this didn’t change I was as available as I ever was in that respect but I was written off once the baby was born that I was no longer worth speaking to

Even if I didn't like babies I think I would just deal with it if it came to losing a close, long term friend if I didn't...

I can't believe how many people would just openly ditch a good friend because they had a baby. Fair enough if that's what you want, but ouch...

I found it the other way with at least two of my so-called friends. I bought some lovely baby things from Next for one of them after she had her baby and she kept making excuses every time I tried to arrange a time to drop them round. I know it’s hard after you have a baby and I didn’t expect her to host me or anything like that. In the end I was thinking the baby will have grown out of the gifts by the time he actually got them so I phoned up one day and asked if I could drop them off and she sort of said yes but sounded non commital. Drove to her house and she wouldn’t even open the front door to me! I ended up pushing them through the letter box and the wrapping paper ripped as pushed them through. I’ve got children so I was conscious not to be demanding of visits I just wanted to hand her the gift. Didn’t get a text or card or any acknowledgement. Just plain rude.

@Carmana
Yes from my personal experience all of my ten plus friends who have had children have totally lost their identities.
I didn’t say for one minute I ditched them o just choose not to socialise with them on a Saturday evening and go for a dog walk / coffee instead!

@Anothermothersusername oh no. That's so sad after you went to that effort. I'm sat here desperate for visitors, and getting none. Equally as sad...

@Anothermothersusername you've just reminded me of one I had: "when you come round don't ring the bell in case I'm breastfeeding, just leave the gift on top of the wheelie bin"

Hmm I haven't had this problem. Dc are 4 and 6 and I've retained all my closest friends, childless or otherwise.

Key rules are don't talk about the baby too much and don't bring them with you in the evening!

its totally 50 / 50 what’s important in your life i:e your new born (and congratulations by the way) isn’t so important in someone else’s life, they may see their career or their dog or partner or their hobby as far more important than your baby

Yep. Best friend, who suspects she may have fertility issues in the future but it nowhere near trying yet, has found my having a baby hard to deal with. Said some very hurtful things, including that now I have a baby, all of my problems are erased. Another went rather cold initially but seems to be fine now. And yet another works a five minute walk down the road and hasn't made any attempt to visit or meet up with me and the baby.

It happens. It's sad but seems to be a fact of life. Fertility is a massive issue and can affect even the strongest friendships deeply.

@nanny2012nanny oh that wasn't directed specifically at you. I just meant generally.

Thank you. He's just amazing. I can't stop staring at him...

@spudlet7 I do understand what fertility issues can do to your mental health. I'm only in my mid 20s and have had 6 miscarriages. I found it hard being around friends with kids but I just cracked on. I had to. They're my friends 🤷🏽‍♀️ hard isn't it.

As a childless (through infertility issue) female, I've lost multiple friendships when they've had kids, they buddy up with mums at playgroups etc because they are going through the same things. Fair enough.

I try to reach out come for a coffee etc no can do, wee tootle has the sniffles, an appointment, a play date. Fair enough. But when he's 5 and at school do t expect me to drop everything to be your pal again.

I have friends with kids that I am absolutely involved in, take them places, take the kids myself, no issue.

Don't assume because I don't have a child that I don't want to be around them.

I’m another one who’s experienced the same as screaming, sadly.
My best friend of 20 years had a baby 2 years ago, and ever since, it’s like I don’t exist. She only wants to do baby related things, and her kid screams the place down if I am there, despite me having really good relationships with others kids. Because of this, I haven’t seen her since September, and she’s cancelled on me three times recently, as she’s ‘so tired’.

I think I need to accept our friendship is over, although it’s hurtful, and sad to me.

I’m just telling you this, so that you can see things from the other side. Maybe - quite understandably - you’ve got different priorities now. It shouldn’t mean that you have to lose the friendship, but a bit of give and tame both ways is needed.
Good luck, and hope your friendships survive this.

I'm the first of my friendship group to have a baby

After reading your OP I was going to say I bet you're the first of your friends to have a baby. And I bet you're quite young too, because that stuff about staying in being "boring" sounds like something only a teenager would say.

For me it hasn't really changed much, but most of my friends already had children or were having them around the same time. So we just do different things than we used to. Sunday mornings at soft play instead of Saturday nights at a nightclub.

Oh I'm so sorry for your losses @Carmana You would think that your friends would be even more pleased for you after having had such a horrible time.

I'm lucky that my husband works from home so I'm never completely alone. But it would be nice to speak to an adult who isn't him a bit more frequently! Another very close friend and I text each other daily which is great, especially as she has a little one a bit older than mine. She keeps me sane most days!

But @Defender90 I AM trying to make an effort and have assumed (stupidly?) that I would have done support from my closest friends. One I've been close to since I was 5!

I understand that give and take is important but I've invited them to the house, said I will visit then, suggested going to the pub etc. Whatever is easiest for them and to let me know what date suits. Radio silence.

It's sad that it happens both ways, but that really isn't the case here. I'm desperate to get out. Have no friends around here. Haven't met anyone at parent/child groups. I'm sat in the house with my son desperate to see my friends who I will see in any setting which suits them. I'm trying really hard here...

@Carmana no worries!
My nieces and nephews and charges are very time consuming!
Hence my earlier comments!

@TheyMostlyComeAtNightMostly I'm 27 so definitely not a teenager but clearly my friends have teenage mentalities still.,, funny thing is is that we only ever went to the pub during the day anyway. Never nights out or heavy drinking etc.

Give it time.

You say yourself that you can’t stop staring at him. Your current friends can see that the focus of your attention has shifted and that you can no longer fully fulfill your role in the group.

Try harder to ‘click’ with other mothers. They are going to be your primary friendship group now.

Some of your existing friendships may survive, but you have to understand that the dynamic has completely changed.

I lost one friendship when I got pregnant because she was incredibly unpleasant about it. Definitely not due to fertility issues on her part: she'd never wanted kids, her husband wasn't fussed about kids if she didn't want them, and I know for a fact that she hadn't changed her mind. Also, I hadn't been a baby bore. I didn't have a chance because we only met once after I told her I was pregnant and she talked non-stop about herself, apart from the intervals when she seemed to be trying her best to make me cry, e.g. by telling me stories about women who were permanently disabled by childbirth. Shortly after that, she torpedoed the friendship in a very distressing way.

I think it was partly that we'd had an unhealthy dynamic where I was effectively her "parent" (she threw tantrums and I cleared up and made excuses for her, even after she got married) and she didn't want to share my attention. And partly that she had some massive unresolved issues with her mother, who was emotionally abusive and had always told her that she should have been aborted, so I think she couldn't stand to see me happy with my pregnancy (even though I tried for her sake to play it cool and not overdo the happiness). With hindsight, I'm desperately sorry for her but she would probably have done a lot of damage to my emotional health if she hadn't bailed when she did.

Other old friends were great, but I had a child relatively late and my friendship group had already shrunk and become more selective in the course of my thirties, so the remaining friends had already shown themselves to be "keepers" in the past.