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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH always wants to leave

51 replies

Bluekoalabear · 28/12/2018 23:05

DH and have been together for 10 years and have 2 DC. We've had our fair share of ups and downs as any couple does but for the most part we are great and he is a great dad. He tells me he loves me and we enjoy eachothers company. The only issue is that he likes to go round to his friends house to drink beer, play games and generally chill. Around 3-4 times a week. He normally goes out at around 6pm so before the children go to bed and gets home any time between 11 and 12. His friend lives with his long term girlfriend and they all hang out together often with other friends. I have no issue with him seeing his friends at all but I can't wrap my head around how he can not want to be at home so much. He tells me he is going out and asks if I mind and to be honest I end up just saying yes whatever as I feel like he should want to be at home with me in the evening and not forced. I'm happy to spend the evening alone watching netflix and am not pining for his company but I just find it strange. Is it strange?

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 28/12/2018 23:07

It’s very strange! He needs to grow up! However, you are enabling his behaviour.

posthistoricmonsters · 28/12/2018 23:10

I don't think that's very fatherly and partnerish behaviour.

If my OH was out four evenings a week, for up to six hours, I'd be super pissed. I have two evenings where I'm out for two to three hours. I don't have to miss the kids bedtime and I'm back to spend time with OH. It gives him time to do things he likes. But if I was out twice as many times and for that long, even he would be pissed at me.

Original poster
Bluekoalabear · 28/12/2018 23:13

@PurpleFlower1983 I have told him not to go in the past and have explained how it makes me feel. It had slowed down and then the festive period came around. I suppose I just feel as though he should want to be here without my say so.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 28/12/2018 23:13

What age is he OP? 16 ?

Seriously he needs to grow the fuck up.

RagingWhoreBag · 28/12/2018 23:13

3-4 times a week?! Are you sure he’s going to his friend’s house? Sounds excessive he spends as much, if not more, time with his friend as with you. I’d find that weird.

Maelstrop · 28/12/2018 23:14

Start telling him you do bloody mind. He's taking the piss and acting as though he's a single bloke. I'd go nuts if my DH did this.

Original poster
Bluekoalabear · 28/12/2018 23:16

@RagingWhoreBag yes definitely. They have come to us a few times over christmas and I have met up with them all with him on the rare occasion that we are child free. They are long standing childhood friends although we are the only ones with children

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 28/12/2018 23:21

How many nights a week do you get to go out with your friends?

3-4 nights out a week is way too much when you've got kids, he's taking the p*ss!

BumbleBeee69 · 28/12/2018 23:21

OP he’s behaving as though YOU are the only one with Children though.

RagingWhoreBag · 28/12/2018 23:22

I’m just thinking there must be something more of a draw than just his mate? Another (female) friend who also goes round? Are they big gamers? Weed smokers? What else is it that keeps dragging him away from his wife and kids? He sounds like a teenager not a married Man.

Itsallpointless · 28/12/2018 23:22

He’s taking the out and out piss!

I know exactly how you feel though, as ex was out EVERY night with his pot smoking lowlife mates. I wouldn’t allow it in our house so he thought it was ok to go out. I put up with this for many years hoping it would change, it didn’t, in fact it got worse.

I wasted many years, don’t do that to yourself. If he’s a decent blokeHmmtalk to him and tell him it isn’t the behaviour of a ‘man’ with children, see if you can sort it out. If you let him away with this, he’ll continue to do it, trust me.

Original poster
Bluekoalabear · 28/12/2018 23:27

Yes he does smoke weed. Always has. Not excessively but he does

OP posts:
Santaissleepingoffmincepies · 28/12/2018 23:28

Ah the man child.
Exh used to do this /threaten this.
Best day was when I threw him out.
And meant it.. Bliss.
Get rid of your cocklodger op.
Find a real partner.
Your life is passing you by.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 28/12/2018 23:29

Please don't tell me he gets in from work, eats dinner prepared by you then grabs his coat and goes out for the evening? This is what a teenager living at home does. Tell him he's just as much a parent as you are and if he can't bear to spend any time with you then at least help with the children's bedtimes before he fucks off for the evening.

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/12/2018 23:32

Relationship has had ups and downs - check!
DH/DP would rather be with his mates than his partner and kids - check!
DH/DP is a pot head - check!

Your partner is a waste of space and you are deluding yourself that this is a remotely positive relationship.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/12/2018 23:34

3 - 4 times A WEEK?? And he smokes weed. When you have 2 children. Time he grew the fuck up!

Original poster
Bluekoalabear · 28/12/2018 23:34

@MrsChook pretty much yes. I get in from work just after 5 he's already home as he collects the children from the child minder at 4. I make dinner, we eat together and if he is going to his friends house he will leave when dinner is finished.

OP posts:
Hohocabbage · 28/12/2018 23:34

Doesn’t sound like a great dad to me if he avoids spending time with them 3 or 4 nights a week

MumW · 28/12/2018 23:35

I get the not wanting to say no as I have similar feelings to DH and his football. Don't want to be the vilified wife who stops him. However, it's at most onenight playing (which is good for health), one afternoon or day a week and the occaissional mid week which are beginning to irk more than they used to.

You have to put a stop to this. Once a week at most otherwise you have ceased to be a family. He is behaving like a single man whilst you are the babysitter. He is not invested in you and the DC which is not on. Presumably you are either waiting up for him or he is disturbing you when he comes to bed late, which is also not on on a regular basis.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 28/12/2018 23:35

Have you posted this before? Seems awfully familiar.

Original poster
Bluekoalabear · 28/12/2018 23:36

By ups and downs I'm talking about child loss, life changing health conditions and mental health issues.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2018 23:36

Why be at home doing boring bed times, dinner, housework when he can be with his mates getting high?
How old are you and the kids
He needs to grow up and be a Dad

Popc0rn · 28/12/2018 23:37

If you've been together 10 years, has it always been like this?

Does he do much around the house?

Eilaianne · 28/12/2018 23:38

"strange" isn't the correct word here, there is no Normal.. only what works for individual couples.

But from what you've said it sounds like he's living the child free life still, and it hasn't really impacted his time or priorities.... Can you say the same for you? What would happen if you decided to act child free and go out four nights a week for six hours at a time? The family couldn't function, right? Well, there's your answer - if you've signed up to that and are happy, bash on. But if you want an equal co-parent, he's not there for you.

Is this what you'd want for your own DC when they grow up,...?

MumW · 28/12/2018 23:38

The weed would've been a deal breaker for me.

When you say he leaves after dinner, are you left with all the clearing up and getting the DC to bed.

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