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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH always wants to leave

51 replies

Bluekoalabear · 28/12/2018 23:05

DH and have been together for 10 years and have 2 DC. We've had our fair share of ups and downs as any couple does but for the most part we are great and he is a great dad. He tells me he loves me and we enjoy eachothers company. The only issue is that he likes to go round to his friends house to drink beer, play games and generally chill. Around 3-4 times a week. He normally goes out at around 6pm so before the children go to bed and gets home any time between 11 and 12. His friend lives with his long term girlfriend and they all hang out together often with other friends. I have no issue with him seeing his friends at all but I can't wrap my head around how he can not want to be at home so much. He tells me he is going out and asks if I mind and to be honest I end up just saying yes whatever as I feel like he should want to be at home with me in the evening and not forced. I'm happy to spend the evening alone watching netflix and am not pining for his company but I just find it strange. Is it strange?

OP posts:

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 28/12/2018 23:39

He waits for you to get in and make dinner? Does he not have any hands? I was hoping he'd have some redeeming features. I can't imagine wanting to spend the next 10 years of my life with this man-child.

Mummyshark2018 · 28/12/2018 23:39

Once a week imo to see the same friend would be normal, but 3-4 times is taking the piss. Plus drinking, smoking weed is not normal for a grown man with responsibilities- maybe an 18 year old. Do you ever get out?

Original poster

Bluekoalabear · 28/12/2018 23:43

It hasn't always been like this no. It was when we first got together but we were 19 and care free. We have a 4 year old and almost 8 year old and I would say the going has increased in the last year. This coincides with the loss of a child and me being diagnosed with MS.

OP posts:

AlpacaLypse · 28/12/2018 23:43

He's missing kid's bedtimes because he'd rather get stoned?? He's an arse. Baby bedtime is far more bonkers brilliantly funny than anything else - they come up with the most wonderful stuff. If he hasn't realised that yet then he's a twat.

damekindness · 28/12/2018 23:44

You could be me 20 years ago - exactly the same scenario. Eventually had enough and initiated a split (which he was terribly pissed off with - and of course he was he had all the advantages of a home and marriage with none of the downsides)

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2018 23:45

But you don't get to deal with your baby loss by getting stoned and avoiding the children still here with you, so why should he? Have you have any grief counselling? If he's struggling to cope, maybe that's an option?

Ethel36 · 28/12/2018 23:47

Sorry to say it is very strange...

Eilaianne · 28/12/2018 23:48

So at the point in your life together where you need each other most, need to strengthen the family bond with your two DCs.. he's fucked off even more and left you to all the parenting on top on health complications you have?

Tbh OP unless he's still mourning and has been showing concrete willingness to sort this out, e.g. maybe he's depressed but medication is being looked at, I'd suggest leaving this man child. He's failing you at a time he should be there for you alk(& you for him), at key childhood points for your little ones too. They WILL remember his not being there: hopefully in order to not put up with a significant others failure themselves when they grow up.

justgivemewine · 28/12/2018 23:48

Sorry but if my dh behaved like this he’d be out on his ear.

This is not normal for someone with his responsibilities. He’s needs to grow up/ man up and if the mental health problems you ,mentioned are his, then the weed smoking is only going to make things worse.

It all depends whether you are happy to continue like those. If so, then crack on, but if not, you ,any have some tough decisions to make

Littlemissdaredevil · 28/12/2018 23:48

Can I assume that since he is doing zero parenting or housework on his 3/4 evenings out he that he is doing 100% of the housework, cooking and parenting on the 3/4 in?

RemindMeToMoveTheElf · 28/12/2018 23:49

Is it like PlayStation or something? Does his mate and girlfriend want him calling over to them the whole time? This just sounds ... so shit for you, and incredibly selfish and dick-faced by him. What’s a good starting point for this?

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2018 23:50

I make dinner, we eat together and if he is going to his friends house he will leave when dinner is finished

He sounds like a child himself.

Although could it be that he's avoiding facing up to his grief by avoiding alone time with you where he might have to think about stuff?

theWarOnPeace · 28/12/2018 23:52

Getting deja vu from this thread, have you posted this before?

So yes, he’s behaving terribly, totally unfair on you. Going out 3-4 times a week to get stoned is just completely out of order. Does he do stuff with the children at weekends etc and help you otherwise?

Popc0rn · 28/12/2018 23:52

Sorry to hear that OP. Maybe he is struggling to come to terms with everything and is sticking his head in the sand and avoiding you and the kids if that makes sense? Not saying it excuses his behaviour, but maybe might explain it a bit if it's only changed in the last year?

Have you tried talking to him about it?

Cheerbear23 · 28/12/2018 23:52

Nope, if he’s in it for the long haul he needs to grow the fuck up and stay at home, doing his bit with the kids.
It’s brutal but He’s 100% taking the piss I’m afraid.

notangelinajolie · 28/12/2018 23:54

OP you have your answer. He is a drug addict. You and your DC's will always come second.

Original poster

Bluekoalabear · 28/12/2018 23:56

This is the thing, When he's at home he's great. Today I had work and he is still off for the Christmas holiday and he kept the kids entertained and fed, played with them, took all the decs down, hoovered and cleaned the bathroom. This is why it's so strange to me. Hes not a dick when he is home.

OP posts:

EustaciaPieface · 28/12/2018 23:57

We don’t have kids but I’d still be totally pissed off if my husband did this. Also, if I was partner of friend I’d be pissed off too! Why is he there so often?!!!

RemindMeToMoveTheElf · 29/12/2018 00:06

Yeah, but he holds it together when he ‘has to’ but pulls on his coat when he’s had his tea?

cstaff · 29/12/2018 00:06

So now that you need him more than ever he thinks it is ok to fuck off 3/4 nights a week and smoke pot.

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his family. This is not good enough.

Stormtrooper1986 · 29/12/2018 00:17

So he smokes weed and collects the children , how does he pick the children up? Does he drive? If so he will be drug driving ! I hate to sound harsh but if he is doing this are you happy to have your children driven by a drug driver ?????

The4thSandersonSister · 29/12/2018 00:24

Of course he's "great when he's home" OP he's hardly home so it's not as if he has put in any great effort. Add up how many hours you actually spend together each week. Then remove the eating/sleeping portion and what's left. Not much I bet. If you weren't cooking for him and washing his clothes would he even bother coming home or go straight to his mate/dealer.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 29/12/2018 00:27

Did you post about him a couple of months ago?
In my opinion he's either nobbing his mates girlfriend or wants to. You deserve so much better

Pernickity1 · 29/12/2018 00:33

He sounds like a teenager! It sounds really weird to me, I’d be putting my foot down or getting to the bottom of what he’s up to - are you SURE he’s at his friends house? Don’t they get bored/annoyed of him calling so often?

You deserve better OP. Im sorry you’ve had such a tough few years, I hope things improve for you

steff13 · 29/12/2018 00:39

How is he addressing his mental health diagnoses? Is he selling help to deal with the loss of your child? I don't want to make excuses for him, but we all deal with those things differently. It sounds to me like he's trying to hide.

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