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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have expected more gifts?

46 replies

ladylovesmilktray · 28/12/2018 22:21

I have a feeling AIBU but it’s been bugging me since Xmas! I know in an ideal world we don’t ‘give to receive’ in the way of Christmas gifts but I’m so tired of going to so much effort and thought for nothing. Every year I buy my sister, her two daughters and my BIL a gift each (totalling approx £50) but by return get a DVD or book from my sister (she says they all chip in for it which is why they don’t buy their own individual gift for me). I am single with no kids so should I expect to just receive the one gift rather than expect them to club in to get me something larger since I’ll be spending more on their family. My nieces are 20 and 24. Even writing this I feel like a miser. Should I mention it (I.e send a message saying ‘next year I’m only doing one gift per family!!’

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 28/12/2018 22:27

I don't think your situation is unusual. You should get your sister and her husband onr small gift and each niece a small gift and spend no more than £25. I don't think it's unusual for nephews and nieces not to buy themselves for aunts and uncles though.

Clearthinking · 28/12/2018 22:28

If the neices are working it would be nice to receive one from them. I don't and mine is 24 but I still buy for her as I'm not sure when cut off age Is, especially if they work aswell

Lovingbenidorm · 28/12/2018 22:29

I agree with you. It’s not about being greedy. The nieces should be buying presents themselves, they are grown ups ffs!
Also, I know it’s not about amount but don’t we all try to keep it vaguely equal?

Clearthinking · 28/12/2018 22:30

My aunt spends easily over 250 on me and siblings and I think only I send one back :-/

Birdsgottafly · 28/12/2018 22:31

I always spent the equivalent on my childless Sister, that she spent on me and my DDs.

What they get you is really stingy.

We've stopped doing Adult presents and it stops any Ill feeling.

They should spend more, if able to.

AmeliaMae · 28/12/2018 22:31

I give separate gifts from me and ds to my sister. So she gets at least two gifts from us even though I pay for both as ds is only 10. It seems like the right thing to do.

I think it would be fine for you to give one gift if that is what you are receiving.

Lovingbenidorm · 28/12/2018 22:31

My niece n nephew always buy presents for us (28 &30yo)
My dc (youngest is 15) also buy presents for my sisters family

Jettycinth · 28/12/2018 22:31

The nieces should be buying presents themselves, they are grown ups ffs!

I think it depends on the family dynamic. I don’t buy presents for any of my aunts or uncles, mainly because we’re not close and I don’t know them very well.

I think my parents still sign my name on cards/presents they give to their siblings though.

MissCharleyP · 28/12/2018 22:35

This always used to annoy me; I’d get one gift from friend and her family signed ‘From Sarah, Bob, Molly & Jon’ (not actual names) but always ended up buying separate gifts for friend & partner (usually photo frame or something for the house) and a gift each for DCs. I always ended up spending more, we stopped doing presents a couple of years ago.

LL83 · 28/12/2018 22:36

We buy for children of family so I wouldn't buy for adult nieces in future. Just say now youngest niece is 21 your stopping gifts. Really you don't have to say anything, just stop.

MissCharleyP · 28/12/2018 22:37

*Forgot to add I was single and childless.

CosySnuggles · 28/12/2018 22:49

I agree with pp that it depends on family dynamics. But my advice would be if it bothers you, match their spending and buy something 'for the family'.

I come from a large and varied family- a good mix of singles, couples, families with 1 child, families with 4 children. We have a total mixture of gift giving etiquettes.

For those I buy gifts for, the price tag really varies, and we tend to buy something that (at least we think) the recipient will appreciate, rather than worry too much about the exact cost. (We do stick to a budget, did I mention it's a large family...)

tombstoneteeth · 28/12/2018 22:50

I didn't get any presents. Not from anyone I bought for, and paid for Christmas dinner and booze for. Shit happens.

Fillybuster · 28/12/2018 22:55

Years ago, I used to get my dsis a single present or two from all of us (me, dh & 3 dcs). Admittedly it was always a pretty generous gift (I adore my dsis!) but it was just the one or two things....meanwhile she would get something perfect and thoughtful for each of us....

Then I read a thread a bit like this one on MN. From that point onwards, she got a proper gift from each of us, even when the dcs were super tiny. She was totally shocked the first year and very emotional about it. I could only say that it simply hadn’t occurred to me sooner.

Now she has her own family, so things are much more even, and it’s not an issue any more, but I’m so glad I read the thread on here a few years back and did something about it.

StoppinBy · 28/12/2018 22:55

I was just saying to my husband last night

'I wonder how long it will be until eldest DD notices that while we buy gifts for her cousins (my sister's boys) our kids never get anything in return'.

It sucks but unless you say something it will probably never change. If you have children in the future they will probably be more generous with them than they are with you I would hope.

SingaporeSlinky · 28/12/2018 22:56

I think it’s time to stop buying for your nieces, now they are in their 20s, and maybe get joint present for sis and bil.

NooMe · 28/12/2018 22:58

They're being unfair. Your DNs should be buying you a gift each also or your DSis should be buying you a few gifts. How can they all be chipping in for say a book? What, pay a pound each? That's very tight.

I would just buy one gift for the family next year. It seems like this has been the same occurence each year so doesn't look like it's going to change OP.

FortunesFave · 28/12/2018 22:59

OP it's one of those things. I get one present from DH....very small as we can't spend lots. And something homemade from my children.

That's it. No one in my family buys adults gifts at all. It's sad but it's part of growing up for some people. Buy yourself treats over the period.

alphajuliet123 · 28/12/2018 23:00

We started to do a family Secret Santa with the extended family as it was all getting a bit "lopsided" not to mention expensive. We pick names out of a hat in advance and each adult buys for one other adult with whatever limit you all decide. I still buy extra for my own mum and something for the little kids, as usual, but I only have one other adult to buy for now (used to be 5 or 6).

UserName31456789 · 28/12/2018 23:02

I would just go to less effort yourself, buy them a family box if chocolates to share. I definitely did go through a period of extended childhood after leaving home (which I'm now embarrassed) when I thought my parents' gifts counted as from me too so didn't buy any myself.

Ethel36 · 28/12/2018 23:02

Just buy them a joint present next Christmas too, like a small hamper of goodies.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 28/12/2018 23:04

I don’t buy for any adults now my DM and DF are gone. I stopped getting anything for my nieces and nephews when they left school. I still buy for my grand nieces and nephews, though. But that’s just how our family do it.

Didyeeaye · 28/12/2018 23:08

I'm the same. My sister's both have children so I easily spend hundreds of pounds on each family buying seperate pressies for 3 nieces, 2 nephews as well as 2 sisters and their 2 partners. In return I get bath bombs from one sister and a bottle of something from the other. I have 1 DS who gets a cheap plastic toy from each of them (worth half of what I spend on their DC) I've cut back how much I spend dramatically as it bugs me. Used to spend £50 on each and now spend £25 each.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/12/2018 23:09

My aunties and uncles stopped buying for me when i was an adult or they would buy some chocs or something of they were seeing us. They buy for my kids now but I know my parents but for my cousins kids too.

It is normal for a couple to buy one gift from both. I would suggest you continue to buy for your sister and husband but either don't buy for the girls at all or buy a token chocolate gift. I don't think you need to announce it in advance just do it. When/if you are no longer single I am sure your sister will buy for your partner too and your gift will become from the both of you.

Cornishclio · 28/12/2018 23:12

I don't buy for my adult niece and nephew. I came to agreement with my Dsis and she stopped buying for my DDs. She bought for my 2 DGDs though but they are baby/toddler.

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