To have expected more gifts?

[ladylovesmilktray]

I have a feeling AIBU but it’s been bugging me since Xmas! I know in an ideal world we don’t ‘give to receive’ in the way of Christmas gifts but I’m so tired of going to so much effort and thought for nothing. Every year I buy my sister, her two daughters and my BIL a gift each (totalling approx £50) but by return get a DVD or book from my sister (she says they all chip in for it which is why they don’t buy their own individual gift for me). I am single with no kids so should I expect to just receive the one gift rather than expect them to club in to get me something larger since I’ll be spending more on their family. My nieces are 20 and 24. Even writing this I feel like a miser. Should I mention it (I.e send a message saying ‘next year I’m only doing one gift per family!!’

We decided that once all our DNs get to 21, we no longer get them gifts. It works for us, as you end up with ever increasing numbers otherwise (with their partners etc) and you tend to find it much more difficult to buy for once they are young people with their own tastes and earning power.
If, as adults they get gistf from you, then they probably ought to get you gifts too.
I wouldn't expect a couple to buy you separate gifts though - it really is from your sister and your BiL's name gets added on.
If money is tight for you then get them something between them.

They are being very tight.

But don’t raise it- it’s one of those horrible situations where if you do then it’s you who ends up looking miserable even when they are at fault.

Just next year send a single joint gift like a DVD and a bag of chocs and write ‘for family movie night’ on the label.
Then if THEY raise it then will look really bad given their past form.

just to add in my family it would be a bit ridiculous for every niece/nephew to buy for every aunt/uncle as we have too big a family. I have a friend who I know does buy for her aunt as she only has one who she is very close to. This depends on family dynamics. I would hate to be bought for by my aunty and not return the gesture but equally between me and my DH we have 7 aunts and most of them we dont see very often so it would be maybe £100 worth of bubble bath gift sets they dont want or need and we can't afford. One of my aunts has 10 nieces and nephews so again that's a three figure sum and does she continue to buy for them when they have kids too?

I think you can stop buying your nieces gifts now that they're adults. My aunts and uncles only got me gifts when I was a child.

I tend to get a joint present for family units within my family where they have adult children who don't buy presents themselves.

Christmas is not a transaction and repeat....

I bought a single relative 4 gifts totalling £30 however 2 of them were half price so actually worth around £45 altogether. She commented that i shouldn’t have got her so much but there are 5 of us and she bought for us all. Similarly my friend bought for my 3 children and she only has one so I spend roughly on him what she spends on mine put together.

hollyhaphazard Of course Christmas is not a transaction and repeat ..... but sometimes, it does seems unfairly loaded in others direction. And whilst their knees are buckling under the pricey gifts, they have no shame in handing over DVD or box of Roses.

I think I would stop buying for the grown neices now. Just send a token family gift - nice chocolates or DVD or board game.

Just say no presents for adults. That is your sister, BIL and nieces since they’re grown up. Tell them not to get you anything. It’s galling to spend lots of money and thought on piss takers and receive something which hasn’t had much thought put into it and is disproportionately small compared to what you gave (assuming giver is not hard up).

So many years I bought piss takers nice gifts. When I said no more presents to be exchanged, the piss takers were super pissed off. Yes, I bet seeing as you get me thoughtless shit and get something fantastic in return, despite being much richer than me. Well no more of that!

Do your nieces/nephews have other aunts and uncles though, on the same side?

I would get one aunt of mine a present, but the parent who is her relative has a lot of other siblings too. I can't afford to get them all something, plus then their partners and their kids. It's a big family.

Just don't get for nieces and nephews once they are older. Most of my family doesn't, although some still do which is lovely of them.

I think gift giving is a bit ridiculous. I don't buy for my sister or sil but for their kids. They buy for my kids so fine.

My gay best friends who have less than zero intention of becoming parents but for my kids so I buy them a token gift from my kids.

My sister has the massive arse with this as she want to receive presents.

I think it's unfair that my best friends will buy presents year on year out without anything in return. I know you don't give to receive but the whole thing is a ballache.

yabu. If you're not happy with what you've been doing then change it. Everyone has the right to spend what they want/can afford/on whoever they choose at Xmas. you choose to spend £50 on them, they choose to do a small family gift from all of them. Just be grateful you have family to give and receive with. Those grown up nieces could be saving every penny they have to buy their own houses, go travelling etc, and shouldn't feel pressurised into buying for family members just because they're now considered "grown ups" when their family has always given a joint gift. my auntie and uncle always bought for us as children, then gave us money as teens, and as adults we just exchange cards, and my mum exchanges a gift with them that she signs from us all as she always did. My other auntie (she's very well off) who I see a bit more gives us money, always has done, and when I reached my early 20s and had my own money and living with partner we started buying our own thing for her at Xmas, because we see her often, and she gifts us money at birthdays and Xmas. Do these nieces still live at home? I didn't ever consider buying gifts for any family other than my mum while I was still living at home as what my mum got was just from "the family". Dont give to recieve! That's not what Xmas is all about. x

I agree that you should stop buying gifts for them all individually. Kids should stop at 18, or maybe 21 if they go to University and you feel like it; and couples should get a joint present.

IF they bothered their arse to get you a present back (the nieces, that is) then fair enough - but in all honesty I wouldn't expect to see separate presents from your sister and BIL, that would be a joint present

My aunt's and uncles stopped buying for us at 16-18 and i never batted an eyelid.

I have never bought for them not out of meaness but because I genuinely couldn't afford to buy for all adults as well as my 3 kids and 11 nieces and nephews, even token gifts add up.

I think you are absolutely fine to stop buying for your nieces they're adults now. If you don't feel comfortable doing this suggest the secret Santa idea as you will then only be buying one present (or a family gift hamper would also solve this). It's your money and up to you how you spend it. If you don't want to buy presents for every individual member.. dont, it gets expensive and most reasonable adults understand this.

I would get them a bag of ground coffee, some nice jams, and a mug each . Put them all in a nice Christmassy bag and write “ for you all to enjoy on Christmas morning”
Next year a tub of Hero’s/Roses, a bottle of wine and a bag of popcorn “for you all for movie night”
Next year four new flannels and four bath bombs “ for you all for bath night”
I expect you are seeing a pattern here!!! Much easier than thinking of four separate pressies and much cheaper. You can bring these in for less than £20 per bag. They are all still getting a present but it balances out the inequality. This is what I would do .

YANBU! My SIL and her H have two children, so we only buy for the children. My BIL doesn't have children, but spends alot of money on our children. We always get him presents/ vouchers..if he had children, then we wouldn't buy for him.

Spend less on them next year.

Or better yet buy them one gift to share. 🤣

Sorry that was supposed to say "one book to share"

I agree with pps that I’m surprised you didn’t stop buying presents for your nieces when they turned 18.

I never got presents from any of my aunts/uncles after the age of 18 (and I’ve never bought them gifts ever).

I'm afraid YABU to expect seperate gifts from your sister, her husband and their children. If I were you I would either agree no gifts necessary, or just exchange gifts with sis. It's never occurred to me to buy anything but a token present for my BIL. Giving is already out of control in some families due to numbers, so each sibling giving and receiving a seperate gift from each other sibling and their partners would get ridiculous.