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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is DH responsibility to buy presents for his family?

43 replies

Yolo89 · 28/12/2018 21:24

So Christmas has just been and gone. Our family lives in the other side of the world so we don't always see them. My DH says he will send presents to his mum and dad but just never gets around to it. Same for birthdays. Never. Not even a card. He sat s they don't want anything but I think they'd at least like a thought , a card , photos of their grand children. I look after all of my family- is it also up to me to buy for DH family? I just feel it is his responsibility or at least joint. He will initiate nothing. What do you do?

OP posts:
PostcodeJack · 28/12/2018 21:29

Leave him to it

pumpkinpie01 · 28/12/2018 21:32

I think it depends on a few factors - is he generally good at buying presents ? If not he may not have a clue what to buy . Does he work more hours than you and just not have the time ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2018 21:37

Leave him to it.

And everyone “has the time”... if it’s important it’ll get done.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 28/12/2018 21:37

Maybe you're not close to them if they live far away. I just see it as dh's parents and nieces are my family aswell.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 28/12/2018 21:38

He is ok at buying presents and certainly knows what they like/need more than I. But he insists they want nothing. I just feel like it seems like the job of the wife to do (at least in their eyes!!) So reflects on me.

I do have more time but he is very good at ordering on Amazon for himself and spends many hours on his phone so time is not the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 28/12/2018 21:40

We are close to the.and maybe do should see them as my family too - which I do. It is just that my DH would never organise my family presents for my siblings etc and this takes a lot of effort so it just seems fair to look after his family?

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 28/12/2018 21:42

Totally up to him. Anyone can click through a few Amazon pages to find presents of they are time-challenged lazy arses

It is not important to me if DH forgets birthdays or presents at Christmas for his own family. I reserve my headspace for more important things. If his family question me about lack of gifts or cards, I'd just point them in in the detection of their son (they have never done this, it must be said).

I have friends and work colleagues who stress about this - not your problem, so why burden yourself with it?

DoneLikeAKipper · 28/12/2018 21:42

I think it depends on a few factors - is he generally good at buying presents? If not he may not have a clue what to buy

Why would that be a factor? Not the OP’s problem if he’s too incompetent to buy presents (one of the simplest tasks to do in today’s world thanks to the likes of Amazon).

Does he work more hours than you and just not have the time?

Unless her husband literally just works, eats and sleeps, I’m sure he can find half an hour somewhere in his important man-time to google some gifts/vouchers.

Op, don’t do it for him. It sounds like he wouldn’t do it for you if you’d been ‘too busy ‘ to find your family gifts.

peachypetite · 28/12/2018 21:44

It really annoys me, this assumption that you will sort everything because you're the woman. My mum has been driving me mad in the run up to Christmas because she kept asking what my husband's younger brother was getting for a present. I just kept repeating calmly that my husband was sorting it.

Lindy2 · 28/12/2018 21:49

Leave him to it. He can explain to his family why he hasn't got them presents.
DH would happily leave me to do it all. However, he knows that won't happen so he sorts it out himself. He gives everyone money in a card but he does it himself.
I buy gifts for my side of the family.
It works for us.

DrSeuss · 28/12/2018 22:02

It's so easy to buy for people overseas now, just a few mouse clicks. What takes time is the thought about what they might like. I leave both to DH.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 28/12/2018 22:51

Lindy - same my DH would happily let me do it all but I just feel it is his family and some effort is required on his behalf.

Peachy - me too. Can't stand the assumption that it is up to the woman. They would never question me but I think they are quite old school so may think it. Ahhhhh!!!

It is good to get your opinions thank you

OP posts:
peachypetite · 28/12/2018 22:54

Yeh my mum never went back to work after having us so she assumes all that responsibility. I work longer hours than my husband!

Original poster
Yolo89 · 28/12/2018 22:56

DH has his phone glued to his hand -.it has nothing to do with ordering and all to do with the thought

OP posts:
Happygolucky009 · 28/12/2018 22:59

Depends my sil has the same opinion, her husband works long hours and often works away, whilst she has just started some voluntary work. They have kids both in secondary school. He forgets my kids birthday every year and she abdicates any responsibility by claiming the kids are his family. It's rubbish!

canibehereifimnotamum · 29/12/2018 10:45

I've brought for DH family for years. I even get his secret Santa presents for the family. I enjoy doing it. He stresses me out leaving it to the last min!

Parker231 · 29/12/2018 10:49

I love DH’s family - they are all staying at the moment but in 25 years I’ve never bought their birthday or Christmas presents. DH sorts out his family and I do mine. No one is too busy to organise presents.

cuppycakey · 29/12/2018 10:51

yanbu. It's bloody wifework Xmas Angry

Oysterbabe · 29/12/2018 10:54

Leave him to it otherwise it will be your job until they die. We each sort our own families here.

Bluelady · 29/12/2018 10:55

We divide it up by gender. I do his female relatives, he does my male ones. Works for us.

Cheerbear23 · 29/12/2018 10:55

I’ve taken this stance this year and my DH is very perplexed as to why I’m not doing it for ‘his family’, he sees it as joint family.
He didn’t send anything to his sis overseas this year as he didn’t order from moonpig on time. We both work FT, we split everything else but he doesn’t remember to do this stuff.

SpikyHedgehogg · 29/12/2018 10:55

My DP has a very scatter-gun, haphazard approach to present buying for his parents, three siblings and their children. It looks a very expensive and stressful way of dealing with Christmas and it stresses me out to just think about it. I deal with this not by doing it for him, but by not thinking about it.

yoyo1234 · 29/12/2018 11:03

I do pretty much all the present buying for both sides each year. DH works insanely long hours it is the least I can do ( I work full time but that is hardly anything).

Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 11:10

It t depends on how well you get on with his family. If you're fond of them and want to keep them sweet, then just do it. If you don't care, don't bother. We go to see DP'S family every Christmas and share the present buying. If I see something suitable, I buy it. Otherwise, rather than have the embarrassment of turning up empty handed, he has a last minute spree.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 29/12/2018 11:21

I left everything for DH's family up to him this year and it was great. Previously I've had to choose and buy and post everything. Not this year, from early on I let him know I wasn't doing it and that if he wanted them to have anything he'd need to buy it. He was super last minute and he paid for special delivery so they would get there in time but that's his problem not mine. It was great, I just focused on my family! Definitely the way forward.