To want a break from hosting Xmas after 11 yrs?

[WillowB]

So for the past 11 years I've hosted Christmas at our house. This was originally for me, DH, My mum, dad and Brother. To be honest I quite enjoyed the cooking and hosting and as we had no kids there was plenty of time to plan, prepare and tidy up after.

Fast forward 11 years and I hosted 9 of us this year as our family has grown - we have 2 DS and my DB us now married with a DS. It's become an expectation now that I will host, partly because I've done it every year and also because we have more space at our house, large dining table etc.
I found that this year I've really resented it. I did all the shopping. spent a good part of Xmas eve tidying and getting the house ready, most of Xmas day was spent in the kitchen. DH took the boys so see his parents while I cooked then everyone arrived at ours after they'd been to church for 1pm. I didn't sit down until nearly 5pm. On Boxing Day I had clearing up and tidying to do.
We buy all of the food and drink, apart from a starter which my SIL made (everyone except me & DH is teetotal though), the cost doesn't bother me, it's more the workload, DH peeled some veg, made a few cups of tea and my dad loaded the dishwasher then that was it!!!
I'm then expected to keep drinks topped up then produce more Buffet food & nibbles later in the evening, though I just made a token effort with a few crisps and rolls this year.
I feel like I've earned a year off from it but I feel mean telling my parents & brother as the only house big enough for us all is ours. I just want to actually be able to spend time with my kids next year, not spend the entire day cooking and running around after everyone else.
The alternative is to go out to a pub. This would be ideal but Mum & Dad are retired and live fairly frugally so I think this would be a big expense for them as lunch round here is £60+ DB is also quite careful with his cash.
So should I just suck it up and get on with it? Will I feel better about it in 11 months time. Any advice to make life easier next year appreciated!

Well, but if you decide to spend Christmas at home with just your family, no one else needs a house big enough to host everyone. Could you brother have your parents at his house?

I'd leave it a few weeks/months before deciding, but tell everyone in plenty of time to make other arrangements.

YANBU, your family probably assume you like doing it or don't think much about the work involved. Next year I'd let people come round but delegate jobs out much more. Someone brings the drinks and desert, someone else veggies (even if they cook it at yours). If this still seems like alot of work it's fine to say you need a break though.

We spend Xmas day on our own and I love it.
Cooking for so many was stressful. Now I actually enjoy it.
We host a get together Boxing Day with a buffet and find that much less stressful as it’s all prepared in advance so I don’t miss out on time with family.
Hope you find a compromise

Lunch is one thing, but running around and constantly topping up drinks etc is absolutely ridiculous. Why on earth do you do that? They're family and perfectly capable of getting their own. The fact that none of them think to sit you down and get you a drink while THEY tidy up is awful.

They are a terribly spoilt bunch!

Plan something different for next year. If you still want to do something joint, make it a type of meal that everyone can contribute to. Put the kettle somewhere convenient for all, and do NOT run around after them. Insist on them ALL helping.

Yes the all chip in idea might be a good compromise. I think because I've done it for so long they've forgotten that a) I now have 2 young children to care for and b) we've nearly doubled in numbers!
Splitting the work 3 ways would make a big difference. I might broach it next week while it's still fresh in my mind (or before I wimp out!)

Oh and to make matters worse, DS smeared slime all over the sofa while we were eating lunch

Tell them now.
Say guys fair warning (51 weeks) next Christmas I’m away or we will see you Boxing Day.
Don’t make any excuses or give any reasons.
If you so feel the need to say something when questioned say it’s too expensive and you don’t enjoy all the build up, running around, cooking and cleaning.
If they say they’ll help say no that’s fine I’m not doing it.

Next years invites - "Bring a bottle (or 3) and buffet bowl for #* of people"

Set up a self serve drinks area. Everyone bringing a bowl for the buffet = sod all for you to do 👍

It sounds exhausting. I would announce by March that you're planning something different for next year. For example, everyone is welcome for a Christmas day evening or boxing day lunch buffet. Also, parents please bring soft drinks and brother please bring desserts. Say it was lovely to see everyone but hard work and tiring for you so you need to do something different next year.

Tell them now, or you’ll forget how hard it was and find yourself doing it next year!

Ha! I’ve done it for over 40 years. Mostly I’ve loved it, but the last couple of years it’s exhausted me (I’m 67). So,this year I delegated and it worked beautifully. They loved helping. Best Christmas EVER. Suggest you do the same!

my Aunt hosted for 17 for a boxing day style buffet and divvied up who would bring what and masterminded ensuring everyone pitched in for clearing up.

I just worked out I've had 2 years off from Christmas hosting in 22 years. And while I sort of enjoy some of it (actually I think I just enjoy people telling me the food was nice) I've really had enough at this stage. It's like a very spaced out version of Groundhog Day, except without the groundhogs. Now I'm wondering if groundhog is a viable alternative to turkey.

But like childbirth, you forget. By October I'll probably be thinking about exciting new ways to make cranberry sauce (or I'll have got a life).

Reading that made my blood boil. My sister and I who have large enough houses alternate and everyone pitches in massively. When I hosted 3 other adults helped with lunch (dh mum and I) none of us three lifted a finger on Boxing Day (both Bils did all food and my dad all the clearing up). So wrong to leave it to one person wtf

Ask them to help you clean up that's what everyone at almost every large get together I've been to does, If no one is polite enough to take the initiative.

Your DH is being ridiculous not helping more.

Assign dishes if food for people to bring.

Use paper plates.

Adults can get their own drinks, drinks for their kids, and find between meal snacks on their own.

Take control

*of food

Op we have the opposite problem were expected to traipse round everyone else’s all Christmas. We’ve been broken up a week and so far spent 2nights at home and travelled 800 plus miles! We’ve already told people we just can’t do it anymore! What’s more is no one has spare rooms to put us up. We’ve finally worked out, if people won’t reciprocate you don’t owe them anything

This year I did a lunch from cook.com
115 quid for 8. I had done 20 years of domestic service on Xmas day and utterly pissed off with whole thing.
Much better this year. Planning to go somewhere hot and sunny next year and leave them all to it.

Wtf are you doing all the shopping, tidying, cooking and cleaning while your DH peels a few vegetables?! He should be ashamed of himself.

If you basically enjoy hosting then I'd tackle that aspect rather than ditch it completely.

Agree speak to them now but very specifically (not just a general how busy it was) and be exact with what you want doing next year. Then with reminders after the Summer, and really specific reminders in December! Make sure you’re clear enough during the year, and then if they still don’t help out enough, then lock the doors in 2020!

Dh's contribution was cleaning yew bathrooms on Xmas eve the peeling the veg. On Xmas day he took the boys out of the way while I cooked. He does stuff if I prod him but generally is fairly useless around the house. It pretty much all falls to me as I work PT so do the house stuff on one of my days off.

How about using disposable tableware and foil Tins for the oven once done goes straight in the bin? Also ask people to be in charge of certain foods eg starters veg and dessert distribute tasks?

If still feel this way then just say no?

Just tell them all that you want a quiet family Christmas at home (i.e. on your own next year) as you have been doing it for so long, but someone else is welcome to take up the reins if they wish.
They can't possibly object, especially if you have been paying for it all, for all of that time, which it sounds like you have.

Delegate some dishes and ask for more help.DH and I have hosted most Xmas dinners in 30 plus years by it it's only have been tolerable because he kicks in and does as much as me on the day.Having said that I've done all the shopping ,planning and made stuffing,sauces etc the day before.Anything from 6 of us to 16.
That said I'm done with it after this year.And I've announced the fact.I want a nice relaxed Xmas day. It's my holiday too.If we do have everyone round it's a buffet and everyone chips.Even then the host does more.

Tell them you’re finding it much too stressful and hard work doing all the cooking and serving for them all. Tell them next year either you will either book a meal (and everyone can pay £5/month throughout the year until October when you’ll book it, so they can budget), someone else can host, or you will be giving them each a list of things that they have to bring/prepare and jobs that they have to do on the day to help (washing up/drying/table laying/clearing up wrapping paper etc). If they don’t want to, you just do a tiny Xmas for you and your kids.