To want a break from hosting Xmas after 11 yrs?

[WillowB]

So for the past 11 years I've hosted Christmas at our house. This was originally for me, DH, My mum, dad and Brother. To be honest I quite enjoyed the cooking and hosting and as we had no kids there was plenty of time to plan, prepare and tidy up after.

Fast forward 11 years and I hosted 9 of us this year as our family has grown - we have 2 DS and my DB us now married with a DS. It's become an expectation now that I will host, partly because I've done it every year and also because we have more space at our house, large dining table etc.
I found that this year I've really resented it. I did all the shopping. spent a good part of Xmas eve tidying and getting the house ready, most of Xmas day was spent in the kitchen. DH took the boys so see his parents while I cooked then everyone arrived at ours after they'd been to church for 1pm. I didn't sit down until nearly 5pm. On Boxing Day I had clearing up and tidying to do.
We buy all of the food and drink, apart from a starter which my SIL made (everyone except me & DH is teetotal though), the cost doesn't bother me, it's more the workload, DH peeled some veg, made a few cups of tea and my dad loaded the dishwasher then that was it!!!
I'm then expected to keep drinks topped up then produce more Buffet food & nibbles later in the evening, though I just made a token effort with a few crisps and rolls this year.
I feel like I've earned a year off from it but I feel mean telling my parents & brother as the only house big enough for us all is ours. I just want to actually be able to spend time with my kids next year, not spend the entire day cooking and running around after everyone else.
The alternative is to go out to a pub. This would be ideal but Mum & Dad are retired and live fairly frugally so I think this would be a big expense for them as lunch round here is £60+ DB is also quite careful with his cash.
So should I just suck it up and get on with it? Will I feel better about it in 11 months time. Any advice to make life easier next year appreciated!

I work part time and DH works full time, so I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning generally. But if we're hosting Christmas (which we do every other year) then he pulls his weight. It's too stressful otherwise.

We've hosted for the last 17 years but we divvy up the work. There are 3 households. One lot bring starters, we do turkey, ham, roast spuds and stuffing, another brings veg, either cooked or ready to cook, and, most importantly, takes responsibility for cooking them. Two of us do desserts.

It can be a bit chaotic as lots of different things need oven or hob space at the same time but it all works out fine and nobody is overly stressed.

Next year, brief your DH that he is on drinks duty for the day and preparing evening snacks. I'm sure he's capable of getting out some cheese, pickles, crackers and rolls. I would hate anyone bringing random stuff for the meal but definitely tell people to do the dishes. No one will mind and if they do, they don't need to come again.

You could book lunch out and pay for parents as their Christmas present. Would that work ?

I literally can’t think of anything worse than spending Christmas with anyone other than the people I share a home with. I want to enjoy Christmas Day which means relaxing and doing what I want, if I had to host other people I’d just be constantly on edge.

Of course YANBU
Tell them now.
Let them know that you aren't hosting Christmas next year for everyone as you just want to actually be able to spend time with my kids next year, not spend the entire day cooking and running around after everyone else.

Be prepared to be ready to spend the day with just your family though.

Definitely delegate more. Tell everyone that as the numbers have grown you need more help/assistance. Put the drinks out and either delegate the job of topping up to one person or tell everyone to help themselves. Get someone to do the starter and another person to do the dessert. Prepare some veg but tell another person they will be on potato duty (or whatever). Also ask for people to bring some nibbles and snacks.

Probably nobody has really considered the amount of work that goes into it - like you say, cleaning and preparing the house, making sure there's toilet rolls and fresh hand towels at the ready, to cleaning all the extra glasses, cutlery and plates, to buying crackers and digging out the extra chairs and so on and on. For me it bugs me that visitors in the house do and will go into cupboards and drawers etc to get things out and so I feel I should have cleaned/tidied the cutlery tray, wiped down the shelf where the cups live, cleaned out the cupboard under the sink where bin bags are kept, that sort of thing. You have to advance guess where people are going to go and what they want and then prepare/clean/tidy/buy in advance. Yes I know I could leave crumbs in the cutlery drawer tray and they'll all have to live with it but somehow I just don't/can't.

Delegate more. Ask people if they can help more - say "Can someone give me a hand with the dishwasher?" and then just leave them to it.

Also second the paying for Xmas dinner for your parents if you possibly could. It costs a lot to put on a big Christmas dinner anyway with all the food and then the bits and bobs and snacks.

"How about using disposable tableware and foil Tins for the oven once done goes straight in the bin?"

Kick everyone's arsrs into touch before Christmas turns into another landfill project.

Just say you want a change. Tough shit your DB is careful with money, he's saved a fortune over the years, well enough to throw in for your Parents dinner.

I can't believe youve topped up drinks etc, either, there should be an Adult or two on babysitting duty and the rest pitching in, then swap round.

But personally I'd just stay at home. Your Brother can see to your Parents, or vice versa.

Me and my youngest (21) had Christmas and Boxing Day to ourselves, for the first time ever and it was bliss.

You need one of those families that everyone is happy to serve themselves ( and ask other people while they are at it) and get their own drinks ( and ask others whilst they are at it )
Lots of families do this but the expectation is that everyone knows to help out. Makes life easier.

We go to SIL 3 every other year as her house is biggest.
Brother 1 did prawns, brother 2 did turkey.
Brother3 did pork, we did ham.
Salads shared between all of us.
SIL 3 did desert with her DD1.
Our DM did nibbles and fruit and bon bons.
Everyone brings own drinks and looks after each other.
Everyone helps clean up except DM whose balance is not great.
We are grateful that they are happy to do this alternate years when our family gets together.
On the other years DM comes to us.

Another suggestion is you could still host at your house but someone else does all the cooking and cleaning of the meal? I still went to my parents this year (our house is tiny) but we cooked the meal and desserts so they didn't have to do anything.

Talk to the others and see what you can come up with.

How about moving the big meal to 5pm ish. Then invite everyone over at 3pm for drinks and nibbles. You only have to organize the one meal and you have much more time in the morning to spend with the dc. You dont even have to get out of pjs until 2pm. Ask your Mum to bring peeled and prepped veg ready to cook at your place. Ask DB and SIL to bring dessert. DF gets tasked with clearing up afterwards and DH is on drinks and washing up as you go along. The DC get to set and decorate the table ( age permitting). Send an email now to set it all out in writing and get everyones agreement. Christmas is about family coming together, allow yours to enjoy contributing to a joint meal

People can just fall into patterns, which can easily form traditions. Sounds like you've got yourself a tradition which you no longer wish to support. Just tell them you've decided to change it up this year.

The 'compromise' suggestions are all well and good in theory but of course your family could already have been helping out; offering to bring starters, sides, desserts, they surely know you well enough to be comfortable topping up their own drinks or helping out in the kitchen, they're not being prevented from minding the dc or clearing the table but they leave you to it because this has become the norm over 11 years and they apparently take it all for granted.

Seriously WillowB if you want a quieter, less stressful Christmas then you're the only one who can make that happen. Nobody else is going to change things up unless it suits them, why would they? They all get to have a lovely Christmas provided by you.

If you absolutely want to spend Christmas with all of them then suggest the eating out option but will you be expected to pay, will they still want to come to you before and after? If you'd love a quieter, less stressful Christmas with just your dc and dh then bite the bullet and tell them with plenty of notice in 2019 that this year you're having a quiet one. They'll survive. Hell it might even dawn on them that they've taken you a bit for granted!

A friend has been in a similar situation and had enough this year. Told everyone their family would be having lunch out this year and those who wanted to join were welcome.

In the end part of family stepped up and took their turn. Next year the other part has said they'd take their turn.

When the conversation starts next year, call their bluff. If no one offers go out (Know it's not everyone's cup of tea but worth a try/rest for a year).

Why not suggest a Christmas pub lunch. If you roughly know the prices - you reckon 60 ish pounds. Can you offer to arrange and do a 'kitty'. Float the idea of a savings scheme - if your parents pay, 10 pounds per month and your brother 15 that should cover it without it being a massive expense nearer the time.

Do state your reasons. Of course you want a relaxed day with the kids without all the prepping and cooking - maybe someone will come up with another suggestion.

Thanks for all of your replies. You've given me the push that I need to change something for next year.
I think I'll give them three options: stay at home, all muck in with everyone delegated a job or we'll go out.
Feel better already!

Pubs get booked up early, so you would need to confirm your booking in September or October at the latest. If you can afford it, pay for your parents for their Xmas present. Everyone pays for their own drinks. Someone will need to drive (no drink and drive) or walk if near.

We just had me, DH and our 2 kids for Xmas for the first time in a very long time.

Previously either another 2/3/4 family members round to ours or us round to their's

Just the 4 of us was great, jammies until midday, kids enjoying the day without the overcrowding with loads of people. Definitely the way we'll be doing it next year.

@WillowB I feel as though you’ve talked yourself into a compromise which isn’t exactly what you want. And I worry you’ll find next year the same when “muck in” turns into SIL peeling sprouts while you do everything else.

Why not have one “just your family” xmas? Give the others a year to figure out how much work you do for them, give yourself a break, give yourself a chance to miss to big party and enjoy the smaller one.

Christmas does NOT have to be run in the same way every year. Flexibility and change is a good thing!

I don’t think you should even consider having it at yours. Take a year off to reset the pattern and maybe they will appreciate you more then so you can try the everyone muck in afterwards. Tell your dh you are not washing a dish , they will stay there dirty till done by the family and him and if you have to move you and the kids to a hotel for hygiene reasons you will do it. But I’d have hung drawn and quartered my do for being so useless the first year it happened.

Easy. Text around easter time saying you’re planning to book Christmas Day lunch at the pub next year and you wanted to give lots of notice so that people can save up if they want to join you.

Op what do you want to do for Christmas Day lunch?