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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu saying I'm uncomfortable with his new 'friend'?

60 replies

2019iscoming · 28/12/2018 19:12

I posted about this a while ago but NC because other posts may out me. My OH and I used to be in an open relationship, but due to boundaries being broken I said enough is enough and said i wasn't comfortable with it anymore. He said he was okay with this but still wanted to see a girl he had planned to meet, but just as a friend. They had dinner and watched a movie. Since then they've been in daily contact which makes me quite uncomfortable, but not enough to say anything. But then today he says he's going out all day Sunday to her house to 'play games'. I said im not comfortable with that. He said I was being childish but I told him if he'd rather spend his time with this girl, than me and his daughter then I won't be here when he gets back. He called me manipulative and toxic. He says I'm not OK with him having friends and what do I want him to do, not talk to anybody? I told him that im perfectly happy for him to have friends. What I'm not okay with is him spending his only time off with a 'friend that he had feelings for, has seen naked and in sexual situations, and spending the day alone in her home. Aibu? Or am I in the wrong? Do I just forget it and tell him to go?

OP posts:

twinnywinny14 · 28/12/2018 19:45

You are not happy with the situation and he is not willling to respect that, the relationship is done

PurpleCrazyHorse · 28/12/2018 19:46

Sounds horrible and really disrespectful. I would think about what your daughter would learn from how your OH treats you and what you would hope for her.

holasoydora · 28/12/2018 19:50

My friend is in a polyamorous relationship. My understanding is it can only done if both parties follow the same rules, drawn up by mutual agreement, which are based on respect.

Your OH is just being a prick.

HTH. LTB.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2018 19:51

I remember you

He was taking the piss then and he is taking the piss now

nicenewdusters · 28/12/2018 19:53

Whole set up sounds sleazy, before and now. You've called time on the open relationship, he hasn't because he doesn't want to. If he's playing Monopoly with an octogenarian then I guess you could be cool with it. But it's "games" with somebody he wanted to have sex with. Time to dust your self-respect off.

HidingFromMyKids · 28/12/2018 19:54

I remember your other thread. He was having an open relationship but you weren't.

Get rid of him so your daughter has a happy and confident mum, not the empty shell he is making you.

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2018 19:54

This is a toxic relationship.
End it now for the benefit of you and your daughter - do you want her to think this is the normal way to be treated when someone "loves" you?

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/12/2018 19:56

He’s lying to you and manipulating you, trying to make out you’re the oppressive/toxic one - but it’s him.

Dump him.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 28/12/2018 19:57

Gosh open your eyes op. Do you honestly think his reaction is that of someone who was planning a nice round of monopoly?! He shagging her, of course he is and you tried to cock block him and that made him angry. So he tried to blame you and make you out to be mad, selfish and paranoid. This is gaslighting.

Pack his bags. Get some dignity back. Find someone who respects you and deserves you.

KeepServingTheFestiveSnogs · 28/12/2018 20:00

I remember your last thread.

Things don't sound very happy for you. You need to perhaps think about how you can make changes.

RyderWhiteSwan · 28/12/2018 20:01

Clearly him sticking his penis in other women is more important to him than you or your DC. So bin him and let him get on with it.

KC225 · 28/12/2018 20:03

Start New Year with pride OP. Throw out your arse of a husband, he can play all the games he wants with his 'new friend'.

SantyClaws · 28/12/2018 20:03

He's going to hers for a shag, and you know it.

Tell him he can go if he wants but not to come back. Enough is enough.

Touchmybum · 28/12/2018 20:03

Tell him to fuck the fuck right off, and when he is finishing fucking off, to fuck off again some more.

You can do better than this player xx

Missingstreetlife · 28/12/2018 20:24

Trust your gut op. It is toxic, by which I mean abusive and unhealthy. Let him go, have some alone time with your dc, be strong for her. He is a wanker who is unable to commit. You deserve better

AlpacaLypse · 28/12/2018 20:25

I remember your other thread too. 'Open Relationship' is all very well and good when the only people involved are adults. You and this man have a child together now. Total game changer. Either he commits 100% to not buggering off and shagging whoever he feels like or he fucks off and sends child support money instead.

WinterfellWench · 28/12/2018 20:25

Jezus wept . As if you have to ask! Your DH is treating you like shit!

Maybe you should find a new male friend to socialise with.

I reckon he is still shagging her for sure sorry OP.

And I am DEFINITELY very much against swinging. Rarely does any good come from it. Why the hell anyone would bring 'fucking other people' into their marriage just baffles me.....

MissRhubarb · 28/12/2018 20:32

I remember your other thread OP. I strongly believe that you'd be happier on your own without this man. This isn't a balanced open relationship. His rules seem to be, "I'll do whatever the f**k I want, belittle you if you challenge me and I don't care about your feelings whatsoever if they get in my way". It's one-sided, ugly and toxic. You could be so much happier, which is the most important thing.

DelightfulCunt · 28/12/2018 20:36

Like we'd be spending time together but sit next to me on dating apps or talking to other girls. Or bragging about who he was seeing to may see
He’s a vile human

Balaboosteh · 28/12/2018 22:15

I don’t think that there are many people on here that have are sympathetic or experienced with open relationships so bear that in mind. It doesn’t sound like he agreed to the alteration to your terms and conditions in the first place. Open relationships have to be carefully negotiated (like any relationship) and they can go wrong (like any relationship). You are entitled to move the goalposts but you have to sure that he buys into the new terms and conditions and it doesn’t sound like he has.

OoohAyyye · 28/12/2018 23:12

You don't need this "relationship" OP. I really hope you and it.

randomchap · 28/12/2018 23:24

@2019iscoming

I don't want that life anymore. Haven't for quite a while.

You need to decide what life you do want. Talk to him about what you want with your life. If his life goals don't match yours then you should probably consider a life without him.

Lovingbenidorm · 28/12/2018 23:39

Well, there’s a little boy who’s had his playtime curtailed.
An open relationship only ever works if both people are 100% happy and willing and rules and boundaries are adhered to.
What you describe is nothing like that.
This bloke is ripping the piss out of you and has been for a while.
Please think about how you are living, your self respect and the effect this must be having on your dd.
This bloke is a slimy fuck at best
Good luck & be strong x

doublethink · 28/12/2018 23:47

He sounds vile. Dig down and find your self respect and use it to get rid of him,for your sake and your dd's.

MonsterTequila · 28/12/2018 23:59

I remember you OP it’s really not been that long since you stopped the Open relationship & he told you he was still going to see this one ‘as a friend’ is it?
Op you are allowed to set boundaries.
You are allowed to tell him you won’t put up with him spending one on one time with another woman. Alone. In her house.
You are allowed to tell him you don’t want him to be in contact with someone he’s had sex recently.
That does not make you toxic or manipulative in the slightest. It means you have the most basic of standards when it comes to your relationship.
Please leave him. It’s the only way you’ll ever be happy.

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