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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was mean and I am not sure how much more slack I can give

32 replies

Topttumps · 28/12/2018 19:04

Do is quite ill at the moment. He is having a major flare of a chronic condition. I have been providing shed loads of care and support along with running the home, looking after kids and working part time.
The main problem is that he is really bad tempered. He will scream for help with getting dressed etc. Often I barely get a thank you.
Whilst I was entertaining our guests he called out and I didn’t hear. He had a strop in front of our guests.
We live in a Town House. Our bedroom is on the middle floor. We have a spare room On the top floor with hobby stuff in it. Most days he either stays in bedroom or goes into hobby room. He did come down on Christmas Day for a while and did eat with our guests. The following day he went upstairs and played with dd3 whilst I was out with our guests.
Today he told me that the bit of Christmas he enjoyed was when I was out. I just feel so hurt but maybe I am being over sensitive
Ainu to call him up on this. I feel I have been cutting him slack as being in pain is horrible.

OP posts:
lifecouldbeadream · 28/12/2018 19:13

YANBU. It was hurtful and being in pain is no excuse. I would explain calmly that you are doing your best and it isn’t nice to be spoken to like that.

Gazelda · 28/12/2018 19:16

Well they say that you hurt the ones you love, but I honestly think his behaviour is inexcusable.
Have you told him that while you love him and wish he weren't in pain, his lack of appreciation, temper and cruel words are hurtful. If he means them, then you should seek relationship counselling. If he doesn't mean then but is just lashing out, then he needs to think before he speaks and remind himself how stretched you are.

Knittedfairies · 28/12/2018 19:24

Could he possibly have meant that the best bit of Christmas was playing with dd3, and that was while you just happened to be out?

Original poster
Topttumps · 28/12/2018 19:28

I think he did mean that he enjoyed playing with dd3 but he also did that whilst downstairs on Christmas Day. We even played family board games which I thought he would enjoy but he gave up after about 15 minutes.
I guess I just feel unappreciated.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 28/12/2018 19:29

Did he mean it was the best bit because you were out, or perhaps because the house was quiet and he could enjoy your dd without the pressure of hosting (or the frustration/guilt that he couldn't)?

Mulberry7373 · 28/12/2018 19:29

What is the condition he suffers with ? Does it really cause him to be so rude ?

Original poster
Topttumps · 28/12/2018 19:30

Yes a I have said how much I hate him suffering. I have been doing everything I can to help improve the situation.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/12/2018 19:32

Well at least you won't have to worry about going out - he likes it best when you're not there. Says a lot really...

Original poster
Topttumps · 28/12/2018 19:34

He is in a lot of pain due to arthritis. His mobility is quite badly affected right now.
Thanks for replies. Good to see other possible angles. To host was his decision as he didn’t want to travel.

OP posts:
Grace212 · 28/12/2018 19:34

I realise everyone is different but I can understand being upset with long term illness - had that myself - but no way would I start being mean to others.

Kikipost · 28/12/2018 19:34

Perhaps it would have been a better idea not to have been hosting guests in Xmas day when your partner is ill and pretty much bed bound!

MissionItsPossible · 28/12/2018 19:34

What’s the condition if you can say it on here?

Also: what exactly was said? There’s a difference between: “my favourite part of Christmas was when me and DD3 played together” (when you weren’t there) to “my favourite part of Christmas was when you weren’t here”.

Grace212 · 28/12/2018 19:36

kiki how about reading the thread?

Littletabbyocelot · 28/12/2018 19:42

I grew up with a parent in severe pain and with (not unrelated) severe depression which led to behaviour towards my mum - and at times to me and my sibling - that was just cruel. I've learned that understanding why someone behaves a certain way doesn't stop it being hurtful or damaging.

It's not his fault he's ill. It's understandable that it makes him bad tempered. However, if he continues to treat you like this you and your dc will be hurt too. You can't spend your life being his emotional punch bag.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/12/2018 19:44

I think I would call him out on it though whether to do that now or wait until this flare up settles a bit is probably something you need to judge.

It's awful to suffer with a chronic condition and obviously you have to cut him a certain amount of slack, however that doesn't mean putting up with anything he sees fit to dish out. The concern for me would be that kicking off at you could become the norm. You can be sympathetic but you can't allow yourself to be his verbal punch bag.

Kikipost · 28/12/2018 19:45

Yes I read he said he would prefer to host rather than travel.

But then had to stay in bed and only able to join for 15 mins

In those circs, best not to have travelled OR hosted.

Original poster
Topttumps · 28/12/2018 20:03

He gave up on the game after 15 minutes He was down for longer. Maybe 3 to 4 hours on Christmas Day.
Same on Boxing Day although I took guests out for some of Boxing Day. It was than that he played with dd3 so yes I get that it was the action of playing with dd3 that he enjoyed.
I still think though that he was cruel with his reaction about me not hearing. I was downstairs cooking for our guests so fans and the dishwasher was on. I had already provided him with more food than he normall eats during the day and than popped out. The older children were there but didn’t hear either. He made out that I had abandoned him with no food. However he had made it downstairs by the time aid got back so presumably could have got one of the older children to sort. I also offered food which he finally accepted about an hour later so he was hardly left starving.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 28/12/2018 20:06

It sounds like he's using his condition as an excuse to verbally and emotionally abuse you.

Original poster
Topttumps · 28/12/2018 20:06

Tbh when we have hosted before it has always been done so he can have time to himself for gaming etc. Although on this occasion he was understandably less sociable.
I gave him the option to cancel but he was happy to do as planned.

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 28/12/2018 20:12

We find mobiles either to each other or to home phone is really useful if dd needs help getting up. Maybe think about some more reliable forms of communication - or a door bell maybe?

Touchmybum · 28/12/2018 20:15

A dick with a chronic condition is still a dick.

You have enough to put up with in supporting him to manage his condition. He has no right to take all his frustrations out on you. Don't host again. It's not fair that you have to take it all on board.

CottonTailRabbit · 28/12/2018 20:18

Ah so, he was always a twat but now he is a twat with arthritis. You think the pain from arthritis is a free pass for him to be as twatty as he likes to you. It isn't. You can still tell him to fuck off and mean it. You can still refuse to be his slave.

RangerLady · 28/12/2018 20:20

I have most likely the same condition. It is agony at times and I can't think straight when I'm.in severe pain. I have had t9nrely on DH a lot in the past when I could not have easily managed stairs etc. However, I have never been a dick to those helping me! I am always grateful and very aware he'd have an easier life with a well wife. So I'm not really cutting your DH much slack here.

CanuckBC · 28/12/2018 20:20

It truly sounds like he is using his condition to abuse you. What was he like proper to his arthritis? Was he kind and loving? I have chronic pain and mental health issues. It can really grind you down.

He could have approached this in a different manner especially if he was the one who chose to host. Had one of the children set up to check on him on a regular basis as you were going to be busy with hosting, cooking, cleaning and more! You are only one person and not able to do everything.

Maybe time to reasses where things are at or counseling to get things on a level where you are happy in how you are treated.

Birdie6 · 28/12/2018 20:33

My late husband had terrible arthritis but he never screamed at me. Your DH is using his illness to excuse his horrible behaviour. Tell him to call you on his mobile phone if he wants anything . If he screams at you, ignore him.

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