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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to pay ex this money on behalf of ds2?

37 replies

theduchessstill · 28/12/2018 15:27

A few week ago my parents gave the dc £20 each when they visited (not a Christmas present). Ds2 (9) wanted to spend all his immediately on Roblox vouchers but, due to his, imo, unhealthy obsession with the game I said no. After some whining and wrangling we decided that if he had a good week in terms of sticking to screen limits without arguing he could spend £10 on the vouchers at the weekend.

He had a good week and didn’t mention the money again. Dc were spending the weekend with ex and ds2 didn’t mention the money at all before I dropped him off. By then I had done what I always do when they’re given cash and don’t spend it – spent the cash and transferred the amount to their bank accounts (Ds1 had wanted to save his). If ds2 had reminded me I would have got him the voucher before dropping him off, but he didn’t mention it so it didn’t occur to me.

A couple of hours later I had to get out of the bath to open the door to ds2 who was demanding the money. Ex was waiting in the car. I didn’t have any cash in the house – had ex rung me to warn me he was going to come by I would have got a tenner out, but as it was I was wrapped in a towel and quite irritated by the whole thing. Ds2 was mentioning £20, not £10, which was annoying, and it was all very stressful. If the dc told me they had cash from ex’s parents no way would I drive them round there demanding it.

They drove off and I thought no more of it. Now it turns out that rather than deal with the tantrum ds2 was obviously about to have and find a way of entertaining him that didn’t involve fucking screen, ex bought him the vouchers – £20 worth. Now ex is saying he is owed this money and really needs it. I don’t want to pay it him - he is £700 in arrears of CM and has never paid me anything, so no way do I want to pay it myself, and I don’t want to pay it from ds2 because I didn’t want £20 wasted on the bloody things. I want to tell him to fuck off and deduct it from the arrears. He's pissed me off more by mentioning it in front of the dc, and ds1 is now asking why I won't pay ex back AIBU?

OP posts:

2littleguineas · 28/12/2018 15:32

Do not pay him the £20 or deduct it from the arrears. Your son was been brat and ex facilitated this, if he wants to continue doing so that's up to him but don't allow yourself to be bullied into handing over money he choose to give in order to get an easy life.
You need stern words with your ds for attempting to demand money from you.

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2018 15:35

he is £700 in arrears of CM and has never paid me anything, so no way do I want to pay it myself, and I don’t want to pay it from ds2 because I didn’t want £20 wasted on the bloody things.

Tell him to get tae fuck.

BollocksToBrexit · 28/12/2018 15:35

You told your son that if he was good he could buy the vouchers. He was good but you reneged on the deal. No wonder he was playing up.

That said, no way would ex get £20 off me. As you said he can deduct it from the arrears.

theworldistoosmall · 28/12/2018 15:43

I would tell him that he has a cheek considering he owes you £700. You need that and you need him to start paying support. If no money is paid within the next week then you have no choice but to go to CMS and let them deal with it. He didn't need to get vouchers, but this was his decision to do so, and you are not paying for his financial choices when the boys are in his care.

mytieisascarf · 28/12/2018 15:44

Part of me wants to say fuck him - give him nothing! BUT - I think that as the money is your 9 yo DS's money then this is a lesson for him in paying back debt. He told his Dad that he would pay him back and so he really should. He doesn't have a very good role model when it comes to financial responsibility with his Dad so unfortunately you have to step up and do double the work - and part of that is teaching him that if he promises to pay something, or borrows then he MUST pay it.

Your ex not paying child maintenance is a separate issue and one that you should really be pushing.

CaptainsYuleLog · 28/12/2018 15:44

Tell him to get tae fuck

Yup.

mytieisascarf · 28/12/2018 15:47

And remember folks he is not getting £20 from OP he is getting it from his son who got what he wanted for his money. What lesson is it to him to allow him the Roblox vouchers and the money in his bank - so he gets £40 by kicking up a stink at his dad's where his brother only gets £20 by being well behaved??? It's tempting to conflate the lack of maintenance and this £20 but they are totally separate issues because the £20 was never and still isn't Mum's.

Original poster

theduchessstill · 28/12/2018 15:57

Yes, you're probably right mytieisascarf, but it's so annoying to think of that £20 wasted. My not allowing him to blow it all on a voucher straight away was supposed to be about teaching him to be more responsible with money than his dad is, but now it's backfired. I feel like by not paying CM he is actually robbing the dc, not me. I don't need his money as such, but he is supposed to pay it for them so looking at it that way round, perhaps it's fitting that ds2 doesn't pay him back.

I am pushing the CM but they are very limited in what they can do because he doesn't do regular work and is very hard up. The latest letter they have sent me says they will be going for some kind of court order which will limit his ability to get credit/mortgages etc, but I doubt it will have any effect on him as he is a financial disaster zone anyway. The only consequence mentioned that doesn't already apply to him is the threat of going to prison, which I wouldn't want to happen anyway.

OP posts:

mytieisascarf · 28/12/2018 16:05

I can't imagine how hard that is @theduchess and you're right - he is absolutely robbing his children. Are they aware of his fuckwittery yet?

BrokenWing · 28/12/2018 16:06

BUT - I think that as the money is your 9 yo DS's money then this is a lesson for him in paying back debt. He told his Dad that he would pay him back and so he really should.

No. ds was told the money was not available for Robolox, so he needs to take the consequences of a pissed off dad for saying he had money he didn't. It is between ds and his dad, don't get involved and don't hand over money.

mytieisascarf · 28/12/2018 16:10

@Broken - his Mum told him he could spend £10 on Roblox if he behaved well all week and he did.

nicenewdusters · 28/12/2018 16:13

I can see the point about not conflating the lack of CM with the dc christmas money. But quite honestly always being the bigger person is bloody tiring. I'd tell your dc that he knew he was only supposed to have £10 worth of vouchers, so he was wrong to lie to his dad and accept £20.

I think you're quite entitled to only give £10 of your dc's money to your ex, he'll just have to take a hit for the rest. Although with £700 in arrears I also think you're entitled to tell him to get lost.

Original poster

theduchessstill · 28/12/2018 16:14

Are they aware of his fuckwittery yet?

I meant to put this in my OP - WIBU to tell ds, in child-friendly terms, a little of what is going on? At the moment he thinks I'm being unfair to his dad, which pisses me off tbh.

OP posts:

RolandDeschainsGilly · 28/12/2018 16:15

Yeeeee they won’t send him to prison. ExH hasn’t paid a penny in 3 years. CMS sent bailiffs. Couldn’t get anything. Started criminal proceedings. ExH signed on the dole - F4J told him the CMS can’t do criminal proceedings if he’s on JSA as he doesn’t have the means to pay. The procedure takes 12-16 weeks. So temps for a bit to earn money —for alcohol— then signs back on. No I don’t know how he manages to repeatedly go back on the dole. But he does.

Basically I wouldn’t hold your breath for any more from CMS. They are all bark no bite.

And no I wouldn’t give him any money either. Cheeky bastard.

BeholdTheNewTablecloth · 28/12/2018 16:15

My parents gave the dc £20 each

Their money.

he could spend £10 on the vouchers at the weekend

This is what you agreed to.

You reneged despite your son doing his part.

You should withdraw at least the ten pounds that was negotiated and give it to your son. If he chooses to pay back his father that is up to him.

Santaisonthesherry · 28/12/2018 16:16

Change £20 into pennies. Post it without postage to exh. He can collect and pay postage at post office.

YearOfYouRemember · 28/12/2018 16:21

Not just Santa on the sherry. Don't do that. Stupid idea.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 28/12/2018 16:24

You did say your son could have the vouchers if he was good, and you say he was so really you should have done that for him - it was his money and not his choice to put it into the savings account. I know what I would do - give your other son £20 to balance things out then tell your ex you have taken the money off the CM he owes you!

nicenewdusters · 28/12/2018 16:25

OP. I think it's entirely fair to let your dc know, very calmly, in age appropriate language, with no name calling etc, that you are their sole financial support. You don't have to run him down, it's just a fact of life that they will come to learn anyway.

Be prepared for them to repeat stuff to him and for them to repeat his answers/opinions/lies back to you. It will most probably give you the rage, but also the knowledge that he knows you are not keeping his halo polished for him.

MrsChollySawcutt · 28/12/2018 16:27

There are two separate issues here:

DS was gifted £20 to spend however he liked. You chose to put a restriction on what he could spend the money on and gave him a set of conditions which he complied with. You did not hold up your end of the bargain and provide a £10 voucher. When DS goes off to his Dad's he asks him if he can spend the £20 gift and gets a different answer. That isn't DS's fault, it happens with split parenting and he shouldn't be penalised because his parents don't agree on something. Dad makes a parenting decision that he can have the money to spend and as you no longer have the cash he provides it. Unless you had explained to the Dad about the conditions you placed on the gift, I don't see that DS has done anything wrong here - he has had his £20 gift, no more, no less.

The £20 is now spent as DS wanted it and therefore the £20 you put into his account is withdrawn and goes back into your purse. If DH owes you CM then if course you do not need to pay him back the £20. Send him a receipt deducting the £20 from his balance owed.

Simples.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 28/12/2018 16:27

And send him an updated invoice for £680 with a 'thanks for your payment' on it.

Knittedfairies · 28/12/2018 16:27

I think the arrears and repaying the vouchers are separate issues; your ex owes you £700 but your son owes his dad £20.

Santaisonthesherry · 28/12/2018 16:29

He has deprived the op of £700 needed to support his own dc. If he so badly wants it back let it cost him to get it.

OhLemons · 28/12/2018 16:30

I think you should withdraw £20 from your son's savings - he shouldn't benefit from the money twice. Tell him you are angry that he lied to get his own way.

Tell your ex that you will deduct £10 off the arrears he owes you as that it how much your son was allowed to spend. Tell him that if he'd behaved as a reasonable adult and communicated properly then he would never have spent £20 in the first place so it's his own fault he lost £10.

Buy yourself something with the tenner!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/12/2018 16:30

Text: oh, ok ex no worries, I’ll just deduct the £20 from the £700 you owe me/your children. Take care

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