Not to pay ex this money on behalf of ds2?

[theduchessstill]

A few week ago my parents gave the dc £20 each when they visited (not a Christmas present). Ds2 (9) wanted to spend all his immediately on Roblox vouchers but, due to his, imo, unhealthy obsession with the game I said no. After some whining and wrangling we decided that if he had a good week in terms of sticking to screen limits without arguing he could spend £10 on the vouchers at the weekend.

He had a good week and didn’t mention the money again. Dc were spending the weekend with ex and ds2 didn’t mention the money at all before I dropped him off. By then I had done what I always do when they’re given cash and don’t spend it – spent the cash and transferred the amount to their bank accounts (Ds1 had wanted to save his). If ds2 had reminded me I would have got him the voucher before dropping him off, but he didn’t mention it so it didn’t occur to me.

A couple of hours later I had to get out of the bath to open the door to ds2 who was demanding the money. Ex was waiting in the car. I didn’t have any cash in the house – had ex rung me to warn me he was going to come by I would have got a tenner out, but as it was I was wrapped in a towel and quite irritated by the whole thing. Ds2 was mentioning £20, not £10, which was annoying, and it was all very stressful. If the dc told me they had cash from ex’s parents no way would I drive them round there demanding it.

They drove off and I thought no more of it. Now it turns out that rather than deal with the tantrum ds2 was obviously about to have and find a way of entertaining him that didn’t involve fucking screen, ex bought him the vouchers – £20 worth. Now ex is saying he is owed this money and really needs it. I don’t want to pay it him - he is £700 in arrears of CM and has never paid me anything, so no way do I want to pay it myself, and I don’t want to pay it from ds2 because I didn’t want £20 wasted on the bloody things. I want to tell him to fuck off and deduct it from the arrears. He's pissed me off more by mentioning it in front of the dc, and ds1 is now asking why I won't pay ex back AIBU?

Give you son the £10 you promised for good behaviour the other £10 to you off the arrears. Your son can hand it over to dad to pay it off with you reiterating that it was £10 that was agreed and so that is what will be returned. If your Ex then says anything advise the other £10 is off the £700 arrears he owns for CM and explain to your son that the other £10 is going to family budget as punishment for him also breaking the deal made.
The nicer option as you did not follow through would be to allow son to keep the other £10 and you to apologise for not getting the voucher that was agreed

It's a tough one @TheDuchess. I know it can be tempting to tell them what Fuckwit Dad owes you, and it is exhausting being the bigger person. I would have a serious think about WHY I wanted them to know. Do you want them to think less of their Dad ( and I think this is a reasonable reponse)? Do you want them to understand your own financial situation? My concerns would be that some children HATE hearing negative things about a parent - and often it can backfire and he can become a figure of pity, someone who needs looking after I personally wouldn't want my child to feel responsible for a feckless Dad. I would also be concerned about worrying them too much about finances/adult stuff. I suppose, ultimately, you know your children best, you know how smart they are, how resilient they are and you know best what their relationship with their Dad is like and how much it means to them. If they feel like you are badmouthing Dad is likely to make them resent you?

Just to say to those saying I reneged on the agreement - ds didn't mention the bloody voucher on that Saturday morning. It therefore didn't enter my head. Not sure why I'm more responsible than him for remembering it - he was the one who wanted it and I have a lot of other things to think about. If he had mentioned it I would have got it.

Not sure why ex spent it anyway - I think he just saw an opportunity to appease ds's roblox obsession and took it, and no doubt that is colouring my opinion,

I’d tell the boys in child friendly terms exactly what the financial situation is and that he owes you a lot of money.

So your sons money will be going to you to pay towards their upkeep. Then withdraw the money and put it in the housekeeping.

I’d also restrict his use of roblox for lying and getting £20 worth of vouchers instead of the agreed £10.

And I would tell ex to go fuck himself.

@The Duchess - you didn't renege on anything FFS! I have a Robox daft child too who would spend everything he had on Roblox. I always do what you did and transfer money from my account into his saving account then spend the cash (usually on kids tbh!)… and they get to spend it whenever they ask for it. It's the week of Christmas ffs - I'm sure Duchess had quite a lot to be thinking about.

How sad that a grown man and father is so desperate for the child's twenty pounds.
Why give it. You had agreed to £10 for the game only.

mytieisascarf I agree with a lot of what you say, it is a very fine line. Dc can be extremely defensive of the non-resident parent, and it's very damaging to run their parent down. I think this has to be balanced against allowing the dc an accurate view of both of their parent's lives.

I think growing up in a situation where much is fudged and unclear, usually to save the reputation of the non-resident dad, is ultimately unhealthy and unfair.

Agreed @Dusters. I think 9 (depending on 9 year old) is perhaps a good age for children to be given some (non blaming, non badmouthing) idea of the reality of their situation. What age is your other son @Duchess?

Give ds the tenner as a Roblox voucher. That's the deal you made with him.

The other tenner stays in his savings, as also agreed.

His dad's finances/what spending money/vouchers he gives the kids are not your problem - honestly, I've had YEARS of ex trying to make this sort of thing my business, & it only stopped when I stopped.

Which leaves the issue that he's effectively given £20 to ds2 & nowt to ds1! But that's not your concern to fix.

I'd just be quietly clear to both boys that their dad has no business spending money your parents gave to them, & that you had designated as 50/50 savings/spends.

So yep, dad has messed up giving ds2 £20 & nothing to ds1. Oh dear. Most unfortunate. But it isn't your job to fix this.

If ds2 wants to give his dad a tenner roblox voucher, that's between them.

Ds1 is 11 and quite negative about his dad having already worked a lot of stuff out for himself. He has made comments like ex being more like a child and how he should get a proper job. I acknowledge his feelings but certainly don't join in with running ex down, if anything I try to explain why he's like he is because I get the sense that he interprets ex' s general shitness as stemming from lack of love for him ,.

Ds2 is very defensive about his dad and always sticks up for him. Tbh I can see ex causing a wedge between them in the future and I don't want to do anything to make that worse, which I may have inadvertently done here.

which I may have inadvertently done here.

This isn't on you at all. I think that children do generally get the measure of the adults in their lives eventually.

Yep, most children are pretty smart and savvy when it comes to sussing out their parent(s). Sometimes it's sad to see that they've realised something negative, but it's real life and if you help frame it appropriately then they can learn to accept it.