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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner being a dictator

29 replies

melt71 · 28/12/2018 15:16

I really need advice as this has been winding me up all day (I'm off work so too much time on my hands to dwell on it!)

My partner has always been quite pushy when it comes to getting his own way, and unlike me, doesn't have any guilt issues about being selfish, so if he wants to do something, he'll just go ahead do it and sod the consequences, as long as he gets his own way.

Most of the time this isn't a problem, I just let him crack on and it doesn't cause too many issues, but because he doesn't drive, sometimes, he brings me into his plans because he needs a car do certain things, so he treats me like his fucking taxi!!

The latest thing he's done is to arrange to see a friend that now lives abroad. I've only met him once and haven't seen/spoke to him in over 10 years! I've never met his wife. I don't dislike him, but I'm not really that keen to see him that I want to spend 2 hours in the car driving there and back!

OH has organised to 1) meet with friend an hour away from our house 2) arranged date of meeting 3) agreed that me and DD will go with him to said meeting. 4) agreed that we'll all go for a meal.

All of this was arranged behind my back and he didn't bother to mention it to me until 2 days ago. Straight away I made it clear I didn't want to go, but he is insistent that I 'make the effort'. Today he is speaking about it all like it's a done deal and we're going. The only reason I suspect that he's so bothered is because he can't get there without me driving.

He is starting to make a bit of a habit of doing things like this and is also getting very manipulative and even verbally abusive when he doesn't get his own way. It's really pissing me off. Do I refuse to do it and spend the next couple of days arguing with him (like last time) or do I go along with it?

What would you do?

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 28/12/2018 15:21

Definitely say no. This will just get worse if you let it continue.

Tell him to learn to drive.

In what other ways is he a dictator?

CatnissEverdene · 28/12/2018 15:21

Dictators can only hold the power when their subjects are willing.

He can't arrange things without talking to you, and if you give in every time, what lesson is he learning?

Get him a bus timetable, and tell him to crack on with his mate.

wineandroses1 · 28/12/2018 15:22

I would reiterate that neither I nor DD would be going. No driving him, no meeting friends, no going for a meal. He can get his own taxi. And if he argues the point tell him to piss off. I wouldn't spend any time arguing with him. I would simply say, not going, not discussing further. Job done.

If he is abusive, you may want to use the time he is visiting his friend to arrange your exit from the relationship. Abusive men only get worse.

HollowTalk · 28/12/2018 15:23

I agree - say there is no way on this earth that you're going.

And while he's out of the house, have a good think about what this man brings to your life.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/12/2018 15:36

Just say NO.
Don't argue about it.
It's a straight forward NO.
When it comes to the day then take DD and go out somewhere else with her on your own.
He needs to learn to drive.
Simples!
If he tries to argue then it's...
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
Do not explain yourself.
He needs to learn that NO means NO!
You seem to cave.
Don't give in to his bullying ways.
And honestly... He sounds horrible!

Original poster
melt71 · 28/12/2018 15:36

In what other ways is he a dictator?

He is stubborn and unapproachable, so he'll do something like this (not often admittedly, but he does make decisions that affect me) and then when I say 'no' or 'I don't agree', he kicks off about it because he can't understand that it should be my decision as well. Eventually, a couple of days later usually, he'll come to his senses and will admit that I was right all along, but I just can't be arsed with the drama of the arguing about it in the first place. I just want to have an adult discussion with the need for all of the theatrics!

And while he's out of the house, have a good think about what this man brings to your life.

He is usually a very good man, works hard, doesn't drink or disappear down the pub all the time, he spends most of his free time with us, and he has got better at not being as lazy around the house (he went through a period of that a year or so ago).

But his stubbornness (and the effects of those stubborn decisions he makes) is getting worse by the year. I've seen how stubborn his family are, this is clearly a family trait that gets worse with age.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 28/12/2018 15:42

Interestingly, dictators in teh political world have to be more populist, and listen to the people more, than elected politicians. Because otherwise the people rebel, the dictators have no mandate and no rights.

Grab your pitchfork, write a placard and think about why you describe his 'good' attributes in negative terms. doesn't drink or disappear down the pub all the time, he spends most of his free time with us, and he has got better at not being as lazy around the housesounds like damning with faint praise. Not being as big an arsehole as some men isn't a selling point.

Arguing with you for two days about something you didn't want to do or agree to is unacceptable.

Grace212 · 28/12/2018 15:42

your list of good points isn't ...a list of good points..! You're basically saying he's good because he's around and doesn't drink?

you've set the bar very low.

blackteasplease · 28/12/2018 15:43

Definitely say no. Because of this attitude rather than despite it. He'll learn that he gets his way by making life difficult otherwise.

gamerchick · 28/12/2018 15:49

Plonk the bus times in front of him then close your ears to his whining. If you keep caving then nothing will change.

He needs to learn how to drive I think.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2018 16:05

FGS, aren't you fed up living like this? Tell him the answer is NO and let the arsehole have his tantrum. Stop being such a mug.

MsVestibule · 28/12/2018 16:15

'No, I don't want to go and I don't want to talk about it anymore'. Surely in a normal relationship, that should be all that should be said? Perhaps time to start putting your foot down? And if he reacts badly, it's time to start reconsidering your relationship.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/12/2018 16:18

Why doesn't he drive?

Squidgee · 28/12/2018 16:23

Can I ask why a man of his age doesn't drive? Just curious is all.

As for the rest.. he shouldn't be arranging stuff like that without running it by you, especially if he's relying on you to get him there.

However, in this instance I would probably give in so he can go to see his friend, but I would be having a very stern talk and making it clear if he does it again, the answer will be no and there will be no backing down on your part.

Holidayshopping · 28/12/2018 16:24

He’s being a twat.

However, if he keeps arranging things you don’t want to do and you just keep going along with it, nothing will change and he will keep getting his own way.

If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

Do you want to start making a change?

Kikipost · 28/12/2018 16:24

The very fact you call him a dictator really says it all. It’s not working.

As for making arrangements without asking you first, very rude (although I suspect many woman do it to their partners!) and YANBU to be very pissed off

Original poster
melt71 · 28/12/2018 17:26

Well we argued. He realised I wasn't impressed especially when he came home and said we'd have to leave in 1/2 hour! He hadn't told me a meeting time before that.

I tried telling him why I wasn't happy. But he didn't listen and just stormed off to get ready saying 'I'll go on my own then'. He tried turning it around on me and saying I never want to go anywhere etc and when I pointed out that it may have made a difference if he had INVITED me, rather than make arrangements and then tell me 'we are going...' he got cross and said he was going up to his mate's house for a few days over New Year.

Which is lucky as I'd been looking at places for me to stay over NY. He doesn't realise it but he's saved me a futune Wink.

So he's riding his motorbike there tonight.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 28/12/2018 17:30

So he can drive a motorbike

Cheerbear23 · 28/12/2018 17:42

Good. Let him stew on it.
I wouldn’t have wanted to go in those circumstances either -he needs to realise your opinion is equal to his.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 28/12/2018 17:45

He sounds a peach 😒

Original poster
melt71 · 28/12/2018 17:45

Yes he has a full motorbike licence, he has never got around to getting his car licence. He relies on lifts most of the time especially in bad weather.

OP posts:
Original poster
melt71 · 28/12/2018 17:52

He honestly has got worse. Nobody is perfect, I'm certainly not. But our relationship since his mum died 2.5 years ago has just got SO much worse. He used to make me laugh everyday and occasionally be grumpy, now he is Victor Meldrew most days and occasionally makes me laugh. I thought things would gradually improve as he came to terms with losing his mum and sometimes I see glimmers of the old OH I fell in love with, but generally things are not great.

I don't know how much longer I can stick it out to be honest. I'm starting to think I'd be better off walking away.

OP posts:
Pa10ma · 28/12/2018 18:08

How old is he OP?
Just to play devil’s advocate for a minute - Are you saying he asked you to drive an hour to meet with a friend if his and his wife?
On the surface of it, is this really a massive deal? As you say, this friend lives abroad and happens to be over now. He probably has a lot of people to see at this time of year, he might not be that flexible and your DH has jumped at the chance to go and we him. It’s only lunch. If this guy’s wife is going, your DH would obviously want to take you. It’s not dictatorial. To be perfectly honest, I think most partners would just go along and not create a standoff over a lunch.

Not driving and expecting you to drive him about is a different matter - and quite odd.

Grace212 · 28/12/2018 18:19

it does sound like you'd be better walking away. No redeeming features at all.

Dimsumlosesum · 28/12/2018 18:22

Gawd, imagine spending the rest of your life having to live with and deal with that.