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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not leave my kids with SIL & BIL over a photo album?

46 replies

EightWellies · 28/12/2018 10:52

This may be unbelievable petty. I'm looking for some perspective. SIL and BIL are generally not very keen on me, but are on DW (sister to BIL) and our two DDs (6 & 2). I'm not keen on them either, but love their 3 DDs, who are a good bit older, to bits. I've overheard SIL a few times saying mildly derogatory things about me in front of DD1.

They gave DD1 a photo album for Christmas, filled with photos of a trip with extended family, which we were all on. I am not in it. Dozens of pics of everyone else on the holiday and I'm not in it at all. I know SIL took pics with me in them.

We're supposed to be swapping kids tomorrow, so that we can take their girls to spend their vouchers. I don't want to leave our girls with them, as I feel completely undermined. I'd rather just stay at home with our girls and let DW take our nieces to the shops.

Leaving them would be a big deal. Both our girls are adopted and this 3 hours or so would be the longest we've left DD2. DD1 has SEN (unacknowledged by them), very sensitive and is always hard to handle after she's been at their house.

I'm feeling like I don't want to expose them to people who dislike me so blatantly, but DD1 does seem to like being there at the time and I don't want to punish her or my nieces. AIBU to keep them home?

OP posts:
ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 28/12/2018 10:54

They sound like arseholes tbh, but the biggest reason I wouldn’t leave my kids with them is that if they don’t acknowledge or understand their SEN, they can’t adequately care for them.

Original poster
EightWellies · 28/12/2018 11:06

Thanks for the reply. Part of the nature of DD1's needs mean that she can be overly clingy with other adults and rejecting to us, so I feel like having other adults undermine me is particularly harmful for her. DW thinks I'm overreacting though.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 28/12/2018 11:08

Personally, I think YABU it’s about the girls not you.

What does your wife say about this?

I understand how this would feel hurtful but this is a knee jerk reaction, a better course of action might be for your wife to have a word with the brother and say “this isn’t on” They will likely claim it’s a genuine mistake but it puts them on notice for future behaviour.

Out of interest what sort of “derogatory” things did you overhear?

Original poster
EightWellies · 28/12/2018 11:08

Sorry, that might have been a drip feed.

OP posts:
Original poster
EightWellies · 28/12/2018 11:11

trojan related to my parenting - saying that I'm too strict and poor DD1. They don't seem to get that both girls need firm and consistent boundaries to feel safe.

You might be right about the knee jerk. It just feels like the last straw.

OP posts:
Whatshouldidointhenewyear · 28/12/2018 11:12

My emotional response would be to say you’re absolutely right, don’t leave your beautiful girls with them.

My logical side thinks that you’re likely to need support in the future and they can offer this.

Sirzy · 28/12/2018 11:13

If you don’t get on they they are unlikely to have taken photos of you!

Let them go and have fun. It’s important to have bonds With the wider family

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 28/12/2018 11:14

If your DDs needs aren’t met with them, and she struggles when she gets home, I don’t see why what you’re saying is wrong.

She has to be what matters (and your other DD too obviously). Screw appeasing adults at the expense of a child.

My 3 all have ASN, I rarely leave them, but when I do it’s with someone I trust to understand their needs and properly care for them. Anything else would be neglectful.

Blueemeraldagain · 28/12/2018 11:14

If your eldest daughter has an attachment disorder it is very important that you (and her mother) are not undermined in any way by other people. That will be a very scary experience for her. I think you need to try and get your wife, BIL and SIL to do some reading around the subject.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2018 11:14

Don't punish the girls. If they'll all enjoy it, let them go. Howeer your DW needs to talk to her DB seperately.
I'm not sure if your male or female - are the comments homophobic? Is there a history of something happening between you and DW to put SIL off side?

I'd tackle it seperstely from today unless she says something whilst you're there in which case challenge it. And you or DW need to challenge it every time it happens

Witchend · 28/12/2018 11:15

I can imagine how you could do an album and end up missing someone. Dh did one once of a big holiday with his family never again and he made sure there were approximately even numbers of the people there.
But when he did it, there was one family group that none of the photos of them were ideal. If he'd done it just on best photos, then they would have been only there on the group one.
It wasn't that they didn't have photos of them, but more that they came out badly, or the middle one was turning around/bad expression etc in each photo.

gruffalomom · 28/12/2018 11:17

I Do think yabu and overly sensitive. There could be lots of reasons they have chosen the photos they have chosen for the album, it's a leap on your part to think they've deliberately left you out of it.

If your children want to go then let them go.

We don't get to choose our in laws and we don't have to like them. Biting your tongue with family is a part of parenting sometimes I'm afraid.

planespotting · 28/12/2018 11:19

I don't know OP.
I was left to organise a photo album for my grandma.
I asked everyone for pictures. My brother didn't send any.
Then I realised that my sister had just separated so I decided to do an album with our side of the family with pictures mostly from us as kids.
I didn't put any pics of partners except from a pic from a distance that I thought included everyone as it was from a big wedding.
When the album was printed my brother kicked up a major fuss because his wife wasn't in any.

I am sorry but I just tried my best to compile a selection and found the ones that were best for my nan.

I thought it was plain ridiculous and petty to make it about my SIL, it was not a present for her.

planespotting · 28/12/2018 11:21

I mean OP, you browsed through the album looking for your pic.
Your DD probably just enjoyed looking at the faces there.
It is her present not yours

qazxc · 28/12/2018 11:23

The album thing I would bite tongue and let go.
If you feel that they are unable or unwilling to look after your DD's, that's a different kettle of fish.
What does your DW say?

Cherries101 · 28/12/2018 11:24

The SIL probably likes that your DD1 is clingy to her as that undermines you. I think you shouldn’t let them go personally — adopted kids need a lot more careful handling. What works or makes sense for other kids won’t always be right for them and your DW needs to start thinking about what’s best for them.

Original poster
EightWellies · 28/12/2018 11:25

I am female, but they are not at all homophobic.

The trip was just our family, their family and my MIL. SIL definitely has photos of the trip with me in them.

I guess I'm just trying to separate out my feelings from what would be best for the DDs.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2018 11:29

I think they are very fucking unreasonable to have left you out of the album entirely, as though you simply aren't part of the family. Fucking rude.

I would go through the album and paste pics of yourself in as well, in all honesty. I can't stand that sort of divisiveso continue to put you down - but also, as others have said, because they refuse to acknowledge your DD1's SEN. That is hopeltform of ASD/SEN, and a grandmother (paternal) who refuses to accept there's anything wrong - it's fucking awful for my friend, and even the children are now starting to realise how bad it is. One of them has meds every day but Nanny doesn't give them to the child because Nanny reckons there's nothing wrong with the child - the child itself wants to take the meds because of course they help!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2018 11:31

Oh wow, bloody laptop just deleted a whole section of that post - sorry!

Should say this:

...That is hopelessly awful of them.
I have a friend who has 4DC, all of whom have some form of ASD/SEN, and a grandmother (paternal)...

Original poster
EightWellies · 28/12/2018 11:32

Oh and yes, DD1 does have an attachment disorder, plus other stuff in the mix.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 28/12/2018 11:33

Christmas is generally fraught with tension so I would hold off.

Whether or not they are perfect they clearly love your kids and that’s a good thing.

I think you should let the album go but separately it may be worth your wife having a general chat with them about the children’s needs in terms of routine etc. and about messaging to children “don’t be sad DD, daddy is telling you that because he loves you and wants you to be safe” vs “mean daddy telling you you can’t stroke the horses!”

Do they think your wife is “too strict” as well?

Original poster
EightWellies · 28/12/2018 11:34

Thank you for all the responses. I hear what many are saying that it's not about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
EightWellies · 28/12/2018 11:36

Thanks Trojan but I'm their mummy 😊. They do think DW is a bit too strict too, but me more so.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2018 11:37

Given its personality not an objection to DS being gay I'd try and work on it. After today get DW to speak to her DB about whats happening and how it affects the girls

swingofthings · 28/12/2018 11:42

Be the stronger person and let her go. What matters is that she treats your DD well and they seem to be doing that. It would be a lot worse if they were ignoring them.

If you refuse you are rising to their pittiness and that won't be any good example to show your kids or nieces.

In the end, who cares. At best your DD didnt notice, at worse she did and you can just make a joke of it.

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