aibu To feel I am being taken for granted?

[StandardViking]

We live in a very rural area, and have an elderly neighbour who is 90. Since we moved here last year, I have done a lot of things to help on a daily basis.

In the last few months she has been told she cannot drive. She does have relatives, as she has a large family. And only one or two come and see her and take her shopping once a week. Her daughter is aware of how much I am doing, and only lives a few miles away.
Recently the elderly neighbour rang me at 8.30pm, to say she'd had a fall and needed bandaging! I went round to find her arm all split open, she'd hit her head, but refused a doctor.
Since then she has given herself food poisoning, and rang me to help her clean up, as she'd sh!te herself in the chair....vomited... you get the picture, and wanted help with stained clothing. It had come out and gone everywhere.
I have bought her tena pads out of my own money. Plus other things like going and collecting her pills etc.

I told her I wouldn't be round on Christmas day, I just wanted a quiet day, and the following day she was really grumpy that I hadn't been around, despite going round twice on xmas eve to help.
Yesterday she showed me her toilet, ( I nearly vomited ) and how the lid is broken and it's too low for her. It's clear she's expecting me to fit a hand rail and a new seat. I told her to tell her daughter, but she seems to think a 65 year old daughter can't help. She has a 30 year old grandson too.
Thing is, I'm not a carer, the daughter has never come round and said thanks for all you ( I ) do. The whole thing is getting me down, and I am feeling pretty pissed off that my kind gestures have become the daily carer / home help.
I feel like just saying fuck it, and not helping anymore. It's become a chore to go around every day, sometimes twice or more to help. Aibu to feel used?!

Ring her family members directly and kick off OR politely explain they are not doing enough for her.

You're not being unreasonable at all. Do you have the contact details for the daughter?

you are far from unreasonable! An odd visit or picking up bread from the shops is plenty when she has family!

Maybe make a call to adult social services for a welfare check so that she can get some formal home help?

Social services might be an option
This sounds like an elderly person at risk to herself

You are being taken advantage of. I think a call to social services may help. We had similar with 2 elderly neighbours and while not doing nearly as much as you are doing it was very difficult. Big difference helping out in an emergency but this is different, the neighbour needs carers coming in.

You need to leave a note for her daughter to read when she’s there next and tell her her mother needs changes to her home that she (daughter) needs to discuss with her mother. Then something along the lines of you’re not able to continue coming as regularly then back away from visiting this woman.

Does the daughter know you bandaged her mum? And cleaned up the mess after the food poisoning incident? As an aside, even carers aren’t allowed to dress a wound, a medical professional has to do it.

You need to stand firm here and ignore her calls and get her to call her daughter first, not you. The responsibility is not yours.

Wow you are definitely going above and beyond! You definitely need to speak to her daughter and I think social services too.

To be honest I also think you are going to have to be tougher, because you are a kind person that probably won't come easy and you will feel bad but I think needs must long term i.e. when she had food poisoning, I would have said "Right ok I'll call your daughter/grandson, I'm not cleaning up Mary, that's too far for me" and called them there and then, no way I would have cleaned up.

It's new year soon so you should say to her "Mary these visits are too much, you are taking for granted I'll be over and it's not fair so from new year I'll pop in once a week to see how your doing, you can call in an emergency of course, if you fall or anything, but otherwise you have to call your kids"

If you don't nip it in the bud now this will be worse the older she gets

Yes speak to the family either get her number or next time one of them call speak to them . You need to be firm collecting pills is helping, cleaning shit is completely different. Clearly this lady needs help and is relying on you more and more that you have to tell her your not available on Christmas Day and she took the huff , even carers get a day off .

DEFINITELY one for social services. Ring your local council, explain the situation and be VERY firm in stating you will no longer be involved otherwise the social worker may record that this lady doesn't require as much help as she has a very supportive neighbour (I say this as a social worker). As for a social worker to assess her care needs and occupational therapist to look at the equipment in her home as it sounds like she needs a toilet seat raiser for a start. Tell social services she had a daughter and they will contact her to discuss her mother and thereby bring her more on board. She needs to be doing more for her mother - more than what you (her neighbour) does at the very least!

Based on what you've said it sounds like she would definitely qualify for some help in the home in the form of visiting carers. However - be wary - social services may end up not providing carers (for 3 reasons) in which case you may end up feeling obliged/ trapped in your role.

1. they assess her as being quite able to cook, mobilise and toilet within her own home with the aid of equipment and so don't feel she needs them. In which case follow their decision and stand firm and DO NOT step in and help her with the things you've been helping her with as it just masks her needs and she won't ever push for help from ss as she's getting it from you.
2. she has over 23k in monetary savings (not including her house value) so social services deem her able to find and fund carers herself. In which case again definitely do not provide your services when this woman can clear afford to pay someone to do what you're doing for free.
3. due to the rural area social services physically cannot find any carers in the area... sadly this is something my local authority often struggles with. Older people who badly need care but there is simply no service to provide it. Usually we offer them a stay in a care home til community care is found but they understandably often refuse this and so just end up struggling on... in which case - if you're happy to do the care but want some form of appreciation, you can discuss direct payments with social services to see if you can get paid for your support. But if you're not happy continuing even with payment then you'll just have to hold back - even when she asks for help to try to force her family to become more aware of her needs and consequently more involved. You helping is lovely but risks masking her needs. HTH.

Watch out for the daughter to visit and then March over.
"Hi, glad I've seen you. Not sure whether your mum tells you the truth about what's going on here but recently I've had to X, Y and Z for her. Clearly she needs much more help than she is telling you and I think it's not great to have a stranger doing such intimate things for your mum. I'm a daughter too so I knew you'd think the same so I'll leave it with you to sort out. And I've taken my number out of her phone so she'll have to accept its a family matter. Ta-ra then".
If you make out that the daughter would deal with it if she only knew about it, you can say virtually anything.

The family don't have a legal responsibility. If they're giving as much as they feel able to do, someone has to take up the slack, but it shouldn't be you. So I'd suggest either tell the daughter you are no longer willing to do what you have been doing and she needs to get social services involved, or go to social services yourself.

I think you need to step away, it’s not fair on you.

Tell social services she had a daughter and they will contact her to discuss her mother and thereby bring her more on board. She needs to be doing more for her mother - more than what you (her neighbour) does at the very least!

You say this and that you’re a social worker??

There is absolutely zero requirement on family members to provide assistance to one another. She doesn’t need to do anything. And if she says “nope, don’t want to get involved” then social services won’t be able to “bring her on board”.
That’s the reality of the situation.

Picking up her pills and doing a bit of shopping on occasion- fine.

Cleaning up her shit and vomit and dealing with open wounds - NOT fine, and not your job.

You need to get hold of the daughters number and call her each and every time something like this happens. This is way outside of your remit as a friendly neighbor. Call the daughter and tell them you are concerned about these instances and that you will next time have to call SS for them to assess her, as you should NOT be responsible for this.

You are a kind person who is being taken advantage of.
Call the daughter and explain that you will not be her mother's carer from now on, she needs to source proper support for her mother.
You can still be a friend to your neighbour, but you're going to have to be firm about boundaries - the odd cup of tea or trip to the shops is fine. Personal care or health care and daily visits is beyond your responsibility.

There is no way you should be dealing with her vomit and poo, no way. It's not your job. You should speak to her daughter and maybe the district nurse at her GP practice.
Personal care is not your responsibility.

You also need the CONSENT of the person you’re phoning about. Social Services can’t pop over to every person someone calls in about. If the person says they’re fine (because you’re clearing up everything for them) SS will leave them be.
There are really horrible situations out there and unfortunately the s&d isn’t urgent to them.

Anyone that needs my help with matters has to accept I need to do what I find appropriate.

If you go and find an elderly woman with a head injury, or serious D&V drug I don't see any problem with phoning an ambulance. You're not family, you can't take any medical responsibility for her health, she can't look after herself - get her into some decent hands if her daughter can't help.

Yes you are being taken advantage of, and with the daughter only a few miles away it’s disgraceful. But unless the daughter herself contacts SS it is unlikely they will do anything.

Sorry - just read back my message. I only put consent in bold as no one else had mentioned it....I’m not shouting at you!
This sounds like such a tough situation and I’ve been dragged into similar in the past.
I now work on an admin side of social services and can see so many situations like your own and I know how we treat this. Bandages- call GP, s&d mess in house - call a cleaner, pick up prescriptions - get them delivered, pick up shopping - get enabler (some voluntary) Age UK website is really good. Also look at a carers website for your area as that’s what you’re doing so you can leave info for daughter (if she wants to be involved)
In my area getting OT equipment takes ages, if people can afford it we direct them to trading standards lists of trusted workers to get it done themselves.
Packages of care take a good while to set up too.
To be honest I’d do 1 of 2 things:

1. lie! Say I was poorly and couldn’t come around. Then I’d just pull back relations to friendly neighbour again.
2. feign ignorance (what I did with DH if he was trying to give wifework) - “I need a toilet frame/grab rails”, “gosh, do you? I’m not sure what you need. Maybe phone SS? Oh I don’t know. Maybe your daughter will? Can she go to Homebase for you? I’m as lost as you are neighbour!” Sounds really tough, but you must look after yourself in these situations too. Maybe log every incident with SS too so theirs a tally of what this person is asking for. Good luck

I know of three people in this situation and the only way is to be very clear what you are able to do and then back off. One of them had to be very firm when a relative called to ask her why she’d not done a caring task for her neighbour! They now know what to expect and the neighbour/family has accepted they will need to get a carer in for anything else. She still helps them a lot (and other neighbours actually) but she doesn’t step beyond her comfort zone.

Find out what is available and make it clear she will need to source a qualified carer for anything beyond the basics you are able to help with - be very clear about what you will do and then stick with it. It’s hard to leave someone struggling but funding cuts mean she won’t get any help whilst you are doing it. Likewise, if it’s a case of her needing to pay for it then she won’t do that whilst you’re providing it free.

She may not be telling her family how things are so be aware of that.

If anyone tries to guilt trip you, tell them to do one because you matter too - you can’t help anyone if you run yourself into the ground.

Either her family don't know how much you are doing or they want to ignore it. Social services should be able to help. It sounds like she needs a carer or possibly to be in a home.

Oh my goodness!!! THANK YOU!!

Thank you to each and everyone of you, for taking the time to reply, and for being so kind and understanding.
With a real sense of relief, and a great weight off my shoulders I am going to withdraw all help.
The other relatives, and daughter have been told how much I have been doing, but it's been pretty gutting not to even have a thank you. The daughter saw me over the fence recently, and totally ignored me, it was quite gutting that she could've said something and didn't.

I guess it will only get worse for me the more I do, as more gets expected, and it snowballs.

So please accept a huge heartfelt thank you from me, for all your kind words and wisdom.

View your relationship like the postman would, you can help if you are caught outside , but not linger.

For a start feign a d&V bug (you just have got it from her) so you can very firmly say "I could not talk to you yesterday, I was unwell" etc. Just get yourself out of the routine. You don't need to make an excuse but it might feel more comfortable.

I think it’s absolutely terrible the daughter hasn’t acknowledged it.

In her shoes I’d pretty much be kissing your feet and buying you a fancy Christmas present

I would back right off as this is way beyond anything you should have to do.