aibu To feel I am being taken for granted?

[StandardViking]

We live in a very rural area, and have an elderly neighbour who is 90. Since we moved here last year, I have done a lot of things to help on a daily basis.

In the last few months she has been told she cannot drive. She does have relatives, as she has a large family. And only one or two come and see her and take her shopping once a week. Her daughter is aware of how much I am doing, and only lives a few miles away.
Recently the elderly neighbour rang me at 8.30pm, to say she'd had a fall and needed bandaging! I went round to find her arm all split open, she'd hit her head, but refused a doctor.
Since then she has given herself food poisoning, and rang me to help her clean up, as she'd sh!te herself in the chair....vomited... you get the picture, and wanted help with stained clothing. It had come out and gone everywhere.
I have bought her tena pads out of my own money. Plus other things like going and collecting her pills etc.

I told her I wouldn't be round on Christmas day, I just wanted a quiet day, and the following day she was really grumpy that I hadn't been around, despite going round twice on xmas eve to help.
Yesterday she showed me her toilet, ( I nearly vomited ) and how the lid is broken and it's too low for her. It's clear she's expecting me to fit a hand rail and a new seat. I told her to tell her daughter, but she seems to think a 65 year old daughter can't help. She has a 30 year old grandson too.
Thing is, I'm not a carer, the daughter has never come round and said thanks for all you ( I ) do. The whole thing is getting me down, and I am feeling pretty pissed off that my kind gestures have become the daily carer / home help.
I feel like just saying fuck it, and not helping anymore. It's become a chore to go around every day, sometimes twice or more to help. Aibu to feel used?!

I think I would tell a white lie to make it clear that you can't help any more. Maybe say that you have pulled a muscle or other medical reason over Christmas and that you are going to be out of action for the foreseeable future (forever)? I definitely think you need to tell old lady and daughter and make it clear that you are not available at all.

Sounds like she needs a Social care assessment and maybe an occupational therapy assessment. I would give family the chance to make referral and if they don't then I would.

The daughter saw me over the fence recently, and totally ignored me, it was quite gutting that she could've said something and didn't.

Wow, that’s awful.

I would do as the others say. Tell a white lie and say you’re unable to help for the foreseeable and to suggest if her own family can’t help, she needs to ring social services.

This happened to a friend of mine recently. Her elderly neighbour was ringing her all the time-she did all sorts of things for her, for years whilst the (pretty local) family members stayed well away.

The woman is in a home now and the family have sold her house to a developer who is knocking it down and building loads of tiny flats (with no parking!) next door to my friend which she’s furious about! The family never thanked her for anything-never even spoke to her.

Doing a bit of shopping or an occasional trip to the pharmacy- fine, that's just being nice to a neighbour, which a lot of people would think was normal. To be cleaning her up when she's in the state you described is not ok at all, that's something a carer (or a family member has taken on the responsibility) should be doing. It sounds as though her family are not in the slightest bit bothered. I would contact social services and let them know that there is a frail person not managing at home and without the necessary help and you consider her to be in danger (falls etc)

About 15yrs ago I had an elderly neighbour who was repeatedly hospitalised and sent home alone to her first floor flat (apparently she told them she'd be fine, although she was barely mobile). She would wake me at 6am wailing in the hall then knocking if I didn't come out. Not sure if that sounds as horrible as it was, but there's nothing like being awakened by wailing in the dark, and her flat was in a similar state with bowls of vomit and urine. I rang her GP and I social services and eventually they sorted it, but I had to spend hours on the phone chasing it up.

No one wants to refuse to help a vulnerable person, but you are not the appropriate help, and she is entitled to appropriate services.

I would not wait for her family to pull their finger out OP, I'd start by contacting social services. And if she expects you to handle injuries, bodily fluids etc do ring 111/999 as appropriate, don't wait for your neighbour to choose.

The other potential issue with doing too much is the family can start accusing you of trying to take money from their elderly relative, as happened with a friend of mine. She’s had to cut contact now the elderly lady has dementia and gets confused because being accused of having a hidden motive upsets her too much. Glad you feel more able to be assertive now.

You are a really nice person however you are not doing her any favours.

She clearly needs proper help however as long as you step up everyone else will wash their hands and leave you to it.

It is best for her and you to step back and say sorry but nope.

@kikipost I'm aware of that- but the neighbour shouldnt feel they need to be doing this much, more so if the daughter is just dropping shopping off once or twice a week. Either the daughter is not aware of how much help her mother needs and so would be mortified that she had been unaware and had left such intimate tasks (such as cleaning up her mother's poo and vomit) to the neighbour. Or her daughter is well aware but has chosen to step back and leave it to the neighbour.

I have worked with many families who have allowed neighbours/friends of their parents to do way more than they have been expected to do, because it was easier for the grown up children to ignore the issue and do less.

I have had families refuse to take their elderly parents home from hospital during christmas because they didnt want to deal with them over christmas- thereby causing a bed blocking issue. It is totally within their right of course, but I cant help feeling children should be more caring towards their own parents or at least more proactive in working with social services and their parents to get formal care in- rather than having their neighbours/ friends struggle on because it is easier for them to not have to deal with it.

I'm very sympathetic towards the grown up children I work with. I know how hard it is to see your mum or dad disintegrate to someone you dont even recognise anymore... And it is so hard to deal with. But I also feel sorry for the neighbours/friends who tend to be on their knees with the stress- but due to a sense of loyalty and obligation, carry on providing above and beyond care for the elderly person who ends up having very high needs. But I most of all feel sorry for the elderly people in these circumstances and I work very hard to try to help them to receive the help they deserve and to preserve their dignity and independence along with it.

I think you are a great neighbour but I do feel sorry that you are being exploited; not the old lady's fault of course, I feel sorry for her too.

You do need to contact her relatives and if they don't step up, get on to social services. You can't go on like this. As someone above suggested, tell a white lie, that you have injured yourself or similar.

You can hire or borrow aids for the house from Red Cross. Neighbour can pay to have alarm fitted if she has a fall. Some pharmacies offer free delivery for regular medicine/prescriptions. It sounds like she could do with hiring a weekly cleaner or carer. You are being very kind.

This is not on.

I could not clean up that kind of mess from my 7 year old son let alone a random neighbour.

You need to put your foot down with the family.

it's just not your job. I hope you are able to back out, without a major falling out - but it's not your fault if it happens.