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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What shall I make of this then?

26 replies

Upsetnamechange · 28/12/2018 00:26

I don't know if it's because Christmas is an emotional time, I'm being very sensitive or actually they are knobs...even if I was hideous should they say it..?
An extended member of family made a remark about my looks then his son 'joked' to me about a mad scientist having invented me with bolts etc Hmm
Really gobsmacked as it came out of nowhere and to be fair I'm tall and used to be very attractive but I've put on around 4 stone partially through being maybes slightly depressed an pre occupied with my child having a serious illness (yes this has changed me as a person but for the better as I have alot more care for others ).
I'm gutted...I love this person but I can't get how they've made me feel out of my head.
I'm always the one to include them all and go out of my way to be kind to them...
I'm starting to think I should reavaluate myself and realise I really shouldn't be as confident as I am and I'm naive to think people take you for your personality. ?
Can weight gain really make someone into 'a monster' in someone else's eyes,??
I can't believe this has had tarred my Christmas...furious at myself for letting it Sad

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/12/2018 00:29

This is extremely rude. How did you respond? YADNBU to be annoyed. These people need to be made aware how they have made you feel in my opinion.

AGHHHH · 28/12/2018 00:33

Talking about someone's appearance in some an insulting way is never OK, even under the guise of a joke. Yanbu. Cheeky cunts.

Original poster
Upsetnamechange · 28/12/2018 00:36

Unbelievably, I didn't make a scene...I just said hey I'm no monster and tried to carry on as normal ..I was proud of myself as I'm normally fiery and very straight but I didn't want any drama but I just don't know how to take this...
Why would they say it if I'm not hideous but how can I go from being one extreme to another just through four flipping stones...
Just don't think I'll ever be the same Ruth him...he's normally such a gent too :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
Upsetnamechange · 28/12/2018 00:38

*with

OP posts:
cathcath2 · 28/12/2018 00:39

YANBU - that is just rude! There is no excuse for it.

tastylancs · 28/12/2018 00:41

I think I'd feel the same OP. Even if they'd had a few too many sherries you can't unhear what they said.

brizzledrizzle · 28/12/2018 00:42

They are knobs.

Refilona · 28/12/2018 00:44

I’d only relax if I told them how confused I was at how unbelievably rude they were and saw them squirm and try to apologise. Otherwise it’d really upset me and I wouldn’t be able to put it behind me. Also, they’ll probably do it again if you don’t put them in their places ASAP.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/12/2018 00:44

Could they have been referring to something else like the outfit you were wearing or your hair being a bit wild or something?

I say this not in their defence but because the choice of words seems odd if referring to you being overweight.

Original poster
Upsetnamechange · 28/12/2018 00:54

That's why I can't understand this ...yes I'm tall 5ft 8 and I've put on weight but I've always been described as attractive (although I don't feel it)
Like I say I'm quite what you see is what you get and have no time for drama etc, I'm the same with men as I am with women...I don't know if it's because they have very timid wives who obviously I love but are very different from me...ah god I'm clutching at straws now..I just don't know but it's made me feel like utter crap and I would never be unkind to them Confused

OP posts:
LittlePaintBox · 28/12/2018 00:59

Oh, come on ... this is just plain bloody RUDENESS, no son thinks his mum is a monster, he just thought he was joining in a joke, and whoever expressed an opinion about your appearance is probably no oil painting either.

I really sympathise with your feeling hurt by such crappy behaviour, but please don't assume it's based in a true perception of your appearance.

madcatladyforever · 28/12/2018 01:02

I'm afraid I would have told them to just f**k off. I'm not a fishwife normally but really haven't we all had enough of this shit?

Jux · 28/12/2018 01:05

That was extremely rude and unkind of them.

Leave it for a littlehie until you have stopped being emotional about it, and then ask them what on earth they were thinking.

Original poster
Upsetnamechange · 28/12/2018 01:08

littkepaintbox it wasn't my son...my son's still think I'm a princess (thank god haha)

OP posts:
Topseyt · 28/12/2018 01:09

They were very rude, and I think you should tell them.

Text and say something along the lines of thanks for coming, but you were surprised and hurt by these remarks from a person who you have previously held in high esteem and you are now feeling very deflated and disappointed.

That might give them pause for thought.

jessstan2 · 28/12/2018 01:13

How very rude, you are not at all unreasonable to be hurt by such remarks. I think if someone said that to me I'd burst into tears.

I certainly would be less friendly with that person from now on. Sometimes people don't know their own strength when it comes to words.

Flowers
LittlePaintBox · 28/12/2018 01:14

my son's still think I'm a princess (thank god haha)

Well, they're right. The opinion of someone as rude as this doesn't even count next to the opinion of your sons Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2018 01:16

One of the things that would get us into the most trouble with our mum was making, as she would call them, 'personal remarks'. We were taught that it was the ultimate of ill-breeding to make a negative remark on someone's appearance. "If you can't say something nice, etc etc" was drilled into us. And we weren't the only ones taught this!

Somehow this lesson has been lost nowadays and people feel it's OK to make personal remarks. Now it's "Hey, it's just banter" or "I'm just telling it like it is". No, it's rude in the extreme!!!

There is nothing 'wrong' with you OP, but a great deal wrong with the person who made the rude and hurtful remark!

Original poster
Upsetnamechange · 28/12/2018 01:20

You are all right...I will never forget this.
Even if they are misogynistic as I'm normally so fiery i will never take to them the same way...I always thought the best of them.
Makes me actually realise how lucky I am with my husband...in twenty years he would never diss my appearance, just a shame his relationship with them will probably not be the same either Sad
Thanks for your perspectives, it really does help when you can't understand what's going on.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 28/12/2018 01:37

OP this is not remotely acceptable behaviour, and to allow a Child to then continue the insults under the guise of a fucking Joke is reprehensible. I would never ever have this TRASH in my home or my own family events ever again. I’m stunned that nobody said anything to this pair of ignorant arrogant twats. Hugs OP Flowers

posthistoricmonsters · 28/12/2018 01:39

I'm so sorry you had to hear such a thing from family of all things.

I am about 7 stone overweight. It's actually made me start to really take some pride in my appearance. Nothing I can go in one morning can change how dreadfully obese I am, but I can and I do, use some make up and I've been wearing clothes I would never have worn when I was thin. But I mostly do it for me.

It's no one else business what you look like and it's downright cruel to joke like they did.

I dread comments from people. But I'm also learning there's nothing wrong with the way I look (it's just the way the weight affects my health conditions which matters, no hopefully over this next year I'll lose a few stone).

I doubt I've got any useful advice but hopefully your stress levels will reduce, the more you know about your DCs health, and you'll get your weight back on track.

In the mean time, let them know they've hurt your feelings and damaged your self esteem.

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2018 01:43

OP

"I'm always the one to include them all and go out of my way to be kind to them..." Tell them you do that and that you are re-thinking doing that.

"I'm starting to think I should reavaluate myself and realise I really shouldn't be as confident as I am and I'm naive to think people take you for your personality. ?" Don't revaluate yourself, reevaluate your friendships. Confident is important and appealing.

"Can weight gain really make someone into 'a monster' in someone else's eyes,??" Only if the person is a douchbag.

"I can't believe this has had tarred my Christmas...furious at myself for letting it "

then stop now.

Personally, I would tell the person (and by extension their son) that their comment was incredibly hurtful and unkind and you are awaiting an apology, then cut them loose if you do not get it.

If you come into contact with them at family events in future just minimize your time with them and any rude comments in future just walk away from them. They are nobs.

LuluJakey1 · 28/12/2018 02:05

His behaviour was unkind and thoughtless and pretty disgusting. At best he is emotionally unintelligent.I would bet money on him not being Mr Universe either!

I would wait a week and then send a note in the post saying you were too upset to say something at the time but are still very hurt by his comments and feel you want him to know how unkind and thoughtless his behaviour was and that you are shocked that his son clearly thinks it is ok to copy that behaviour.

Tell him you have things in your life that are much more important than his unkindness - your child's illness being one- and that you are not going to dwell on what he said but that you do ever want to be treated so unthinkingly and rudely again by him, particularly as he is hardly Mr Universe himself.

I wouldn't let him get away with it. FFS, we should not have to put up with that kind of crap from our family who should be supporting and loving us.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2018 02:08

Well I'm not surprised you're upset - not only was it incredibly rude of them to have said anything like that (fuckers) but it's also unalterably changed the way you think of them, and your relationship with them, so your reaction is tinged with "grief" for lost relationships.

I don't think that anything could make up for that - even if they were "joking", or (god forbid) "bantering", there is no excuse for that level of sheer bloody rudeness.

I'm quite sure you are nothing like Frankenstein's monster either!

EKGEMS · 28/12/2018 02:09

If it were me I would say straight to their faces loudly "If you had a child seriously ill the stress would change you also but then again you're both insensitive and have no hearts" and walked away.
Actually I was at my infant son's bedside in pediatric intensive care and he was on life support for respiratory failure and my husband's minister from way back in the day visited when I was alone with my baby and he came up and first thing out of his mouth was how much weight I had put on since we saw each other last!!! I don't even remember what my response was but my husband still is shocked what that asshole said that to me. I so wish I had thrown him out of the unit but he brought his Down's syndrome son and I didn't want to upset him.