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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take my DD to visit my ex-MIL?

46 replies

JustMe70 · 27/12/2018 21:39

I need a straw poll... AIBU to not take my DD to see her GM? My ex-MIL (I am divorced from her son) seems to think that the child maintenance he pays me should be used by me to take DD over to see her. My ex-DH makes minimal effort (twice in 12 months), so wondering why I should? Would love to hear how others deal with this situation Confused

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 27/12/2018 21:40

He wants his dd to see his mum, why doesn’t he take her?

Littlefish · 27/12/2018 21:42

What is your relationship like with her? I would say that it's up to your ex to facilitate the relationship by organising visits. If you know that's never going to happen, and you think a relationship between your dd and ex MIL would be positive for your dd then you might decide to invite her to meet up somewhere neutral.

stayathomer · 27/12/2018 21:42

I don't know that the issue is the money being used for that but more that she sees her grandchild? Personally I think the people that lose out a lot with a break up are the grandparents. Is there a reason she can't get over to you or is it that she doesn't feel welcome now you're broken up? The tone of your post sounds like you don't really like each other but her grandchild still deserves a grandparent?(Playing devils advocate here!)

UserName31456789 · 27/12/2018 21:42

Yes if he pays maintenance you should clearly be carting your DD around to visit anyone he thinks might want to see her; His mates from uni, his aunt he hasn't seen himself in years. You should also probably do his laundry and wash his car. He pays you maintenance.

There is probably a school of thought that says paying maintenance covers (a small fraction of) the cost of raising a child and if he wants DD to see his mum he should take her his bloody self.

gimmeadoughnut123 · 27/12/2018 21:42

YABU. Unless she has done something that would warrant her not seeing your child. It is her grandchild, who she probably loves, and I think it is important for children to have good relationships with family members. It would be very sad if they just stopped seeing people every time parents split up. His child maintenance shouldn't come in to it.

UserName31456789 · 27/12/2018 21:43

(Depending on whether his mum is nice and reliable I might be happy to take DD there but the suggestion that it's your responsibility because he pays maintenance is ridiculous).

IHeartMarmiteToast · 27/12/2018 21:44

Errrr surely his family should be his look out

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/12/2018 21:44

What's your relationship like with her?
How far does she live from you?
How old is DD?

gimmeadoughnut123 · 27/12/2018 21:44

I would probably ask that your ex arranges taking her, or ask GM if you can meet her somewhere, if it is an inconvenience to you taking DC round

hammeringinmyhead · 27/12/2018 21:49

Those sound like the words of someone who resents that her son pays you maintenance in the first place.

calmsealife · 27/12/2018 21:50

His family let him sort it.

Sarahjconnor · 27/12/2018 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VimFuego101 · 27/12/2018 21:52

That's your ex's job. I might offer to FaceTime her so your child could chat with her if she was a nice person and I wanted to ensure my child stayed in contact with her.

Starlight456 · 27/12/2018 21:54

No it is not your job .

AppleKatie · 27/12/2018 21:54

No.

He takes her.

If she’s a nice person you might invite her to visit you and DD at home or out somewhere.

If she’s not then obv not.

letsdolunch321 · 27/12/2018 21:55

Have to agree with others, his family he should be visiting them.

PrettyLovely1 · 27/12/2018 21:55

How ridiculous, tell her if she wants to see her grandchild to make the effort to see her herself. If she cant be bothered tell her to get her son to make arrangments.
She sounds really entitled. You can see why your ex barely visits her.

MrsG8 · 27/12/2018 21:56

Surely this depends on how your relationship has been with her for over the years? And depends on how close or far away she lives? It's good for the children to have a close relationship with grandparents.

Santaisonthesherry · 27/12/2018 21:58

His family, his job in his time.

Fairylea · 27/12/2018 21:59

I wouldn’t consider it anything to do with maintenance. I do sometimes take dd to ex mils from time to time to stay over for the weekend as it’s nice for her to have a close relationship with them (I’ve been split from ex since she was 6 months old, she’s now 16, dad moved abroad, his mum and dad live an hour away from us). They do bring her back and sometimes they do the whole journey. It just depends. I guess it depends on your relationship with them.

Weezol · 27/12/2018 22:04

It's up to him to sort it on his access time. Point MIL back to him. She raised him after all...

CarrieBlu · 27/12/2018 22:04

Definitely not your problem.

Sexnotgender · 27/12/2018 22:06

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

He facilitates the relationship with his family as I'm sure you do with yours.

user1473878824 · 27/12/2018 22:12

My dad was a bit rubbish so my mum always took me to her ex-MIL’s. He was crap with his mother so she did it and it was appreciated on both sides. I think it depends massively on your relationship with her. They got on (not best friends but happy to catch up), and my dad missed out on all of that. So if you can take a deep breath and ignore anything she says about maintenance maybe it would be a nice thing for DD (not that it’s solely on you for that!!!) and maybe even you. My mum has a relationship with all my dad’s side of the family, he doesn’t really.

GoldenSyrupLion · 27/12/2018 22:12

His job not yours.