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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take my DD to visit my ex-MIL?

46 replies

JustMe70 · 27/12/2018 21:39

I need a straw poll... AIBU to not take my DD to see her GM? My ex-MIL (I am divorced from her son) seems to think that the child maintenance he pays me should be used by me to take DD over to see her. My ex-DH makes minimal effort (twice in 12 months), so wondering why I should? Would love to hear how others deal with this situation

OP posts:

user1473878824 · 27/12/2018 22:13

Oh and sorry to be clear because a PP has said about how far away she is which I do think matters, my grandmother was about an hour’s drive. We’d pick her up, pub lunch, take her home, cup of tea, home. I wasn’t desperately close to her but always enjoyed it a lot.

ExFury · 27/12/2018 22:14

It totally depends what your relationship is with her and what she is like.

I facilitate my DD’s relationship with their Gran because if left to their fuckwit father they wouldn’t have one. That said she is a wonderful addition to their lives so I wouldn’t want them to miss out.

user1473878824 · 27/12/2018 22:16

But I also agree with most PP’s that really it’s his job.

egginacup · 27/12/2018 22:17

Totally depends on what your relationship with her is like, and her relationship with DD. Of course you’re not obliged to in any way, but if it’s no great hardship to you then it would be a nice thing to facilitate your DD’s relationship with her GM, especially if her dad can’t be bothered to. Generally speaking my ex takes the DC to see his parents regularly but if we are nearby or if they are round our way I will occasionally meet up with them. Nice for the DC to see everyone getting along if possible.

jessstan2 · 27/12/2018 22:17

If it is only occasionally and not far, why not? Has the gran done anything to you?

trancepants · 27/12/2018 22:19

Here's my take on it. My son deserves a relationship with his father's family regardless of our relationship. It's my duty to ensure my son gets everything he deserves as a child. So I facilitate as good a relationship as I can.

Unless your MIL is toxic and a negative influence on your DD's life then it may be up to you to facilitate their relationship. It doesn't matter if your ex should be doing it. If he isn't, then your daughter isn't getting the relationship with her grandmother that she deserves so either you do it or your child misses out.

Original poster

JustMe70 · 27/12/2018 22:19

Thanks all! We got on brilliantly when I was married to her son... then we divorced and several years have since passed. She lives 50 mile/90 min round trip away, ex-DH is slightly further at 70 mile/110 min round trip away. I did organise a visit for DD but it was viewed as me simply wanting a babysitter. Then the abusive emails started when I refused to do it again, coupled with my DD having her GM bad mouth me for 7 hours during the visit and eventually using our safe phrase to request my help! Apparently her parting comment to my DD was ‘we’ll sort your mother out’ (regarding me taking DD to see her GM...). I make sure my DD sees lots of my parents, her extended family and of course family friends... but this latest demand is unreasonable but was curious to hear what others thought! Thank you all

OP posts:

DarkDarkNight · 27/12/2018 22:21

Would your daughter like to see her grandmother more? Did you have a close relationship with her?

I didn’t always get on with my In Laws (understatement of the century) but they love their grandchildren and I feel a great amount of guilt at how little they see my son. My ex works a lot and sometimes has him for 2 nights one week and maybe not at all the next or just one night. He doesn’t always take him to see his parents.

WishUponAStar88 · 27/12/2018 22:22

Based on your last message there’s no way I’d be putting any effort into your dc seeing ex MIL.

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/12/2018 22:23

Wow! Between your update and her attitude to maintenance there is not a hope in hell I would answer a phonecall or email to the old witch not to mind bring dd to see her

JustThisTimeAgain · 27/12/2018 22:24

No way would I be making the effort for someone that nasty. Her lazy son can take your daughter to see her whenever he bothers to show up for contact.

LilQueenie · 27/12/2018 22:27

she sounds toxic so don't bother. you and your dd are better off without.

ThatPeskyElf · 27/12/2018 22:27

This is my current life... but not a penny of CM has ever been paid (and dd is 13) and ex-mil lives in Canada.

I am obviously an evil, bitter ex as I refuse to get into debt by flying us out to stay on her sofa each summer even though she comes back to the UK regularly and never tells me until after she’s left.

She’s batty, tell her she comes to you or the father takes her.
Not your role at all.

MrsG8 · 27/12/2018 22:33

Following your last update I definitely wouldn't bother. If she chooses to make the journey and effort to come see your DD that's her decision but you shouldn't go out of your way or be bullied into it with 'that's what maintenance is for' - because it isn't!

gimmeadoughnut123 · 27/12/2018 22:42

Based on your update, I wouldn't bother. The fact that your DD had to use your safe phrase speaks volumes in itself.

goldengummybear · 27/12/2018 22:45

Based on the update I wouldn't do a thing. She's a CF using the maintenance excuse and expecting you to put yourself out there when she was a massive bitch to you. Is dd even interested considering what happened last time?

Maelstrop · 27/12/2018 23:01

Ex-mil sounds like a toxic bitch so dd shouldn't be having contact with her. The maintenance money is to help you bring up your dd, buy her food, pay energy bills, clothes etc, not for you to pay for her to have contact with her gm, that your ex's choice/job.

user1473878824 · 27/12/2018 23:05

Oh god, fuck that then!

EKGEMS · 27/12/2018 23:52

Sure-she can see your child at promptly half past never on that'll be the day!

Starlight456 · 28/12/2018 00:20

I would also say based on everything that has been said . Make sure you don’t let her .

I have seen a couple of threads on here where gp’s have actually took parents to court based on an established relationship.

I not only don’t see this helpful for your dd but also damaging to your relationship with dd. I would block her for a start.

Ex ignore anything that is irrelevant

Original poster

JustMe70 · 28/12/2018 13:59

I love this! Just about sums it up!

OP posts:

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