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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed by how much DM spent on my kids

32 replies

worthygirl · 27/12/2018 21:25

Just had slightly mortifying day with DM. She spent a fortune on my kids- like over £100 each - and actually told us this too. In contrast, we barely got them anything & spent probably £100 in total on vouchers & it was really embarrassing as the difference was obvious. I don’t have the money & actually don’t want her spending so much - there is kind of an expectation of extravagance that I can’t match in any way.
Aibu to feel slightly mortified?

OP posts:
Whataboutbobbo · 27/12/2018 21:28

I think you need to talk to your mum and explain how this makes you feel. Hopefully next year she will respect your wishes....

Lazypuppy · 27/12/2018 21:41

The money doesn't matter, you don't have to spend same amount. its the thought behind the gifts that is important

Original poster
worthygirl · 27/12/2018 21:45

@lazy and yes, I thought I had bought a nice present- but it just felt like there was a feeling of ‘this isn’t enough’ - it’s left me very upset- we don’t have a lot of money to spend on the broader family- we spend it on the kids

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/12/2018 21:50

My mother spends more than me at Christmas on my dc, but I think it's great. Look on the positive, your dc gets lots of presents, your Dm enjoys being the one to provide, you don't have to spend money you don't have. I don't mind whatsoever.

Original poster
worthygirl · 27/12/2018 21:53

@arethere I wouldn’t mind except for the feeling that we are meant to reciprocate and there’s a feeling of disappointment if we dont

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/12/2018 21:55

Are you sure she feels that? If I spent that on grandchildren I certainly wouldn't expect my children to spend the same amount on me.

steff13 · 27/12/2018 21:56

Your mother feels like you should spend more, or your kids do?

Original poster
worthygirl · 27/12/2018 21:59

My kids are 6 and 10 so young. It’s the fact that she told us how much she had spent too. We aren’t that well off at all either

OP posts:
PikaPikaTink · 27/12/2018 22:00

My grandparents always used to spend more on me than my parents as they had more money. My granny is still alive and often treats me to nice meals out etc. I think it's pretty normal.

QueenieIsLost · 27/12/2018 22:03

My parents have done that before.
I’ve only beegrateful that they can be so generous with them when I can’t.
I have to say I d8nt see the issue there.

You DM did something that she coud do/afford and gave a nice gift to your dcs. I imagine something they enjoy too.
Why but why wouod you be ashamed of that?
And why is the most important th8ng the amount you or your DM have spent? Esp at that age, children can get as much pleasure from a really cheap toy as they do from the expensive one...

MrsTommyBanks · 27/12/2018 22:05

I wouldn't have anything at Christmas without my Grandparents.
It's not a dig or reflection on you. It's just a Nan treating her grandchildren.

madmum5811 · 27/12/2018 22:07

My friends DM spends around 1k on xmas presents for grand children. She thinks it is great.

Serialweightwatcher · 27/12/2018 22:08

My mum always spends more than we do .. I'm just glad they get nice stuff or money now they're older - not a lot but still more than us, but we can't afford too much so I'd rather it was this way than they get hardly anything

user789653241 · 27/12/2018 22:10

Why do you feel embarrassed? They are older and have more spare money to spend. I just appreciate it.

DarkDarkNight · 27/12/2018 22:13

You know her, was she trying to show you up or did she genuinely want to do something nice for you and your children?

She maybe knows your financial position and is trying to ease the burden.

TotallyKerplunked · 27/12/2018 22:16

My MIL always does this too, I hate it, it makes us feel inadequate as parents. She very much goes for quantity and makes it feel like a competition, 2 huge sacks of presents per child (£200+) leaving them completely overwhelmed does not make a good Xmas. I've tried suggesting more relevant presents/experiences/days out, I've even refused to take most of it home (no child needs 11 shape sorters fgs) nothing works :(

CrookedMe · 27/12/2018 22:16

Well, is this about you or your kids?

You want them to have fewer presents so that you don't feel bad, is how it sounds. Which is quite selfish really.

I think I'd just be grateful that my parents were so generous to my children and made their Christmas extra special.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/12/2018 22:18

Ah now, if she expects you to reciprocate, that's a different thing to what myself and some others above have experienced.
Does she know your financial situation?

Vivaldi1678 · 27/12/2018 22:20

Is £100 a lot for DGC, though? Wouldn't have thought it was a 'fortune' or unduly ostentatious, but I don't know your family dynamic. She probably just wants to buy something decent because she loves them. Why are you embarrassed?

JustThisTimeAgain · 27/12/2018 22:20

Personally I'd just be grateful she did it. My parents were divorced, absentee "Dad", we were poor growing up. My paternal great-grandparents were very comfortable. I understood that's why they could give us expensive presents and clothes year around. My Mom was happy for the help. 🤷🏻‍♀️

steff13 · 27/12/2018 22:28

My grandparents always used to spend more on me than my parents as they had more money. My granny is still alive and often treats me to nice meals out etc. I think it's pretty normal.

That's how it was for me growing up too. It makes sense if you think about it; grandparents tend to have more disposable income because they have fewer outgoings (mortgage paid off, for instance), and they don't have the day-to-day costs of raising children.

Serialweightwatcher · 27/12/2018 22:29

The problem is your pride in this presumably because you want more to come from you, but that means your kids lose out if you win ... much better that they get more and at these ages they don't think about the cost in any case, so let them enjoy their gifts and don't worry about it

cstaff · 27/12/2018 22:29

My mam spends a similar amount on her 7 gcs every year but would never expect anything like it back. She does it because she can and enjoys spoiling her GC. Are you sure your mum is not the same.

Cheesycheesytwist · 27/12/2018 22:32

Sounds fine to me, normal for us to have GPs spend a lot more on us/Dcs than we do in return. They can afford it, ask if for ideas for suitable things to get and enjoy treating us. Is your DM actually trying to make you feel bad or are you just worries you should spend the same?

Nacreous · 27/12/2018 22:36

My GPs always spent more than my parents when I was growing up, because my parents were really struggling and they had plenty of disposable income. It's not quite the same this generation because I have fewer money struggles than my parents.

But the GPs never expected gifts like that in return, and it meant I could have nice things when I was growing up: new clothes instead of (as well as) second hand, nice Lego sets and then as I got older things like my sewing machine and a camera. I was supremely supremely lucky, and I'm still so grateful to them.

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