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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL slagging off mum to 2.5 y o daughter

48 replies

ZoeRose81 · 27/12/2018 20:57

Not going to lie, i may have had some wine. Its too long a story to explain WHY my husband and i ended up being suspicious, but we’ve asked a few questions of our toddler daughter this morning and discovered that during her last FOUR MONTH visit living with us (she is resident in America) my MIL spent much time drip feeding poison into the ear of my then 2.5 year old daughter about my mother, who lives round the corner and provides much of my daughters regular daycare. ‘What did granny say to you about nanny?’ ‘Nanny is not a nice girl.’ Etc etc. So, Mil is sat in my living room right now, not knowing that we know. Husband is bewildered and not wanting to believe this shitty turn of affairs and i (who have been teetotal for years due to just not really liking alcohol or being drunk) am on my third glass of mulled wine in the playroom wondering what the f to do. Merry Christmas!

OP posts:
Fcukthisshit · 27/12/2018 21:27

I wouldn’t take too much notice. My 2 year old tells everyone that I only feed him chocolate Hmm

If you’re really 100% sure that she’s been saying stuff to your daughter, you’d be better off asking (but when you’re sober and have had a chance to think through things clearly)

Tartsamazeballs · 27/12/2018 21:47

Are you sure you can believe it?

Just saying that my 2.5 year old told me that my 10 week old hit me earlier... I was there, I'm fairly sure it was in fact the Terrible Toddler and not "baby Cody diddit mummy" 😂

Cherries101 · 27/12/2018 22:10

Toddlers often project how they feel about a person by saying a grown up did it. It’s very possible your mum is the one she doesn’t like. As others have said you can’t take a comment said by a 2.5 yo at face value.

Raggedyaine · 27/12/2018 22:17

My most recent 2.5 year old told her teachers that I had won the lottery (info from tv news we reckoned). There was often a flavour of truth in the basis of the story but the finale mostly had little to do with fact. Tread carefully because God knows what your 2.5 year old has been saying about you (all of mine sold me up the swanney too often to count)

Enjoy the mulled wine and hope she's just got an age appropriate inaccurate grasp of the story.

octoberbaby2010 · 27/12/2018 22:18

What made you question your toddler about mil in the first place ? Xx

KingsScorn · 27/12/2018 22:26

A 2.5 year old isn't really a reliable witness. My DS would talk utter rubbish at times when asked questions. Sadly I think the inlaws believed him...

gimmeadoughnut123 · 27/12/2018 22:36

I really wouldn't worry. When my niece wasn't sleeping properly, she made up that various family members had told her that there was a witch in the woods that watched her. Nobody had told her any such thing. Whilst I don't believe you should disregard what children say, I do think you should occasionally take them with a pinch of salt. You are better off just mentioning something to MIL that's related, but not related - do you fancy lunch with my DM? See how she reacts, it doesn't have to actually happen.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 27/12/2018 22:43

Another one. Caught dd3 colouring in the bedding of the barbie bed. Sister did it apparently and then she'd hit her! They dont always tell the truth!

NataliaOsipova · 27/12/2018 22:48

I was the child in this situation - my mother’s mother hated my paternal grandmother and was always telling me how awful she was. As she lived a long way away, I grew up being very wary of her. A small child will believe what a trusted adult tells them. I’d believe your daughter. Why would she think to make such a thing up? And I’d be all over it....

Original poster
ZoeRose81 · 28/12/2018 00:51

Thanks everyone, I hope you’re all correct. Unfortunately, the full context makes me doubt it. Backstory is that my daughter ADORED my mum. This is not wishful thinking; my mum and I have always had a fairly strained relationship but she has been an awesome nanny. After the last visit from MIL she has been downright rude to her - this has now been going on for 3 months. I’ve never been able to get to the bottom of it. MIL put a huge amount of pressure on us to allow her to live with us for 6 months of the year as she doesn’t like her new house in America. Towards the end of the long visit things became intolerable in the house as she had completely taken over all our domestic arrangements. I cried every day for a month and she started to realise that it was unlikely we would continue to accommodate her. We never suspected she would use her granddaughter so I never put two and two together. However, this visit we caught her out in a pretty shitty lie where she had coerced our daughter to do something to get her own way. Suddenly, realise that my daughter is also a target for her manipulating. From what I can gather it’s been stuff like saying my mum doesn’t love her as much and wouldn’t she have more fun with her than my mum.

OP posts:
Tantrumschmantrum · 28/12/2018 01:05

Wow that's a bit manipulative. I would maybe ring it up in a jokey fashion. 'Umm, you never guess what DD said the other day lol! Aren't kids funny because I know you'd never say something like that right' see how she reacts.

Osirus · 28/12/2018 01:25

My daughter is the same age and we were discussing the bruises she’s obtained on her legs (probably from climbing into bed or falling over as toddlers do) and she said that “daddy bruised me”. He absolutely didn’t; he works long hours and is very rarely alone with her. He’s so gentle with her too! She also told me he pushes her face Hmm. All said in front of him too!

Kids do say funny things!

Rockmysocks · 28/12/2018 04:59

Hmmm trust your instincts.

I had a fire in my bedroom many years ago. Clothes ruined.

My boys' bedroom was fine. Their clothes and things were ok.

I had to buy a couple of work outfits and underwear.

DM, behind my back, told my kids that I should be buying them things and not myself.

Ds told me and I told her to stop talking negatively about me to my kids.

She shut up but as soon as I was out of the room told my son off for telling me!

For info, my kids had plenty of everything and it wasn't a case of them going without and me having everything.

Anyway, if something feels wrong, like your daughter not having as good a relationship with your mum as she did before granny from US arrived, it's time to look, listen and be mindful.

endofthelinefinally · 28/12/2018 05:34

My MIL was exactly like this.
Trust your instincts.

FairportConvention · 28/12/2018 07:36

Hey op my sil and bil are like this with my kids. But about me. We have had to have words and limit amount of time kids spend with them. My dh had real trouble believing g it too. It is emotional abuse. It does happen. Is there any way you could record mil with dd when they are alone so you could know for sure?

Bluesheep8 · 28/12/2018 07:48

I wouldn't rely on what I was told by a child that age tbh. There's a family story about me at around that age. We had recently relocated to a new area and the neighbours had come and introduced themselves to my parents. I apparently went and knocked on their door and told them that I had been left all alone and that my daddy had gone to the pub (he very rarely did) and that mummy had gone swimming (she never did) and that they were always leaving me alone with no tea (this never happened!) Must be been something I had heard/made up due to the upheaval of moving etc, I really have no idea but none of it was true and my parents were in fact in the kitchen making lunch and I had sneaked out. Maybe she's trying to make sense of 2 people occupying the same role in her life (grandmother) ? Iyswim.

poppoppop100 · 28/12/2018 07:50

You are stark staring bonkers to putcso much belief in the prattling of a 2 yr old

Original poster
ZoeRose81 · 28/12/2018 07:53

Hmm, lots of people thinking like me and lots of people thinking like my husband! D’oh! Anyone got any ideas about how we can work it out one way or the other? I don’t feel great about bugging her room!

OP posts:
JustABetterPlayer · 28/12/2018 07:58

My kids would have agreed that daddy had his other girlfriend round, fed them biscuits for lunch and found a dinosaur in the back garden. A two year old is not a reliable witness.

Cheby · 28/12/2018 08:03

Why is she in your house if she makes you so miserable? I’d address that bit personally. She made you cry every day for a month with her behaviour? Why is your husband allowing her to do this?

Fcukthisshit · 28/12/2018 08:06

I’d go with what someone else has suggested and bring it up as a joke “oh my goodness, you’ll never guess what dd said the other day haha” see how she reacts to it.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 28/12/2018 08:15

I wouldn’t normally suggest this as it’s sneaky, but could you covertly film or record them together?

You and DH need to know if it’s true before you decide how to tackle it.

Hauskat · 28/12/2018 08:24

Don’t have her living with you. Even without this issue you shouldn’t be made to feel so miserable. No one can live like that and it will put enormous strain on you and your marriage.

hackmum · 28/12/2018 08:33

I'm very uncomfortable with people saying you shouldn't trust a two year old. This is precisely why abusers are able to target very small children - people assume that small children tell lies.

Of course, small children do tell lies. So do big children. So do adults. How do you tell? Well, in this case, there seems no obvious motive for the two year old child to lie - she's not trying to cover up an act of naughtiness, for example. And there are other bits of context, from what the OP says, that make it plausible that the two year old is telling the truth. Why would the OP's DD make up such a strange story?

maddening · 28/12/2018 08:39

I would secretly record